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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me shed some light on a confusing relationship?

27 replies

Gahbahboo · 29/07/2018 21:42

This has been a kind of relationship for 8 months, when we finished it, and since then mostly off for the last 5 months because it is unlikely to go anywhere. He has always said he doesn't want anything serious (divorced) and I am in the same position.

However, there has always been a huge connection, physical and otherwise. I have not felt like this with anyone previously. Going no contact never seems to last.

He'll message me or I'll break and message him, and we usually end up meeting at a pub for a drink. When we meet it is very easy and enjoyable, we enjoy catching up, and the chemistry is still immense (although we have not done anything about that recently).

I should really be turning him down and not meeting up with him because it is messing with my head now. I don't feel strong enough a lot of the time to do this because when I am with him the rest of the world does not exist (yes, I am aware how ridiculous that sounds). Somehow we have never spoken about what is going on as it seems easier not to...And I have not brought it up because I suppose I am trying to protect myself in a way. So I have no idea how he feels.

I guess I am asking why he would be wanting to still meet up with me when seemingly not interested in anything relationship wise? We can never be just friends as too much has happened and the physical attraction is still so strongly there.

And what should I do moving forward? He makes me feel a loss of control over my emotions and actions which I find very unsettling.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 29/07/2018 21:49

If somebody makes you uncomfortable it's better to make sure they aren't in your life.

Is it possible he's manipulating you? Abusive relationships can feel very intense very quickly.

Original poster
Gahbahboo · 29/07/2018 21:54

Yes, it is possible he is manipulating me, and using me to boost his ego which I'm sure I do. I wouldn't say abusive.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 29/07/2018 22:08

What would you like to happen with him OP? If you were being completely honest. Regardless of him saying he didn't want anything serious (imagine he hadn't said that). Once you know what you want, go from there. Either he can't/won't give it, or you don't know him well enough. Are you missing out on meeting someone else?

Original poster
Gahbahboo · 29/07/2018 22:16

There's a good question. I suppose I would like to give it a go with him. Everything seems to click when we are together. There is no way I can tell him that though unless he gives me some indication of how he feels.

I am definitely not interested in anyone else right now as no-one seems to match up. It feels like I am going through the motions/distracting myself with dating other people.

OP posts:
buckeejit · 29/07/2018 22:32

Please just tell him. There's nothing in this world more empowering than being honest. When you're open, nobody can have a hold over you like this & if he's not a dick, he'll be honest in return & you'll both know where you stand.

Original poster
Gahbahboo · 29/07/2018 22:45

Really @buckeejit? I feel so uncomfortable thinking of telling him, I have planned to before but chickened out entirely. I don't know if I'm brave enough which is pathetic.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 29/07/2018 22:57

the fact you can’t tell him suggests this is not an emotional connection it’s just physical

You almost need to wean yourself off him by going cold turkey

It really isn’t going anywhere. It’s based on getting an exciting frisson if sexual energy from one another... it doesn’t seem to have anything deeper. I had this once. It was like torture. But I was surprised how quickly I forgot about him once I decided to walk away for good

Mari50 · 29/07/2018 23:33

To be totally honest, reading this I think you should go NC if you can. There’s nothing to be gained here other that a total head fuck. You’re wasting your time with a man who isn't that into you because invariably when they are, they let you know.
If you weren’t into anything serious you wouldn’t be using language like ‘when I am with him it’s like the rest of the world doesn’t exist’ -it is ridiculous and it’s just chemicals but get out now before he hurts you.

coolcahuna · 29/07/2018 23:47

I agree NC is the way forward here. I've just had a similar thing happen to me. The most amazing chemistry I've ever felt etc, literally couldn't concentrate when he was nearby.

It's not healthy and was very intense and ended badly. Then kept in touch on messages and 3 weeks ago we went no contact at his doing. Painful and still is. I still think about him every day. But..it gets easier. I don't want to feel like that about someone again...

AgentJohnson · 30/07/2018 01:00

This man is getting exactly what he wants, he doesn’t want the commitment of a relationship but wants the instant gratification that comes with the inevitable botty call, which he knows you won’t say no to.

The only power this man has over you is the power you surrender to him. ‘I can’t help myself’ Is a cop out. The balls in your court, not his. If this isn’t working for you then say so but you don’t because the crumbs on offer are apparently enough.

Whackytaco · 30/07/2018 01:12

AgentJohnson botty call Grin.

