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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner sleeping in other room because I can't be intimate with him

35 replies

Smor87 · 30/07/2018 23:19

So... I'm 17 weeks pregnant and have been feeling really disgusting since I found out I was pregnant (at 4 weeks), nauseous, knackered. Now I'm starting to feel better but am getting bigger and am feeling really insecure.
My partner of 7 years feels he was patient about us not having sex at the beginning of the pregnancy but now I totally don't feel like it and he is sulking. I say this because he won't sleep in the same bed with me, he says 'what is the point', I explain the point is to create intimacy and make me feel less rejected/more secure and he feels unless he gets more than just a hand held there is no point, slams the door of the spare room and yet states I'M not making an effort.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 30/07/2018 23:22

YANBU. That's abusive.

Quartz2208 · 30/07/2018 23:23

It’s only going to get worse that’s awful

userofthiswebsite · 30/07/2018 23:26

Sorry but that's horrid. Is he an arse otherwise?

LampHat · 30/07/2018 23:29

That’s awful. Do you believe he cares about you? If you don’t feel like being intimate now, you might feel even less like it in a few months time when you have a newborn baby. You’re going to need him there supporting you, or not there at all.

YANBU. Time for him to grow the fuck up.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 30/07/2018 23:31

How much support is he going to be when you’re busy with a baby? Think he needs a bit of a talking to, and also to grow the fuck up.

Original poster

Smor87 · 30/07/2018 23:32

I said it was abusive, I actually know it is but he feels what he is doing is right. He has always felt it was OK to slam doors, make me feel guilty for not being intimate with him ; he doesn't see that this is an awful thing to do (as well as being a massive turn off!)

He says sleeping next to me and not being intimate makes him feel bad and makes him feel rejected - I keep reminding him that he's the one that keeps leaving our bed and that it makes me feel isolated, rejected... I am feeling so frustrated I don't know what to do. I want to leave but if I go to my parents they will ask why. I also don't think time away will help, he desperately needs to speak to someone else then perhaps they can help him see he's not helping??

OP posts:

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 30/07/2018 23:32

Or what LampHat said.

spottybetty · 30/07/2018 23:34

Oh god. If he’s always felt it’s ok to slam doors and sulk when you weren’t putting out, what made it a good idea to ttc with him?!

You already have an abusive man child. And soon you’ll have a baby. Good luck.

Original poster

Smor87 · 30/07/2018 23:35

I actually feel really awful for him as he's a really wonderful person otherwise and puts up with a lot of my shit. He's just inexperienced in relationships and can't seem to change his ways when it comes to how he deals with his sexual frustration/feeling rejected. I wish someone could talk some sense into him!

OP posts:

Pingipinguin · 30/07/2018 23:35

He's an absolute twat.
Go it alone OP.
Single parenthood is preferable to a marriage of misery

RLOU88 · 30/07/2018 23:38

You already have an abusive man child. And soon you’ll have a baby. Good luck

Not very nicely put. I am sure OP is feeling shit enough.

Not that you need me to tell you OP but YANBU and deserve much more. I was the same as you through most of my pregnancy and I would have been gutted if my OH acted this way. I’m sorry for you x

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 30/07/2018 23:38

Abusive. So awful. He’s telling you who and what he is. Listen carefully.

Pingipinguin · 30/07/2018 23:38

What will he be like when the baby is born ?
You will be knackered recovering from labour while looking after a newborn baby and what about co sleeping and such?
If he can't handle a few weeks/months without sex while you're pregnant and not feeling great, he's got a shock coming

Original poster

Smor87 · 30/07/2018 23:39

I know I come across as a victim/survivor of domestic abuse here but I'm honestly not, it's quite hurtful to read some comments although I understand the intention. I chose to have a baby with him because he's a wonderful person, we just struggle to communicate occasionally and the pregnancy has made this worse

OP posts:

Original poster

Smor87 · 30/07/2018 23:42

I really appreciate most of your comments it's just very difficult to read, sorry

OP posts:

Seniorschoolmum · 30/07/2018 23:46

He is being completely selfish and totally dense.

How has he managed to live with someone for 7 years and not realise that sex is sometimes off the agenda and the way to get it back on the agenda is patience, long term support and smaller acts of intimacy.

Does he understand that you may not want to be intimate for quite a while after the baby is born, while you recover, to say nothing of the 6 months of sleep deprivation.
Can you talk to your HV. I bet she’s heard worse, and might know what to suggest.

Charmlight · 31/07/2018 00:06

It is difficult for you to read what people are saying, but they will mostly have experienced similar. By all means seek advice from a professional person, but think about what you might need to do if this gets worse.
It is unkind, controlling behaviour. It wil probably not improve - unfortunately the addition of a child often makes it worse.
I hope I’m wrong for your sake, but single parenthood is preferable to walking on eggshells every day, believe me.

Sistersofmercy101 · 31/07/2018 00:33

OP whilst I realise that it's upsetting for you to read such negative things written about a person you care about - because they're generally lovely - he isn't currently behaving like the lovely man you fell for?
This behaviour isn't lovely, supportive or compassionate?
He isn't thinking of how physically and psychologically, the pregnancy that you both decided on, is affecting you? He's just thinking about what he's missing?
Fast forward to when you have a newborn and are still physically recovering, (when sex is absolutely off the table because of still physically recovering from having just had a baby ) is he going to still be reacting selfishly?
The mumsnets replies to you are based on these questions.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 31/07/2018 00:44

Sorry, but he's being horrible. I had my 2nd baby 7 weeks ago. We had sex once during pregnancy and haven't since dd arrived. I have no idea when I'll feel like it again but can't see it happening any time soon. The only door slamming in our house is done by our 3 year old.

Have a chat to your midwife, she might have some suggestions.

PersianCatLady · 31/07/2018 00:49

Sorry but a wonderful person doesn't not treat his pregnant and poorly partner like this.

He is a disgusting excuse for a man right now

Cricrichan · 31/07/2018 00:53

So he won't be affectionate if he doesn't get his leg over? And you think he's a nice man? The fact that you're ill because of your pregnancy doesn't make him want to look after you, instead he slams doors and makes you feel shit?

BeUpStanding · 31/07/2018 01:19

Oh my goodness that is absolutely appalling behaviour! There's no excuse. He is a selfish, abusive man-child.

ijustwannadance · 31/07/2018 01:25

Emotional blackmail.
What a knob.

daisyboooo · 31/07/2018 01:33

I had an ex that was like this about sex ( no pregnancy involved though )
Towards the end of the relationship I absolutely detested him.
Excuse my French but what a first class
( dropping the C bomb here ) excuse of a man you are with!
It's times like this you need him to cuddle up to when you are feeling awful.
He should truly be ashamed of himself.
I remember vividly how disgusting and appalled I was at this behaviour in retaliation to no sex when I was either tired or not well.

gonnabreakmyrustycage · 31/07/2018 01:37

I can’t imagine a more disgusting behaviour.

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