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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

friends sleazy husband

28 replies

whydoitnow · 28/07/2018 15:55

I really hope this does not get into the papers but I am really struggling with what to do. Long story short friends husband is well known to everyone except his wife (who is my friend). On a night out with my friend and my husband he made a very blatant sexual pass at me. The man knocks me sick and I have only tolerated him because of husband and friend. He knew my husband and I had been having a few problems lately and I think he thought that he could take advantage. I told my husband who confronted him and told him that friendship was over and we wouldn't be seeing them again.
My problem is that this will break my friend's heart and I just don't know what to say when she asks about a holiday she and I were supposed to be booking together. The thought of her husband turns my stomach,
How can I disengage from our friendship, if I stay friends with her I will see him.
I know some of you will say tell her the truth but it's not so simple and I don't have the heart for it. I just want to crawl under a rock and never come out.
She is such a nice person and doesn't deserve any of this.
What would you do
For conext we are all over fifty

OP posts:
Original poster
whydoitnow · 28/07/2018 15:58

Actual physical contact not just suggestion

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funnylittlefloozie · 28/07/2018 16:00

Why can't you jsut say to the husband that you (or your DH) will kneecap him if he tries anything with you again, and worse, you will tell his wife. He's had his opportunity, he was slapped down, he should have learned his lesson. Why should YOU have to crawl under a rock, its he who should be ashamed and awkward.

Original poster
whydoitnow · 28/07/2018 16:05

I just don't think I could sit in his company while he pretends that he is an ok guy, He seems to be popular and always has to be the centre of attention but his wife has few female friends and I think he is probably the reason why.

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fivelittleduckies · 28/07/2018 16:13

How is it possible that she can be so blind to his behaviour? I find that hard to believe..

SisterCage · 28/07/2018 16:15

I feel sorry for both you and your friend. Men like this make me sick.

Is there no way you could see her on her own, ditch the creep but keep your friend?

peekyboo · 28/07/2018 16:23

She'll be more upset when she finds out and realises you knew but said nothing.

ladamanera · 28/07/2018 16:38

for heavens sake tell her. She cant keep losing friends and not knowing which bit of her or her husbands personality is so objectionable- it will tear her apart. Let her know! Dont make it worse by patronising her as well as ghosting her.

OutingMyDog · 28/07/2018 16:40

Just Tell her and make it completely clear that you want to stay friends but you won't be seeing him or spending time with him at all.

Gemini69 · 28/07/2018 16:41

for heavens sake tell her. She cant keep losing friends and not knowing which bit of her or her husbands personality is so objectionable- it will tear her apart. Let her know! Dont make it worse by patronising her as well as ghosting her

I have to agree... otherwise the poor woman will be left wondering what she's done Flowers

Original poster
whydoitnow · 28/07/2018 16:41

Duckies and peekyboo. I suspect that she knows what he is like but chooses not to know if that makes sense
If I tell her he will put his own spin on it and she will fall for it.
I have been in the same position myself and couldn't see the wood for the trees and wouldn't listen to sense from my friends.
I just think that it is so sad, she would do anything for anyone. My husband is upset because they have been friends for years. There is always some selfish bastard with his brains in his sticky dick to ruin things
And I don't even think he fancied me, he was on an ego trip and thought he was something special.
Some men will shag a rip in a welly and they don't even care whos welly it is

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Fatted · 28/07/2018 16:42

You need to tell her. Before he makes up some story and paints you as the one who came onto him! It will ruin the friendship if you tell her probably. But then it will probably ruin the friendship if she later finds out and realises you didn't tell her. Or if he makes up some BS about you!

Fatted · 28/07/2018 16:42

You can't win basically, so just be honest!

Original poster
whydoitnow · 28/07/2018 16:45

I know you are right and I should tell her. We live quite a distance away so it's not like we see each other very often. I have it in my mind that if she asks me what is wrong I will tell her and get it out there. I know if I tell her she will hate me. The messenger always gets shot

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Original poster
whydoitnow · 28/07/2018 16:49

Sorry about the graphic post I am just so angry at being put in this position.
I think its time to put the big girls pants on and tell her.
Thanks all for the advise I just needed reassurance to do the right thing

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Ryder63 · 28/07/2018 16:50

Some men will shag a rip in a welly and they don't even care whos welly it is
Grin

Seriously though, you should tell her. What your friend does with the information is up to her. Good your DH stepped in. Extra 'proof' if it is needed.

LoisWilkerson1 · 28/07/2018 16:50

Tell her but be factual. This isv

LoisWilkerson1 · 28/07/2018 16:52

Stick to facts so there is no room for wiggling out of it. Then tell her she's your friend and you will always be happy to see her.

Bellabutterfly2016 · 28/07/2018 17:02

You need to tell her definately!

I know it's awkward but you need to be a good friend to your friend and tell her. My ex cheated on me friends knew and nobody said anything - it really hurt me and I've lost about 3 friends from it but I chose too ditch them because I couldn't trust them.

Original poster
whydoitnow · 28/07/2018 17:08

I am going to tell her but its not something I am looking forward to. I think it will end the friendship but you are right she deserves better.

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Bellabutterfly2016 · 28/07/2018 18:14

@whydoitnow
I know it'll be hard but she deserves to know.
Take your husband with you when you tell her so she knows you've told your husband what a vile individual he is. That will say to her it's serious enough for you to have told your partner.
Good luck, you'll feel better when you've done it 🌺

Gemini69 · 28/07/2018 18:18

yeah it's never easy telling someone something like this.... Flowers

SendintheArdwolves · 28/07/2018 18:20

I know you would be very sad to lose your friend (and I'm sure she would be even sadder to lose you), but unfortunately the friendship is already being affected. These are your options:

  1. Continue to hang out with the friend and her sleazy, groping husband. A man who sexually assaulted you (which is what 'unwanted touching' actually is). You will feel miserable and sickened by him, your husband will be rightly tense and angry with him, the friendship will suffer and you friend won't know why. Result = friendship over.

  2. Stop hanging out with them and make vague excuses as to why you don't want to see them any more. Your friend will feel hurt and baffled and wonder what she has done wrong. Result = friendship over.

  3. Tell your friend the truth and she doesn't believe you. She may very well be hurt, blame you, call you a liar, etc. Result = friendship over

  4. Tell your friend the truth and she does believe you. She will still be hurt, but for all you know, she may have been going crazy for years suspecting her husband of being a cheat, wondering why female friends have suddenly cut her out (and have suspicions that he husband did something, but not having any "proof"). She may choose to stay with him and "work it out" (ie: pretend it didn't happen) but she may still be willing to see you without her husband being there. Result = friendship saved!

So your best option is 4.

inshockrightnow · 28/07/2018 18:26

I'd tell her, especially as you think she knows what he is like . And in all seriousness, of course she knows!! Dont be hiding his dirty secret. The fact you told your husband is an indicator something DID happen

pisces7268 · 28/07/2018 18:31

Another one saying tell her. You think you're going to lose her as a friend anyway as you're pulling back from the friendship at least you can feel you did the right thing by her. Surely she would believe you though as you wouldn't have any other reason for stopping seeing them?

Original poster
whydoitnow · 28/07/2018 22:42

So having taken advise I have told friend, she asked me exactly what happened and I told her honestly. I feel like shit but know in my heart I have done the right thing. To make matters worse she thanked me for telling her. I have had too much bacardi and am on my way to bed. I know I have done the right thing but am fucking fed up.
Thanks for the advise xx

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