Sorry I didn't read whole post - Great updates !! Glad you are doing better and got Universal Credit ! (Except physical argument with new girlfriend - NEVER do anything like that you could be arrested ...then what would your kids do???) Sending you so much love for your situation because I have been there with a narcissistic abuser (father of my daughter), I know how crazy-making it is and how much it affects you, how addicted you get to them and the drama because that is all you have - no love just toxic drama - you have low self worth and you accept any attention from them - but PLEASE do not do anything that he can hold against you or make you look bad - do not let him turn you into what he wants - so he can point fingers and say Oh look, see, I was right, she is crazy!
Unless you do want him to get custody .... and your kids will be looked after by each new girlfriend whilst he's at work. Your kids NEED you to hold it together. Be a cold grey rock to the narc and don't give him anything to feed off. LET GO of the situation or need for answers, to explain yourself or control, don't get sucked into drama ! You need to be emotionally present for your children !! Not have you head stuck in HIM. Please read some books eg 'Codependent No More' and read everything about healing from codependency because this is what is happening when you get sucked in. Your children will be traumatised from not having an emotionally available Mum. I say this and give you tough love because THIS WAS ME 3 years ago and I STILL REGRET not pulling myself together sooner and refocusing on MY DAUGHTER and MYSELF and our needs as first priority. Become blind to everything else. Be strong.
Trust me you do not want to go down the court route if you can help it because they do not believe abuse unless you have physical evidence - Women's Aid call records, Police reports etc. They simply do not accept it without this evidence. Your word means nothing. She is a witness to you being physical to her and she could report you to police. Of course you say I don't know what she's talking about and deny/say you were defending yourself and that you are pregnant and trying to protect your belly....
Please take any and all steps to protect yourself and your children from this toxic drama. What is more important - this man or your babies ?? That is all it comes down to. Which ? You are their only Mama. This is all they have. They will only be toddlers ONCE and then it will be over they will be grown. This is the chance and the time to change the record.
I agree with previous posters:
- Stay No Contact and wean yourself of the addiction to this drama and this man - he has done this to you and you have let yourself be in this dynamic and to set
- Call Women's Aid and make a documentation of everything. Speak to GP and tell them about the historical abuse and state what emotional and mental affects and symptoms you still feel now from the abuse - you will need GP's letter to confirm this if you need Legal Aid if he takes you to court. You will need this trust me please do this ASAP.
- Don't believe his threats that if you report him, then he will take you to court and call you crazy and x, y , z - this is what stopped me from speaking out sooner and documenting abuse and erratic behaviour from him AT THE TIME IT HAPPENED. Then when it did finally come to court, he made it look like I just made it all up... him and his lawyers said "Why didn't you report it at the time? Surely it's because it didn't happen and you are only claiming abuse now because he is taking you to court" and they said "Why did you let your children spend time along with the Father when you claim he has abused you in front of them? - Surely this means you were not that worried about his behaviour - contact has continued unsupervised since then so we agree it should continue and the risk is not that bad to the children" -- Trust me they twist everything against the victim and unless you have hard evidence they ignore you. I hope it won't come to this for you but my point is - PREPARE and PROTECT yourself by bringing the dark to light NOW and telling truth of what has happened. Have it documented somewhere with GP or SS or Women's Aid call records at the very least. Don't let him use your children and the court systems to get to you and punish you in the future to keep you hooked and keep you supplying him with attention to feed him....This is what my ex did and it was hell. I wish I had been smarter and acted quicker and not given him benefit of the doubt or just "hoped the situation would calm down"/ "try and see the good in him". Narcs will NEVER change and they will destroy you if you give them a chance to keep feeding off you.
Screenshot every message he send you - save the entire message thread. Document and makes notes every day - you may even be able to get Legal Aid and start proceedings to get a Non Molestation Order against him now to keep away from you. I think this is the best action for you to take now - Call up Rights of Women :
National Line: For women in England and Wales
Call 020 7251 6577
Monday – Thursday 7pm – 9pm, Friday 12pm – 2pm
The line is closed on bank holidays
London line: For women in London
Call 020 7608 1137
Monday 11am-1pm, Tuesday 2pm – 4pm, Wednesday 2pm – 4pm, Thursday 2pm – 4pm
The line is closed on bank holidays
It is free legal advice, on domestic violence, family law etc - it can take ages to get through but keep calling - please ! If you can show he is harassing you - this is a huge marker of his instability and not yours - if you show you are being calm, business like, focused on the children and not him, not being bitter towards him, just protecting yourself from his harassment to you, then you will come across as the more stable parent. Sadly my ex was always very clever his messages never looked nasty to outsiders but it was constant and he would then say horrible things in person and on telephone that I could never prove. I wish I had just gotten a Non Molestation order against him from the beginning - then when it came to court they would have taken me a lot more seriously ! They didn't believe he abused me because they said "Well you were still texting him, still emailing him in reply...so of course you can't have been terrified of him...it was a 2 way conversation... etc etc"
Get as much distance away from this man as possible and QUICK. Cut all lines of communication and protect yourself from this abusive and toxic dynamic for your children please and do not let him continue to abuse you through court system in future. Mental health problems do not mean your kids will be taken and give to other parent ! If you are getting help for them then that's fine. It's not something to be scared or ashamed of. Your doctor will write a note saying you are responding well to meds and you are no longer suicidal. The courts will be happy with this. They don't want to take kids away from what the are used to and the STATUS QUO. You keep the status quo - show he hasn't turned up on DD's birthday etc - make records of it all. Every action you take - make sure it is the action of a stable parent putting kids first. Trust me if they can see evidence you are bitter towards your ex they will ONLY see that and they will be biased against you and they will just say "The only problem here is that parents can't get on". Take control of yourself so you are CALM, STABLE and do not let fear stop you from taking action and telling truth. Who care if you are depressed - so many mothers on anti depressants ! Doesn't mean the courts would think it was in the best interests for children to be put with Father who works full time and hasn't seen them for months. Stop trying to get him to see the children. Look into Non-Mol order. Stop feeling guilty. Reclaim back the power . Get higher perspective. Please don't make same mistakes I did. : (