Found something on husbands phone

[Feelingshaken]

I am a regular poster but I have name changed for this.
I don’t know what to think. I feel I need some perspective so I’m asking here for some feedback/help. I have close friends but feel I need to sort this on my own....with your help!
Married a few years. One child. Husband a good man. Never had reason to worry. Always had a access to his phone etc. We’ve had a tough year and some arguments and life stresses but a lot of love. Last week I was using his phone and looked at history to find a site from several weeks ago we wanted to compare something on. I found history for a local sex chat site. I could see profiles and messages had been viewed.
I confronted him. He ‘confessed’ straight away and said he used the site to look at sexy/explicit photos. I don’t have a problem with porn exactly or something that id find difficult to accept - I’d be happy to talk about things like that but he has been shy. This kind of site feels different though as it seems too intimate. He straight away showed me the account when I comforted him. He has no profile information and he has not messaged anyone. It seems it was created and not used since. I do understand though I may only have seen some history. I don’t want to be stupid about this. He did not try to avoid any of my questions. It led to a ‘good’ conversation about sex. It feels like I know more about him now and things have opened up but I still am scared.
I still feel numb often too. I am writing this in the hope someone can give me some perspective of how this kind of thing could be overcome. Or equally am I fooling myself.
He has been very open about anything I want to say/ask. I don’t know what to do. We have a small child. I’m posting here as it’s just going around my head and need some talking it through. Mumsnet is the best place I know for it. Can you give me any insight from an outside point of view or share experiences?

Messages had been viewed ? So he had a profile but no information on it ?

Yes he had a profile/account saying he was male/his age but no info/pics. And all the inbox messages were coming in (I guess phishing type things for paid things I don’t know?). He’d read some of them but not sent anything nor replied to anything.

He’d read some of them but not sent anything nor replied to anything

Or he has deleted them?

I had the phone when I confronted him and he went to the website on the phone with me watching to ‘prove’ he’d not sent any messages. So I saw the profile and and only messages in an inbox, some clicked on. Outbox was empty. I can’t see how he’d have done that with me right there watching but maybe I just don’t know what to think.

What’s the site called?

SecretSwipe or something similar. I can’t remember to be sure. Definitely dodgy discrete dating type of site. Why do you ask.... Are some known to have empty sent boxes or some kind of thing like that?

it’s definitely something to keep an eye on. it’s a horrible thing to find, but it doesn’t sound like it’s a deal breaker for you. why that specific site rather than a generic porn site? why was it a “local” site? that would worry me, was he hoping to meet up with someone?

ive lived with an ex who had a deep addiction to all things online sex-related and one thing i think would have helped is some sort of counselling related to this sort of thing, rather than just foolishly expecting him to never do it again. i dont know if you are at that stage yet, since it was one site.

I would feel the same as you Feeling , but realistically, I often explore things on the internet because I am curious and I have the time. Some of the sites I end up on can be pretty out there and I am pleased I can delete my history and I don't share my tablet with anyone.
I would give my DH the benefit of the doubt since this is could be a one-off.

seems like its a website to chat and swap pics with real people? it costs money apparently, which is why maybe he never sent any measages because he didnt want to pay.

Yes he said he wouldn’t have paid for anything just wanted to look at the photos.

As you say esk1mo, it’s the fact that it is a hookup type site that bothers me as it feels one step away from proper chatting to someone. That, or webcam would be a deal breaker for me if with another site user or a sex worker. He tells me that it was just a way to view photos, and sometimes he’ll go on a free porn site for a video or something. I believe it’s occasional and when I had more time I might have looked too, but the local connections type the site advertised feels very different to me.

Thank you everyone, I am very thankful for you all talking me through this.

I just wondered if it’s a site I’ve been on in the past, if I’d used it before I could’ve helped you dig into it a bit more but it’s not one I’ve heard of unfortunately.

