dp's situation is making me feel so crap right now

[juicychops]

Just need to get it out to try and make myself feel better
Ive posted on here a few times before and had great advice. I go away feeling much better, try and talk to dp about it but nothing changes!

To cut a long story short...

Dp has 3 boys between 8 and 13. we have been together nearly 1 1/2 years and still i haven't met his boys and they dont know he has a g'friend. Ive tried talking to him about it so many times, the last time being last night, but he just says nothing will change until he feels his boys are ready to know, and he doesn't feel they are yet so il just have to wait.

He went to france last fri so i didn't see him or hardly hear from him from fri to tues when he came back. He came round tues night, but fell asleep after about half hour and then left wed morning. Because of the half term im not seeing him again until sunday night.

Im getting so so sick of all this waiting around just to see him and spend any time with him. Our relationship is 100% run by him and im so fed up of it. I never see him when he has days or holidays from work as he spends it all with his boys and because they dont know about me i cant even share their time.
last night we talked about it briefly but he just said there is nothing more for him to say that he hasn't said already... take him or leave him!

The last advice you guys gave me was try talking to his mum about it all as i get on ok with her. I have done this now, and she says she feels its about time it happens now, but he wont because he doesn't want to upset them.

What upsets me a lot is i cant even go to dp's sisters wedding in Aug because of all this as his boys will be there.

I dont want to leave him. He is just doing what he thinks is best for his boys and i cant fault him for that. But he isn't thinking about me. He says he knows how hard for me it is, but he couldn't possibly know.

i am really starting to doubt weather i have a future with dp. Its an awful thought to have but i have no idea what he actually wants anymore for our future.

feel so rubbish was crying all night and couldn't sleep

juicychops I think your b/f is using his boys as an excuse, to be with someone for 18 months and his children not even know he has a girlfriend speaks volumes, his boys arent babies who are going to get clingy on him if they find out he has a girlfriend, seems like it an excuse for him to come and go as he pleases

Your bf is blatantly trying to appear to his sons as the 'hero' father; the one who makes sacrifices for his children, the one who is pure, oblivious to romance, driven by only one need, the need to be an irreproachable dad.

What a burden for those boys, when in actual fact he's been seeing you 'behind their back' for 18 months.

His behaviour is not reprehensible ... it's actually quite understandable, but at some point he needs a reality check. His children will not thank him in the long run if they realize that he's been lying to them (or at the very least been guilty of the sin of omission).

It's not an easy situation to be in, but the outcome is never as bad as it seems. You must try to find the right words that will convince him that you need to be 'outed.'

Please don't cry any more .

i am now beginning to think this too as a few others have suggested the same.

Maybe he does have a problem with the whole commitment thing and doesn't want me to meet his boys as he doesn't think we will last.

But he has even said he could see us getting married one day. Is this just cos he thinks i want to hear it?

I feel so confused now. Everything i have wanted for so long our happy perfect life together and all the plans for us that i had in my head, ive been waiting so long for him to kick start something into action but now im not going to get any of these things

Thanks Desiderata, but cant help it Feel like i just wanna get ds and disappear.

i dont want to be hurt all over again and i dont want the last 18 months to be wasted all for nothing. I have been hurt so much by ds dad that i couldn't take it again. I thought dp was the perfect man who was going to cancel out all the pain ive had and make me so happy. But he is just contributing to even more pain. And i cant even talk to him about it or make him understand. Feel so alone

Juicey - it definitely sounds like if you let things drift the situation will continue indefinitely. I agree that you should explain to him that you are reading his reluctance to introduce you to his children as a sign that he doesn't see you as a permanent fixture in his life. If he says that this is correct, you are better off knowing now and moving on asap; if he says he does see you as a permanent fixture, then I would ask when he is intending to introduce you to his children and get a definite time-frame, say, within the next month of two so he can't prevaricate.

whenever i ask him when he will tell them he just says when they are ready and not before. But i think it is more a case of he isn't ready, but he will continue to use the excuse 'They' arnt ready.

