Love being single

[lola212121]

I know a lot of women - thinking of old acquaintances and women I hear talking -feel very low when not in a relationship . I'm 31 have had numerous failed relationships and 3 children and have reached the point where I don't want another relationship, I have been single 4.5 years . I am attractive , I am slim and get a lot of attention even without make up but I think what a waste because I don't need attention ...but I'm thinking I won't be regarded as attractive in a few years time so should I maybe make good use of it and start dating ? however the thought of getting involved with a man doesn't even appeal to me . I like my freedom too much , I also have a very busy life . . . I think the reason I'm writing this post is to generate discussion about why people feel the need to be in a relationship ? And to help people feel better about being single ...even at a young age .

Asking women if they miss sex when they are single is feeding into the whole asexual/spinster theory. Why assume a woman doesn’t like or miss it - they probably do like it, but don’t value it as highly as they value themselves or their lives

I love being in a relationship for lots of reasons. Companionship, always having someone there for you, sex, help with the kids, household etc, sharing finances, family life. It has to be with the right person though. I'd take being single over being in the wrong relationship.
A strong loving relationship can enhance you in so many ways. I never knew a relationship was meant to be so good till I met my partner.

I think your temperament has a huge bearing on this. Some people are more comfortable as part of a couple team and function much better in this scenario -- others feel cramped and claustrophobic.

I have generally found in the early stages of a good relationship (first 18 months or so) that the benefits outweigh the downsides, but in all my reasonably long-term experiences the same things have eventually happened:

a) the sex either becomes routine and dull or peters out
b) the bloke becomes entitled or lazy or just can't really be arsed emotionally or socially -- so many men see being in a relationship as an excuse to stop bothering having a social life
c) you start having the same conversations again and again, hearing the same jokes and getting that sinking feeling

If you're the sort of person for whom the comfort and security of being part of a team outweighs these negatives you'll probably keep on trucking with it regardless as its part of your natural order. If you're not and cherish your independence and freedom you'll get tired of it.

I've yet to have a relationship which successfully went past the two/three year mark without one or all of those things kicking in. Maybe I'm particularly cynical or have been particularly unlucky and have yet to meet the right person, but I'm in my 40s and have a kid and generally like my life. Anyone I met now would have to be pretty bloody special for me to disrupt our lives.

I live alone, just getting used to the kids not being there. Other family all live abroad. And I work from home, no workmates. I do go out and do social stuff - regularly three times a week - but still spend a lot of time entirely alone. I can live without a man, but there are lots of advantages to having a boyfriend. Without one I would have to rely entirely on my few close friends for support - e.g. moving furniture, having a moan - and I'm not confident enough to think they would want to help me that often. I can do without sex, too, but it's a great way to release some endorphins (sex toys don't have quite the same effect for me). Even just having someone stroke your leg or kiss you feels good if you don't otherwise get much/any physical contact. And with a boyfriend you have usually got someone to go out and have some fun with, if everyone else is busy. I'll go to the cinema or something on my own, but am not keen on sitting alone in a restaurant, for instance. It makes quite a difference if you literally have no family to do things with.

I can still buy myself flowers and don't feel like my boyfriend should - we aren't married. We don't live together. I have my own space, with decor I like, and am not his cleaner. He's used to living alone and cooks yummy food for me when I go over. Sometimes I stay the night at his, sometimes I go home; if I didn't want him staying at mine overnight he would go home. We aren't tied together; I wouldn't even have a toothbrush to get from his if we split up tomorrow.

If you're super busy with loads of friends and family I can see why a relationship could just get in the way, but this simple relationship gives me a lot of pleasure. When I can, I variously treat myself to chocolates, a good film, nice clothes, nice day out, glass of wine. This feels similar.

