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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partners children are really badly behaved!!

26 replies

Vealem1977 · 29/07/2018 19:13

Really need some advice. Have been in a relationship for the last year with a really lovely man. The only problem is that his children are really badly behaved and he doesn't get why this annoys me.
I have worked incredibly hard to bring my two children up well. I have a great relationship with their dad that we work on constantly and we both dedicate a great deal of time into making sure our children have manners, social skills and consideration for others. They are not perfect and neither am I but we try.
My partner however dedicates all of his time with his kids to them having fun but does not discipline them at all. As a result they jump all over my furniture at my house, push trolleys into people in the supermarket and the eldest shouts and screams when he doesn't get his own way and has even hit his own mother.
I am extremely worried that if I continue this relationship it will have a negative impact on my kids, and that I will loose my temper with his kids which I don't want to do.
Opinions please.

OP posts:

kenandbarbie · 29/07/2018 19:14

How old are they?

AnyFucker · 29/07/2018 19:16

Run, run far away

HollowTalk · 29/07/2018 19:17

Wow, I wouldn't stay with a man like that. Why on earth would you? He holds completely different values to you - you would never be able to influence his children as he's always offering them the easy way out. I'd run a mile.

strawberrisc · 29/07/2018 19:18

AnyFucker

Totally agree. This will not end well.

magoria · 29/07/2018 19:19

Leave and don't look back.

They treat your house like shit and he does nothing to stop them.

They are aggressive to strangers and their mother.

They will start on your DC or you at some stage and he will do fuck all to stop them.

Somersetlady · 29/07/2018 19:19

No matter how much i liked a man like this i would have to end it this early on.

It woukd stress me out and I wouldn’t want to be around his children. Not conducive to a long term relationship.

Cherubfish · 29/07/2018 19:20

You can't change the way he parents his kids. So you need to decide how much this bothers you. Either decide you can live with it, or end the relationship.

Honestly, it really is that simple. He won't change (it's possible you'll be able to influence him slightly but no more than that) so any decision you make must be on that basis.

Ellie56 · 29/07/2018 19:22

These children sound a nightmare. One of them has hit his own mother?
That will be you if you dare to try and discipline him.

I would dump the lovely man and move on.

Horsesforcourses23 · 29/07/2018 19:22

Have you spoke to your partner about this?

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, I don't have any children but have raised my nephew from being small. His youngest child was really really naughty similar to what you describe, would throw plates of food, scream, hit, punch etc. When we talked about it, my partner said that in his opinion he would "grow out of it" and also his "spirit, shouldn't be squashed". I didn't agree, but he wasn't my child. However in the end I did end the relationship because of it. We couldn't go anywhere or do anything if we had the youngest because he was uncontrollable.

It was very sad but also the right thing to do, I wouldn't ever have been able to accept that behaviour.

Weirdly I saw them a few months ago and the youngest was still much the same. (Picture organised activity and just flat refusal to do anything being asked of him)

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 29/07/2018 19:22

Why are his children in your life? youve only been dating him for a year, you have a family, your own life, why have you decided to bring his into your life? What’s wrong with just dating him and keeping both your children out of it?

Shortstuff08 · 29/07/2018 19:24

You need to end the relationship

Not because the kids are naughty. Because he is an ineffectual parent and you aren't. It's not going to work.

Sevendown · 29/07/2018 19:26

You are too different, it won’t last.

Rebecca36 · 29/07/2018 19:29

Find another man! This situation won't get better in a rush, the children may well grow into nice people but why do you have to put up with their antics on the way?

Original poster

Vealem1977 · 29/07/2018 19:32

Wow, didn't expect such an immediate response! Thank you for all opinions. I have stuck with this as his kids can be really lovely and because we have talked about this and he has tried to make moves to change things. Just doesn't seem to be working though.
I am aware that I am strict with my kids but am because want the best for them. He doesn't disagree with how I treat my kids but seems incapable of disciplining effectively himself.

OP posts:

GeorgeIII · 29/07/2018 19:36

Thing is if they are naughty and defiant now goodness knows what sort of teens they will be. Don't think I'd want to go through that phase.

PookieDo · 29/07/2018 19:57

For various reasons including this kind of thing I broke up with my ex partner

One kid he wouldn’t stop nit picking, the other he ignored and the youngest he absolutely molllycoddled into a total rude little monster. I felt sorry for the other 2. I couldn’t do it... it really did drive me insane and nothing changed and won’t because his parenting just isn’t what you would like it to be

HeebieJeebies456 · 29/07/2018 20:36

they jump all over my furniture at my house

do you tell them off?
i would.....and if the dad objected i'd tell him to take them back to his house

Lovemusic33 · 29/07/2018 21:18

This is the reason I no longer date men with kids.

Run for the hills and don’t look back. People parent differently and this makes blending families very hard.

HollowTalk · 30/07/2018 11:53

I agree - you couldn't possibly blend your two families. Your kids would hate it. You would hate it. He would relinquish all responsibility. His kids would be resentful.

I'd leave him and look for someone who shares your values.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/07/2018 14:19

This is really awkward and I have been in this situation too.

In the end, he was such an ineffectual 'Disney Dad' I just lost all respect for him. His kids had no manners, no idea what the word 'No' meant and were just little shits, frankly.

I think you need to reconsider how this will impact your kids in the long-term. As other have suggested it doesn't sound as though you have shared values. Sorry.

category12 · 30/07/2018 14:28

Too big an incompatibility, best to end it.

Or just date with no plans to blend families/live together/have dc together.

ThrownMuse · 30/07/2018 14:36

I agree with others that you should feel able to expect them to behave in your house. Tell your DP that you'll be telling them off when they misbehave, and if he doesn't support you, you'll ask them to go home.

My friends have a child like this, 'high spiritied' and never disciplined. My child no longer wants to play with them and I've stopped arranging play dates inside the home as the child runs wild!

itchyknees · 30/07/2018 16:55

How old are they?

Megan2989 · 30/07/2018 17:14

Im having similar trouble, been with partner for 3 years and sinve his child was one. His child can be lovely but she is also bossy, rude and whinges just as a general tone of voice. It drives me mad and we have had many arguments as i refuse to be around this. I also refuse to ignore it and i am straight up with him. I feel between him and hos ex they are bringing up quite an unlilable child and just constantly make excuses for the behaviour. Had i have knpw beforehand, i would have enjoyed the first date and then parted on good terms. It really does make you lose respect for them.

I have posponed having more children due to this and will not even consider unless he starts parenting and not being a bloody disney land dad.

Megan2989 · 30/07/2018 17:16

Sorry, cannot type on this device.

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