Im gunna just ask him the next time i speak to him what does he actually see our future as being. Not including his boys, but just me and him, as tigerschick suggested. i guess il have to just go from there depending on what he says. I cant carry on like this much longer. Ive had such a splitting headache all day from crying so much and not sleeping last night

i cant look after ds properly when im like this

Hi, juicy. Just wondered if you were feeling a little better yet?

Can anyone help you with your ds? Can anyone here help you?

Hi Desiderata feel a little better now thanks

spoke to dp a bit but that hasn't really made me feel much better other than ive told him how i feel... again

He just says the situation is the same as everits just wait and see but he cant be any more than that at the moment as its just not possible. He says he's as far into the relationship as he can be right now and he cant do any more just now. And for him its about taking each day as it comes and it has been like that for a while.

ive now told him ive been very patient and all this is not fair on me. i cant live like this and it just looks like he doesn't know if we have a future together

feel crap

I'm really sorry, I know you must feel crap, but speaking very bluntly, you have the choice of continuing to feel crap for goodness knows how long - aleviated every so often by the few nice times he deigns to throw your way, always at his convenience - or, of finishing things now, feeling crap for a while and then gradually coming to terms, feeling better, and then ultimately, being available for another man who is free to be truly yours.

I'm still inclined to think his children are being used as an excuse here to keep you at arms length. After 18 months it's not unreasonable to start thinking about the future, but it seems he can't give you any reassurance about that.

tbh I think the talk of marriage in the future is some kind of dream to him. There's no way he will marry you if his sons don't even know you exist, unless he's planning to marry you in secret.

This relationship is all on his terms. you are not an equal part of it. If he won't listen, then I would write him a letter, along the lines of:

"we've been together for so long now, that i'd hoped we would have got to a point of having some idea of where our relationship is going. But while you refuse to introduce me to the boys it feels to me as if I'm not actually a part of this relationship, that you see me on your terms and that I have no say in what happens between us. I understand that you want to protect the boys from the hurt they may feel when they find out that you are with someone other than their mother, but the reality is that they're not babies. They know that you and their mother are no longer together, their mother has moved on and is seeing someone that they have been introduced to, they will undoubtedly have friends at school who are part of a step family, so the idea of parents moving on to find happyness with someone else following a split will not be alien to them. The longer you keep this secret from your boys, the more it is likely to hurt them. When you introduce them to me, they will undoubtedly want to know how long we've been together, kids are curious, they want to know these things, and at that point you will have to tell them, as you cannot pretend that we've only just met as lying to them would not be fair, either on them or me.

You know that I love you, you know that I have dreamed of us having a future together, but I want to be a part of all your life, not just the bits you want me to see. While you refuse to introduce me to the boys, I feel that I am just the woman you come to when you have nowhere else to go, and that does not make me an equal part of this relationship in my eyes.

I am not looking to replace the boys' mother, I do not want to interfere in their lives in any way, I merely want to get to know them, and for us to have a proper relationship, where we can make plans for our future together, and that is not going to happen if you're not prepared to let your sons know that you are with me.

I am beginning to wonder whether your reluctance to introduce me to the boys is because you don't really want to make a commitment to me. If that is the case then please tell me now, because I do at least deserve to know where I stand with regards to that.

I cannot go on living like your bit on the side. I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who wants me to be an equal part of it, and I'm afraid that if you're not prepared to allow me to be an equal part of that, then I don't think we have a future together and maybe it would be best if we called it a day now".

and if he doesn't see how you're feeling after that then I would walk away. you deserve much better.

hi
havent read all of wannabe's post but think she may have summed it up.
personally i think he is maybe dreaming of being with you, but thats all. to go this long and not want them to meet you is more than odd. i had to practically force my gf to meet my kids, but she's a wuss anyway .
if i were you i would use the wedding as his chance of getting you and the kids together. thats if you would go of course. if he wont agree just because of the kids then forget it. dont look at the last year or so as wasted either, am sure youve had some good times.
and you know youre lovable so a bit of time out wont hurt either. whether you scare your dp into action or not.

thanks wannabe that letter sounds spot on