It doesn’t sound good, honestly. If he wanted to look at pictures, there are umpteen free porn sites out there that don’t require one to create an account. Sorry OP

Thank you for offering to help. That’s what I don’t get either. But then why the no messages? It’s stuck in my head.

if it were me, id think he was looking for a way to interact with real people ie. porn type pics and videos but when he realised he had to pay he didnt bother.

its worrying in that its a step up from watching porn. perhaps “just watching”
isnt enough anymore and he was looking for a greater thrill. thats usually how things escalate.

free porn> free live cams > paying for porn and cams > searching for escorts/visiting escorts

not saying that happens to every man, most can control themselves but in some people it escalates.

id have a look on his phone, maybe in the app store to see if he has ever downloaded dating apps like tinder or apps that allow live chatting.

it might have just been a one-off though, so its hard to give advice other than keep an eye on it and reiterate your boundaries and standards so he knows you will not tolerate any real/live interactions/cams etc.

That just turns me cold. I am thankful for your thoughts though. It makes me want to run a mile.

How long ago did he set up the account?
I don't see why you would join that type of site if all you wanted were photos. There are loads of places to get photos.

I don’t know...a few weeks ago I think.
I agree that’s the bit I can’t shake.

Feelingshaken, I really feel for you. I've been in a similar situation to you but it went way beyond what you have found. Are there any problems within your relationship such as lack of intimacy? Is there anything else which makes you suspicious? When I look back there were lots of signs but for some reason I didn't put two and two together! I'm not saying that he is meeting up with anyone, but I recommend you remain on alert and keep an eye on things. You may have to leave it while before you start your 'investigation' because he will be suspicious at the moment. For me, the type of thing you found was the tip of the iceberg. He was cheating on me throughout our whole relationship. I believe his obsession with the internet and sex chat rooms etc led him to meet up with people in real life. I don't mean to be alarmist, but I think many women are naive when it comes to infidelity. My husband had secret email accounts and another mobile, such was the depth of his deception.

Well this happened to me too. Sort of. It was also the tip of an iceberg so be wary. Check phone bills and ATM withdrawals just to be sure he hasn't been seeing sex workers and this was just another string to his bow.
Do not be naïve.

Oh god. All this fills me with horror. I’m so sorry you both went through dreadful things. I can’t live with this hanging over me and having to check accounts etc. we share various bank details and I have access to his stuff and there’s nothing suspicious now or going back. It’s he not knowing if I’m being taken for a total fool that’s so unnerving. What if he has other emails and phones. That’s so scary.
And to answer your question, no I can’t say there’s been a lack of intimacy. He’s been shy about talking about explicit things and I always thought we’d get to it in time as we got to know each other more. We’ve certainly been having frequent sex.

I'm sorry to make you feel crap, and hopefully nothing else is going on. I just want you to be aware, and I think you need to check out things a bit more. These websites are not harmless, they can encourage people to become involved with other higher risk activities. It depends on the persons personality e.g., whether they will become addicted so to speak. If he has an iPhone check out his Website Data (google how to do this), google blocked telephone numbers on his phone. Look at Top Sites if he has a laptop (this is how I found out everything). I found out he was on a dating website(s). I found his secret email account and pretended I was him. I emailed the dating website and asked them to reopen his dating profile. Unbelievably they did, and the rest is history...My husband came across as such a normal and nice guy, but he lied, lied, and lied. I think he was in denial himself. However we did have difficulties with intimacy within our relationship, and your relationship certainly sounds far healthier.

There are loads of places to get photos.

I was thinking the same.

I appreciate you posting. Does checking website data work if he uses ‘private’ option I wonder? I wish I knew how to do this when I had his phone. I guess he must use private option usually as this was a random string of hits on an otherwise very boring weeks and weeks worth of google searches for household stuff or whatever.

I really don't know I'm afraid, I'm not that tech savvy tbh. However, this thread may help you, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1749842-Possible-cheating-partner-how-to-check-an-iphone