I want sex, he doesn't.

[TheKittenThatWantsToRoar]

Hi all, I'm really struggling with my relationship. We've been having problems and they are often about me feeling abandoned and/or diminished/controlled... and maybe I'll get into that in future, but for the moment it seems like hubby is trying to work on some of those things.

Right now though, I am really at a loss what to think/do, as our sex life is almost non-existent and it's not like we haven't spoken about this fact.

Now, my husband has never had as high a sex drive as me, but when it happened it was good (if a bit vanilla it was loving and he hand good fingers iykwim)...

But over the last few years it's got very infrequent and he's admitted it's largely because he's just not interested in it.

However, I am. And once every 6-12 months isn't enough. To top that off, he basically just "seduced" me (by which I mean indicates he was up for it), and when I responded it was a case of a one-sided quickie. No read foreplay, no after play, he just got his orgasm and then went to sleep and promptly started snoring.

I feel kind of used. Like he barely really wants me anymore, he just wants to get "relief". I know he has a wank in the shower sometimes because it's quick and easy. He wanks more often then he has sex with me.

This is all so wrong and I'm getting bored, turned off of him, and I'm looking elsewhere and having sexual dreams about other people (I'm bi and I've had both men and women make it evident they fancy me and it's deeply frustrating to say no).

I would NEVER cheat, it's just not something I will do or have ever done, and so I've basically told him that if he is now mostly celibate that forces me to be also, which is almost getting painful for me (although I haven't said my mind is wandering) so I suggested I might get a battery operated "friend" to satisfy the physical urges at least and he was JEALOUS! Not that that's necessarily going to stop me, but it makes it feel "dirty" somehow (and not in a good way).

I really don't feel it's fair that he's doing this. I'm staying faithful but I'm so frustrated it's unreal.

I do love him, and I still sometimes look at him and he does this thing with his eyesight that makes me want to jump him. But then other times he just puts me off with his isolating attitude. This whole thing feels very distant. Not just sexually.

It doesn't feel like a legitimate reason to end a marriage when we have kids and there is still love there, but it's damaging my feelings about him.

As I say, we've talked and he acknowledges it's a problem, but then nothing changes.

I really don't know how to feel... I feel this isn't a problem that's as important as it feels. Like maybe I'm making more out of it than is fair. Does that make sense?

You cannot live your life unfulfilled. Go figure

I'm not sure that you should see this as something separate from the control/emotional abuse issue you mention. It sounds to me like part of the same thing. That he uses it against you and to keep you down.

Sex is important.

You say "We've been having problems and they are often about me feeling abandoned and/or diminished/controlled..." and with sex, you suggest a reasonable compromise of vibrator and he makes you feel guilty/dirty.

It's part of the same set of behaviours in him.

You have only given us half the story...it's hard to comment with only half the info

Eh, ops can only give their side of the story. Do you say that on every thread slimming?

It sounds miserable op. I’d leave.

This is not fair. Buy a dildo and club him over the head with it 🍆

So he's massively selfish in bed and uses your as a deposit bin, he doesn't put out often and won't let you have a machine to keep you satisfied?

Seriously?

It doesn't feel like a legitimate reason to end a marriage when we have kids and there is still love there, but it's damaging my feelings about

This is why it's legitimate and tbh now you've told your feelings on here you won't be able to ignore it now. It's going to suffocate your soul eventually.

And yes get your toy. There's some bloody good ones out there you're missing out on.

*NB: excuse the slight name change. I had a moment of regret and deleted my account, but then I realised if I was awake in the middle of the night and posting about it, it was more important than I'm giving myself credit for.

Thanks all for your comments...

Bee - you made me laugh!

It looked like slimming was adding to what category said - which was a good point...

Same with gamerchick's comments..,

Ironically the user name I picked alludes to a wider issue of feeling unconfident, not just feeling unfulfilled sexually.

It's intimacy, and respect, that I want.

I think I was trying to avoid talking about the wider issues.

If I'm honest, I've thought he seems kind of like a gaslighter. But after 15 years together I think I know him well enough to say that I believe he isn't meaning to be that way. It's just part of him being an obsessive kind of person.

He talks about work ALL the time (he was doing it just now and I politely reminded him that I'd been planning a lie-in today as I don't feel well, so sitting in bed talking about every tiny detail of work and finances isn't very relaxing.

I guess I am having trouble knowing where "the line" is. He doesn't call me names or scream at me, he doesn't tell me outright not to see certain friends or go places, but he subtly puts doubts into things he says.

About me learning to drive: "I'm worried you might crash on the motorway"

About me going out with a friend: "that's not a safe area, you might get raped".

About me buying a bike: "it'll be too hard with your pain condition"

About me getting a job: "I need you to look after the kids while I'm away at work and you'll find it too hard"

About getting a tattoo: "they're unsightly".

Now, I've got a job, and a bike, and they ARE hard, but everything is either a great idea because he "always thought so" or not, because "I told you so".

He's being more supportive now, but there's so much else. And it's all nuanced.

The sex is a big big thing to me. Always has been. And it is symptomatic of a larger situation.

He can be emotionally absent, bossy, and I've lost my confidence.

But I'm always trying to be "fair" in my head, about things, so I remind myself I'm not perfect (terrible money problems and previous emotional instability, plus I've put on a lot of weight), and I don't THINK he means to be a dickhead. He just is.