Pookie I have a lovely FWB (haven’t seen him for a while but he messages me a lot asking to see me), he puts me first in bed and doesn’t act out a porn movie, unlike most men I have met. The good thing about him is I know I could never be in a relationship with him as he’s just not my type, slightly crazy and a wild child. I fancy him enough to sleep with him but that’s it. I think these kind of FWB are hard to find as most just want to please themselves.

I'm newly single and I'm hoping I can use this time to grow and build in my life. Iv been in a Very bad relationship for 5 years and iv finally broke free. Surely it won't be too hard to be happier single that in a relationship like that

twilight, yes, being single is much better than being in a bad relationship. At first I found it really hard but I have grown in confidence and now enjoy my own time and doing my own thing.

Well obviously it is horses for courses but yes, I agree with you OP.

I have never been as happy in a relationship long term as I am alone. I don't like compromise, and find being in a relationship incredibly stressful. My youngest DC is about to move to London to join eldest. I am downsizing which will release money so I have lots of holidays/breaks planned with friends and family.

I love my job, and am generally busy. However, I am very happy in my own company. It wouldn't bother me if I didn't see or speak to another human for a whole week.

I do have some friends who cannot bear to be single and I see them making mistake after mistake with undesirable/wanker blokes and I want to shake them. But it isn't my life/my choice.

We have to accept we all have different needs.

username Yes - that is how my life has gone too!! Never again!!!

It is nice to hear from people who did find the elusive ‘one’ but even so, I don’t want to go and find one for myself and am not currently interested in having someone who can move my furniture around 😂

PookieDo, I know moving furniture is not the romantic dream :) but purely practically speaking, do you happy singles all just have a good network of friends and family, do you pay handymen? I can put up shelves and fit together IKEA furniture on my own, and I paid a handyman to do my lighting, and got my kitchen fitted in my flat, but honestly it's not just much cheaper but also really useful having a second person around who's extra close to you. Doesn't have to be someone muscly, it's more the fact that you can ask them - even after work, or on a Sunday - without feeling indebted or a bit cheeky for expecting so much.

And do you get your conversation from workmates, family, friends? My bf is away this week, so I'll be speaking to other people this Tuesday and Thursday, maybe Wednesday but otherwise I might exchange a sentence or two with the nighbour in passing. Do you see people every day? Does being happily single work best if you are extroverted or have a good network?

How much time a week would you actually be alone?

@ravenmum I do all my own DIY. Put together my new super king size bed recently (all for me to sleep in!) No instructions with it either as I bought it straight from the factory for cheapness.

To be fair though I only rent my flat so big jobs are my landlord's responsibility anyway. If there's anything I really can't do my stepdad will come over and sort.

I'm a pretty social person but I am an only child so I am used to my own company and I'm happy in it. After DS has gone to bed I don't speak to anyone physically, I'll whatsapp friends, watch TV.

I have a very good network of family and friends. My entire family all live in the same city, we're really close and none of us would want to live far away.

fwb used to come over on the nights DS was with his dad but now I usually spend them alone or with friends if they are free, some weekends I take a short haul flight somewhere in Europe and explore a new city alone. I love it.

Convo wise: I work 2 jobs, one of them is in an office environment and I see people frequently to make small talk
The other job is working from home so not so much
I am close friends with my next door neighbour and we hang out and chat often
I am close with my sister although she doesn’t live near me and is very busy (char on the phone and see each other EOW)
I have friends I met online who I talk to on the phone and once a year may visit
I’m quite good friends over the years with my landlord and I can call him when I need something but I’m also his friend iyswim

I do not have any need or worry about having to have a 2nd person there to help me: single mum for 10 years a man has not lived with me for a very long time, or been helpful around the house so I think it is a case of adaptation - a man has nothing that I need anymore except a penis...

I'm not actually single, though I live alone. My DP lives 200 miles away so we have weekends together. After a messy divorce, I never want to live with another man! I think I've got the best of both worlds, do what I like all week and have company/sex every weekend.

