Partner sleeping in other room because I can't be intimate with him

[Smor87]

So... I'm 17 weeks pregnant and have been feeling really disgusting since I found out I was pregnant (at 4 weeks), nauseous, knackered. Now I'm starting to feel better but am getting bigger and am feeling really insecure.
My partner of 7 years feels he was patient about us not having sex at the beginning of the pregnancy but now I totally don't feel like it and he is sulking. I say this because he won't sleep in the same bed with me, he says 'what is the point', I explain the point is to create intimacy and make me feel less rejected/more secure and he feels unless he gets more than just a hand held there is no point, slams the door of the spare room and yet states I'M not making an effort.

Am I being unreasonable?

Forgot to add that it probably won't be long until he makes your skin crawl carrying off like this. It is the biggest turn off ever & it's not something that you just forget about either as it's so damaging to the relationship & hurtful.

I slept seperatly from DH for a while because I was feeling rejected by him sexually and emotionally. Just lying there felt utterly awful and very lonely for me. He’d be snoring away and I’d be quietly feeling rock bottom. I felt better sleeping seperatly. More resilient and less alone. Things are much better now. We are in a better place

Door slamming sounds immature though and I don’t agree with demanding sex and sulking. Sleeping seperatly isn’t necessarily sulking though. It might be more about him trying to feel better

He’s not wonderful though is he? He thinks he’s entitled to your body and when he doesn’t get it he tantrums and tries to gaslight you in believing it’s all your fault, I’m sorry that’s hard to hear but the truth often is.
No one can force you to leave an abusive relationship but people here will absolutely tell you the truth and often bluntly because even though you might not want to hear it you need to hear it.
You deserve so much better.

Intimacy is about so much more than sex and frankly he sounds like he needs to read up on what happens to a woman's body both through pregnancy and post child birth. It is very very common for a woman's libido to drop in pregnancy due to hormones and if you are unlucky like myself you can find yourself in a great deal of physical pain due to symphonic pubis disorder, sciatica, rib pain and indigestion in later pregnancy (seriously I feel like my crotch has done ten rounds with Mike Tyson and I often cry out turning in bed). That's before giving where you can't have sex for 6 weeks due to risk of infection, your boobs feel like they have been battered by an angry gorilla and that's if you dont suffer any injury in delivery (baby makes it all worth it though I promise you honey).

My ability to become aroused had suffered a great deal (due in 2 weeks and counting down the seconds) and we have to use lubricant at the moment as a result. Thankfully because we are affectionate and intimate the desire is still there even if the ability is restricted. My husband and I sleep in seperate rooms by choice (he snores and I groan in my sleep so it means we both get a great sleep) but we make time at least once a week or two for a snuggle.

I will admit that I used to get defensive about sex when I was younger with my DH, I never slammed doors or refused affection as a result, I would just become a bit emotional and sad. I think a heart to heart with your DH explaining that his behaviour isn't acceptable is your best route forward and that long term it will harm your relationship. Be as honest as possible, explain that you love him, but right now you are experiencing a great deal of changes which is making sex feel uncomfortable for you. Right now you need love, kisses and belly rubs, and to know that you and his unborn babies health is his utmost concern.

Just as a piece of advice, whether you realise it or not, your little bump is going to be all you think about and will most likely talk about for some time. There is a real chance that he might be one of the kind of men who becomes jealous and resentful of that so you might want to nip that in the bud before it arises and watch out for signs of distancing himself such as refusing to touch your bump or engaging in plans for baby arriving.

Wishing you love and a safe pregnancy xx

Definitely not OK! But now it's where you go from here. What happens if you try to have a calm conversation about it? I'm 13 weeks and still can't face sex feel sick but my DH is understanding and an adult.

Personally I would explain that intermacy is not just sex its having a cuddle feeling safe etc and that actually his behaviour is doing the polar opposite of making you feel terrible and even less likely to want to have sex as a result.

I would also suggest that he reads some dads to be material such as commando dad which explains plainly how to support you including your feelings.

I also suggest couples counselling not only to improve your communication but also so he can hear how destructive his behaviour actually is.

He does need to realise that sex on tap is never a right in a relationship, more so when a child is involved. I suggest you have an honest chat with him; if he’s frustrated he can surely masturbate (on his own if you’re not feeling sexual), then stop the sulking and door slamming and come to bed for a chat and a cuddle like a grown-up supportive partner?!

My libido was fine during pregnancy but nerve damage and severe birth injuries mean we’ve had sex a total of 4 times since I became a mother nearly a year ago. Most of those I was uncomfortable and upset at the loss of my ability to enjoy sex like I used to. I’m under hospital care, doing physio every day and likely to eventually need surgery; it’s going to be a long time until sex is easy and a pleasure and that’s without factoring in a baby who is still (as is normal and healthy for breastfed babies) waking once or twice a night to feed. He needs a wake-up call about the potential implications of parenthood on your sex life; had I not got loving support while I try and rehab my knackered pelvic floor and recover sensation I don’t think I’d be able to stay sane.

He’s not wonderful! I’m guessing you’ve always prioritised his ‘needs’ not realising that there was never going to a time when he was going to expect anything less.

His sense of entitlement is only going to get stronger the more he realises that he isn’t the Most Important Person in the relationship. You’ve got a long road ahead because anyone who thinks it’s ok to manipulate you when you are this vulnerable isn’t really going to be supportive going forward.

There’s no special language or statement that you can learn to make this immature twat more understanding, This is who he is and you being his wank receptacle is his priority. I don’t what ‘your shit’ is that he’s put up with but is this treatment really the price worth paying?

I think he is being quite rude but I hear you, when you say he is a good spouse when it comes to other things.
My advice would be not discuss this while one of you is angry... but to wait a bit until both of you are relaxed.... and tell him how it makes you feel... and how important it is to have himnext to you again.

he's a really wonderful person otherwise

He's really not.]

He sees you as worthless unless he gets his pleasure. I assume your first post meant to say unless he gets a hand job, not hand holding?

He sees that the only reason to be near you in bed is to orgasm, otherwise he sees no worth to you, and is trying to sulk and strop until you relent and give him sex.

And all the while you feel like crap, and he's not there supporting you, comforting you through all of this.

Yeah, he's in no way a wonderful person.