But I agree with you.

Lyinglow50 · 30/07/2018 01:29

Ask him. I know someone who wasted 7 years of her life wondering if the guy she was in a relationship similar to what you describe had feelings for her.

He ended up in a longterm relationship and has a baby. My friend took years to get over someone who never saw a future with her. She wasted so long that she missed the opportunity to have children and this still causes her pain years later.

Seriously stop wasting your time. Ask him if he sees a future with you and if he doesn't then resume your own life. If you're too scared to ask him face to face text him.

Don't waste your life being frightened of being assertive. You've got one life, get what you want.

NewtoOLD · 30/07/2018 07:25

the fact you can’t tell him suggests this is not an emotional connection it’s just physical

What???

Sugarplumps · 30/07/2018 08:18

Please just tell him. His reaction will be your answer.

Original poster
Gahbahboo · 30/07/2018 09:07

@AgentJohnson, yes you are correct, he does know that I won't be able to say no to him and I am happy to accept the crumbs he is offering. Or have been so far.

I have not been able to tell him because neither of us have ever been open about discussing what is happening between us. We seem to talk about everything else.

OP posts:
justthisguy · 30/07/2018 09:41

Talking about it might clarify things and help him decide - possibly to definitely end things or make you more certain there is no future and this might be why you’re avoiding doing so too. I’ve been there in the distant past and such doses of reality can be a bit like a cold shower on what is - as others have said - a chemically driven high. If you’re like I was, you’ll be feeling you want to avoid that. The high feels so good you don’t want it to end even though it means keeping things from moving on.

The thing is, not moving on means you’re stuck and this high - like most things that get you high - comes with downs and is toxic. You have to accept this might fall apart in order to move forward. As someone wise once said “what’s right survives.”

PookieDo · 30/07/2018 10:01

This is what I mean about this is not an emotional connection NewtoOld

if it was no one would spend the best part of a half a year like this

The harsh truth is you already know he doesn’t want a relationship and it’s why you broke up. He is literally keeping you warm in his back pocket right now - all it would take is the right words or right move and you would melt back into his arms. If he had changed his mind he would have said so!

MsMaestro · 30/07/2018 10:02

I had a relationship like this once (it’s strange to hear you describe it OP!). I kept going back even though I knew it wasn’t going anywhere.

When it finally fizzled out, after about 3 years on and off, my main feelings were what a waste of time it had all been. It should have a remained a short passionate fling, and not become a way of life.

Original poster
Gahbahboo · 30/07/2018 10:13

The sexual energy and frisson when we are together are crazy. The less we do about it the more it seems to be there too.

Thank you for the perspectives, all of which are accurate in a way.

My issue now is I do need to go cold turkey on this addiction, and have tried numerous times before but unsuccessfully.

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 30/07/2018 10:16

He wants sex and he wants his ego stroked.

If you can’t say no when he messages you block his number on your phone, email and all social media.

He’ll soon move on.

Flowers
Sugarplumps · 30/07/2018 10:19

I have been in a similar situation but it wasn't possible for me to ask for a relationship. Perhaps let him know that your feelings haven't changed and that you either need him to step up or you will have to step away. It will be SO HARD to go cold turkey, I know exactly how hard. But at least you'll have closure if he says no, and you won't wonder. I am tired of all the wondering I've done since we went NC. I dearly wish I could have had some closure.

crimsonlake · 30/07/2018 10:30

Sounds like you are addicted to him, you need to go NC, unless you are happy to go along with this as you have been doing. This could drag on for a very long time until you eventually get bored and really see him and it for what things really are. He clearly enjoys the power he has over you.
Will he give you what you really want ever? Would you really want to be with him long term? Think of what you could be missing out on by focusing on him, although you do not think so you are probably closing yourself off to the prospect of meeting any one new.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/07/2018 10:33

You say you have a huge connection yet you are unable to talk about your feelings?

I think he's using you but doesn't want to commit to anything.

If you want to go NC you'll have to block him.

Original poster
Gahbahboo · 30/07/2018 10:34

He wants sex and he wants his ego stroked.

He is not getting sex from me right now. Well a fumble occasionally but not sex. Ego stroking, definitely.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 30/07/2018 11:10

When it was me I said

Look this isnt working for me, I think if we aren’t going to progress to a relationship then we should stop meeting up

see how he reacts