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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dp's situation is making me feel so crap right now

37 replies

juicychops · 31/05/2007 09:38

Just need to get it out to try and make myself feel better
Ive posted on here a few times before and had great advice. I go away feeling much better, try and talk to dp about it but nothing changes!

To cut a long story short...

Dp has 3 boys between 8 and 13. we have been together nearly 1 1/2 years and still i haven't met his boys and they dont know he has a g'friend. Ive tried talking to him about it so many times, the last time being last night, but he just says nothing will change until he feels his boys are ready to know, and he doesn't feel they are yet so il just have to wait.

He went to france last fri so i didn't see him or hardly hear from him from fri to tues when he came back. He came round tues night, but fell asleep after about half hour and then left wed morning. Because of the half term im not seeing him again until sunday night.

Im getting so so sick of all this waiting around just to see him and spend any time with him. Our relationship is 100% run by him and im so fed up of it. I never see him when he has days or holidays from work as he spends it all with his boys and because they dont know about me i cant even share their time.
last night we talked about it briefly but he just said there is nothing more for him to say that he hasn't said already... take him or leave him!

The last advice you guys gave me was try talking to his mum about it all as i get on ok with her. I have done this now, and she says she feels its about time it happens now, but he wont because he doesn't want to upset them.

What upsets me a lot is i cant even go to dp's sisters wedding in Aug because of all this as his boys will be there.

I dont want to leave him. He is just doing what he thinks is best for his boys and i cant fault him for that. But he isn't thinking about me. He says he knows how hard for me it is, but he couldn't possibly know.

i am really starting to doubt weather i have a future with dp. Its an awful thought to have but i have no idea what he actually wants anymore for our future.

feel so rubbish was crying all night and couldn't sleep

OP posts:
elsieanjoanne · 31/05/2007 09:51

have you got somewhere to stop a night or two to scare him into realising that he needs to have you totally in his life, and i was introduced to my dads wife while we were small they will adapt better being small. They may feel a bi jealous after such a long time of having all his attention to having to share him i think it will need doing before your dp's sis wedding. do something casual if poss have his kids mom there so they feel they got someone there for them! good luck hoping things get better

BecauseImWorthIt · 31/05/2007 09:55

I think it sounds like it's time for you to make a real stand here.

He is undoubtedly thinking about his boys in the short-term, but it also sounds like he is frightened of making a real commitment to you and your relationship. He's getting the best of both worlds - you're not even living together are you?

I know it's hard but I think you have to call him. Tell him it's all over unless he tells his kids.

Sorry - brutal I know - but otherwise he's just going to string you along like this forever.

Original poster
juicychops · 31/05/2007 09:57

Thanks for the support. dp and the boy's mum hate eachother so he would never involve her in something like that. She has a boyfriend and recently dp found out that the both of them went to dinner with dp's eldest boy and he went absolutely psycho i have never seen him so angry. I cant see him deciding to tell them any time this year.

dp doesn't live with me so thats not a prob staying away from him. Plus he's at his mum and dads until sunday anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
juicychops · 31/05/2007 10:01

But if i did that he would definately choose his kids over me then i have lost him forever.

He would do anything for them and he doesn't want to do anything to hurt them. He would rather loose me than hurt them

I dont even think he really sees how much all this is hurting me despite me telling him. Im sure he thinks its me just getting in a mood because i cant see him for a few days

Sitting here crying feel so low

OP posts:
edam · 31/05/2007 10:04

It looks as if he's treating you as a bit on the side, not a partner. Three years, fgs! If he won't tell his kids, then he's not really committed to you, is he?

FioFio · 31/05/2007 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
juicychops · 31/05/2007 10:10

no, his mum and dad are still together. He feels so much guilt for their break up and he wanted him and his ex to still stay together for the kids sake but she didn't want to.

He thinks the boys are going to look back on their childhood and think it was awful compared to the childhood he had. So he wants to buy them loads and take them out as much as he can and spend as much time with them as he can to make up for them splitting up. He doesn't want to do anything to risk upsetting them.