I think a lot of it is just personal preference, really. There have been a couple of comments like "I don't need a handyman" or "I don't need a man to help" or "different needs". Like I said, I don't need that, either; I just find it more convenient than not, and as I also like a few other things about having a bf, it's quite a nice all-in-one package :) The question "why do people feel the need to be in a relationship" is also a bit off. It's not feeling a need, usually, is it? Isn't it usually wanting to be in a relationship, because of the nice aspects?

I also put my bed together; kind of symbolic, don't you think?! I definitely felt quite chuffed with myself, anyway.

I think that within my marriage, we fell into the usual stereotypical man/woman roles - and I accepted it, as those were the only roles he would willingly take on! So he did all the DIY, for example, and I kind of accepted that he knew more about it than me, through practice. I think it encouraged him to think of me as beneath him, as I was doing the more menial stuff. Moving into my new flat I found I could do DIY just as well, if not better than him, and within days rather than years. Sorting out all my finances, insurance etc. was also very satisfying (he used to do it as he is the native speaker here, but I can do it fine now). If I do ever move in with someone I'd avoid the stereotyped roles, which would mean finding someone who'd go along with it - even the current bf is more modern, and he's older than my ex. That experience of being semi-single has really made me rethink my attitude.

We are talking about society judging women who neither need or want a man - like we are weird defective, sexless beings. A lot of the things people say they like about having a relationship often comes over as something they need the other person for: shared finances, heavy lifting and conversation. It is personal preference because those traits are not something I need or want from one single person. I don’t mean to judge others who say that this does make them happy just because it doesn’t make me happy

I’m mum to one dc, single for the last few years.
I’ve sat with friend after friend whose husbands have left for the younger woman, run up debts and lost the house or blown the pension. Of violent partners and those who have turned stalkerish & weird. I don’t feel judged. I feel lucky.
I am a romantic at heart and would love to find a life partner but it’s getting harder to imagine.
I’ve worked for 30 years, my house is paid for, my dc is happy & flourishing, I have a career and a circle of friends. Life is good. I can move my own furniture & kill my own spiders.

A new man would have to be very special to be worth the risk.

I've been single for 2 hours, after 12 years of monogamous relationships from the age of 18. I've been in a shit situation for ages (long distance relationship with a very nice man, we just aren't compatible and the communication sucks) and thibgs finally ended tonight after months of angst. I've wanted to be single for a while, and I feel optimistic about it rather than shit. But we'll see how it goes.

@FabalaTheGreenGirl it's good that you're feeling positive. I am too. I'm trying to see it as a new adventure. I definitely prefer being in a relationship to being single but finding a decent relationship is very hard it seems these days.

Much better to be single and VERY selective when/if you decide you want another relationship. A lot of people settle for meh relationships out of fear of being alone, or society judging them for their single status.

As a pp said, some people are envious of singles - but won't admit it!

I totally agree with Ryder. I am so selective now I can’t see anyone making the cut! If I look back on a lot of my relationships they were just meh. That’s why they fizzled out. I can’t be bothered with all that any more. It’s taken years but I finally realised I would rather be alone than settle again.

I 100% agree with Clairetree1. I also have been single for over 20 years and have never felt lonely.

It's really sad when I read posts on here by women who are willing to put up with almost any behaviour from a man rather than live alone. They lurch from one relationship disaster to the next, having babies en route, never stopping to learn anything about themselves or other people.

Living alone does not mean living a shadowy half life as some seem to think.

Is it ok to resurrect this interesting thread? I find living independently great. I enjoy making my own decisions and running my own finances. I do not see any benefits to living with somebody. The noise and the mess. I do not feel lonely for a man. To my mind they bring very litle to the table. I pay a gardener and a diy handyman/decorator so see no need for a man.

The only thing I crave is more single female parent friends. It is the main area of lack. I have very few likeminded women friends as I work from home and it is only recently I could go out and mix now my boy is 14 it is much easier. Although I have very little physical and emotional energy to see to much social life. I am joining a choir soon so hope to meet some like minded independent women there.