But i understand all this. I think he is a brilliant dad. my ds hasn't seen his tosser bastard dad for over a year because he didn't want to know so its really nice for me to see him caring so much for his boys.

But he's trying to protect them too much and its hurting me. i do feel like a bit on the side thats exactly how i feel at the moment

OP posts:
FioFio · 31/05/2007 10:13

This reply has been deleted

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warthog · 31/05/2007 10:15

well it does sound like things aren't going to change for a while. i think you need to ask him whether he sees a future with you, and if so, then to start thinking about including you with his boys. timelines for it to happen. if not, there's your answer:

  1. either you have him but carry on as things are
  2. you break up and find someone who is happy to commit and include you in all things.
Original poster
juicychops · 31/05/2007 10:22

Yes he sees my ds. But my ds is 2 so its a bit different.

I just dont want to leave him and loose him. it would kill me. i love him so much and i know he loves me just as much. i cant just throw 18 months away.

why cant he understand how much he is hurting me. He cant even see it

OP posts:
FioFio · 31/05/2007 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tigerschick · 31/05/2007 10:27

I'm not sure how you would go about this so it's probably not much help ... but can you talk to him about the future of your relationship without talking about his boys? In a 'where do you see us going?' way rather than 'when can I meet them?' way?
You are clearly very upset about the situation and I don't think he is taking your feelings into account. If he is serious about you having a future together then he needs to understand how much you are hurting. Sorry, like I said, not much help, but supportive, I hope.

Original poster
juicychops · 31/05/2007 10:31

Yes, very supportive

I suppose thats a way i haven't tried yet so il make that my next move.

i thought when we got together that both having kids from previous relationships would help us understand eachothers situations better but clearly i was wrong. Ive known him for 4 years so know we know eachother really well and we are best friends. But this is starting to drive a wedge between us

OP posts:
tigerschick · 31/05/2007 10:36

I really am not an expert but I think that it sounds like he has some things he needs to sort out for himself too. It can't be healthy for him to carry this guilt about his relationship breaking down. It happens and really, if his ex and he don't like eachother as much as you say, then surely it is better for his children that they did split up. May be if there was some way of getting him to understand that his kids can, and probably do, have a great childhood despite the divorce he'd relax a bit. But I don't have any magic dust, sorry.

Original poster
juicychops · 31/05/2007 10:42

ive tried telling him and tried reasuring him but i dont think he can see it himself and i dont know what else to do for him

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 31/05/2007 11:17

Have you tried writing it all down for him to read?

In black and white his behaviour may stand out as more unacceptable?

Have you accepted that if he doesn't change you would be able to walk away from him?

Tbh he should not carry round the guilt of his relationship ending forever. Staying together for the sake of the children is honourable, but would have led to unhappiness for all of them in the long run. Surely he can see that?

18 months is long enough for you to have established your relationship and be secure in your love and comittment to each other. as hard as it seems, I really do think you need to spell it out how unreasonable this is and what you are prepared to do if he does not start listening to you. Missing the wedding FFS! That is so out of order. Either you're his partner. Or you're a secret lover that nobody can know about. Unless you can have the partner option, with everything that entails, I think you will continue to be miserable and end up splitting up anyway.

You could enhance the boys life and bring them extra joy. I'm sure they'd also love to have your ds as part of their lives.

Sorry for you as I can see this must be an awful situation to be in.

catsmother · 31/05/2007 11:35

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what DP is trying to protect his boys from ? Is he implying that you are some sort of monster ?

After 18 months, he should have a reasonable idea whether or not he believes your relationship together has a future. Maybe this is the pertinent question here, because, (and I don't mean to upset you) I can obviously understand why someone wouldn't introduce someone new to their kids if they felt they wouldn't be around for long.

My partner has children too, as do I. He met my son quite soon but as parent with care, it was rather more difficult to avoid, practically. I met his kids after about 4 months. They certainly didn't seem upset at this.

In some ways, I feel he's doing his kids no favours even if he thinks he is. They obviously know their parents are split up, and have even met their mother's new partner - so they're already aware that people do move on. So what is he hoping to achieve by hiding you ? Has he explained exactly what it is he's scared might happen were you to meet ? ....... but for the fact their mum has a boyfriend, I'd worry that by concealing his partner, he could be giving them false hope regarding their parents getting back together at some stage. Were the boys to fixate on this possibility, chances are that the longer meeting you is left, the more upset they are likely to be when they discover dad has a girlfriend, and possibly, that may cause them to feel resentful of you.

It's far better for separated parents to be honest with their kids and show them that it's perfectly natural to move on and find new happiness.

As others have said - and I do appreciate how awful you must feel, and how worried you are about the outcome - it's really time for an ultimatum. The alternative is letting things carry on as they have been, without any end in sight (it's not even as if he has promised to involve you by a particular date) and that's incredibly unfair on you. Leaving aside what his boys may or may not feel for a moment, you are being denied access to a huge part of his life, which simply isn't natural after you've been together for so long. I really do wonder how he sees your future. Dare I say that he may be using the boys as an excuse not to get too serious with you ?

ggglimpopo · 31/05/2007 11:45

Why don't you go with him to relate or something and explain all this in front of him to a third party and get him to talk through it with you and someone else - as opposed to just him stating what he is doing and you having no choice but to go along with it?

How much worse are his kids going to feel to find out that he has been seeing you for years (nearly!) and hiding it from them?

mylittlestar · 31/05/2007 11:52

agree with catsmother, that was a really good post

wannaBe · 31/05/2007 12:11

Tbh to me it sounds as if this is about far more than just him wanting to protect his boys. The talk of him ?wanting to stay together for the kids/going belistic when found out ex had a boyfriend and he had met the eldest son?, would set alarm bells ringing that your dp still has some unresolved feelings for his ex, and that his not wanting to introduce you to his sons, and not wanting his ex to introduce any new partner to his sons, is more about his not wanting to let go of that relationship. Even though it is over, he can still keep a part of it alive while he has not admitted to his children that it is over and that he?s moved on and has found someone else. And if she hates him, it?s easy for him to say that the feeling is mutual, he?s not going to admit to you that he?s still in love with his ex and has never got over the break up of the relationship.

Reality is that the longer he leaves this, the more it will actually hurt his boys, finding out that their dad has been seeing someone for years and not told them about it will hurt more than if they thought you?d just got together, or would you be expected to pretend you hadn?t been together that long?

To me this isn?t about making him choose, it?s about claiming your equal place in a relationship, and you are not currently an equal part of that relationship. You are not his partner, you are the woman he comes to see when he has nothing better to do. Sorry to put it so bluntly but that?s how it looks to me, and the fact you said he would just let you go without a fight says a lot about how he actually feels about you IMO.

Original poster
juicychops · 31/05/2007 13:42

Hi thanks everyone for your messages

i agree it isn't healthy for him to carry this guilt around with him for as long as he has done and probably for a lot longer

He definately has no feelings towards his ex other thank hate. They were split up over a year before me and him got together. she has treated him terribly the last year concerning the boys and it has been an awful time for him and she is bleeding him dry of every penny he has.

i guess i do really have to concider the fact that things may never change and think about what i will do if they dont.

How can you prepare yourself for leaving someone you are so in love with? and know there are reasons

OP posts:
Original poster
juicychops · 31/05/2007 13:48

that was meant to be i know there are reasons

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 31/05/2007 15:02

why don't you go with ggglimpopo's idea

if he loves you and values your relationship hopefully he'll consider it... would be good to get it all out in the open with a 3rd party as he obviously isn't listening to you...

Original poster
juicychops · 31/05/2007 15:05

i dont know how i would feel about that to be honest. I know he would not like it as he hates talking about any of his problems, but i dont know if it would benefit me really

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 31/05/2007 15:06

surely if you're actually considering leaving the man you love over this then anything is worth a try...

I know it could feel uncomfortable. But you are getting low on options if he really is refusing to listen

{{{hugs}}}

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