And yes, my children have noticed. They think he's a bit misogynistic and hypocritical (like judging me about my food habits and yet drinking plenty and also being a bit overweight), and they notice when he gives me the silent treatment too.

But then he (especially recently) is trying to be a bit more family and romance oriented. And to be fair we've had MASSIVE stresses in our lives.

I guess the problem is, I'm trying to be logical about everything, but it's my feelings that are an issue.

I just don't know how long I can afford to give time for this to get better before I stop loving him. Or myself.

I'm so much less confident than I used to be, and I'm trying to push back now, but it's not easy to change the status quo.

And the sexual frustration is getting to be a bigger issue because being who I am means acknowledging that sex is a much more important isdsue to me than it seems it will ever be to him. And then either I accept the inequality. Or I don't.

And if I don't, leaving will be so hugely disruptive I don't know if I have the strength.

I guess I'm admitting to settling. But I'm not happy doing it.

Fuck.

I am asking myself why I shared this... and I guess it's that I don't honestly know if I'm giving him too much "leeway".

I'm trying to be fair, but I don't feel happy, and I just don't know where the line is before I am "justified" to say I'm giving up on the relationship.

I really do love him, but am I happy? No. It's like I love him like a family member now. But my sex dreams used to be about him, no matter who was flirting with me. My heart was completely for him. And as much as I fully intend on being faithful in any relationship in my life, it's no longer about being head over heels for him, but more about "doing what's right".

And I sometimes wish he would do something outrageous to give a stronger case for me to step away.

It's not nice to observe myself thinking this way. I don't want things to go wrong. But they are already.

And I just don't know where my personal "deal breaker" line is, or where it should be.

I think sex once/twice a year would be regarded as a sexless marriage.
Not that that’s important- but to let you know that it’s understandable that this situation is ...horrible for you.

If you have the wherewithal and the energy, I would leave.
He doesn’t care about you. Maybe he isn’t capable of caring about you-but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.
Wishing you happiness.

I think he has issues about sex that I have absorbed somehow. That it's embarrassing or dirty or something- and I'm so suggestible that I just keep thinking I'm being "shallow" for thinking sex is so important. Same with the other stuff. I'm thinking my feelings aren't "big" enough somehow. And it's really hard, because no amount of diminishing them is making them go away. I just want to be fair. But I don't know what fair is.

You know what is going on isn’t fair/isn’t right/isn’t kind/isn’t loving/isn’t ‘normal’

A man ‘in love’ would get help.

The questions are -can you tolerate it? Is the long term alternative better or worse?

Could you afford counselling? It might help to talk things through...

Could he be getting sex elsewhere? OW? Sex workers? My dh was like yours cold distant wanking in the shower etc. Had a sex worker habit. Can you check phone call log and ATM transactions?

You never know.

You are right that things are wrong already. It is also concerning that your DC have noticed your H's behaviour - so you need to stand up to it. It's great that you went ahead and got a job and bike.

It's so hard to talk to someone who won't give you answers. Your sex life will not improve if he is not prepared to work on it. He does not cherish you - does he resent you in some way or feel he has been harnassed (no matter how irrational that might be). I have heard this a lot about men in ltr's. Has he become the (head) master? and you are the housekeeper? You are not happy. He is not cherishing you.

Perhaps have a look at Should I stay or should I go by Lundy Bancroft which I found helpful in setting boundaries. A lot of posters on MN recommend Too good to leave too bad to stay. I would also start listings your assets and playing with you gov or turn2us calculators for benefits to see what situation you would be in if you decide to leave - having the information is really useful and empowering - helps you to take back some control.

It seems to me like sex is just one of the issues in your marriage and that you're unhappy about a whole load of things. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

I think you're caught up in whether he intends to bring you down, etc, but what matters is the effect it has on you. And your dc. Life isn't a dress rehearsal, this is it.

Kikashi- I must admit I've already checked out how I would afford to live without him. Not a good sign about where my head is at.

Category- you are on the money in terms of me being too focused on whether he "means" it. The fact is, it's happening.

Helmet - I've talked to him about counselling but he is paranoid that counsellors aren't going to keep his secrets. 🤔

Feckers- I highly doubt he gets any sex anywhere else. It's more like he thinks sex is not a good thing in general. Just an itch that occasionally needs a good scratch, but making love as opposed to having a wank is more of an emotional investment.

He has shared with me something that happened when he was younger that may have affected his views on sex, but won't really work on it.

He apologises from time to time about the lack of intimacy so he knows it's an issue. It's just that he tends to talk about improving things but not do so much as he says he will.

Kikashi- I'll check out that book.

I meant counselling for you - I didn’t think he would be arsed. He’s probably v happy with the status quo...

Yes I was doing some counselling a while ago and then a tonne of shit things happened and I couldn't afford it anymore. I am trying to improve finances though, I want to go back.

I think you're caught up in whether he intends to bring you down, etc, but what matters is the effect it has on you. And your dc. Life isn't a dress rehearsal, this is it.

Category- this comment has really hit like a tonne of bricks. I keep hearing that last sentence in my head.

I don't know the answer yet, but it has taken the gravity of my feelings to a deeper level. I have been squashing my own desires for a long time. Not just sexual desires, but everything. Money, career, the way I dress, how I live, everything.

I suppose this sex issue is a metaphor for the wider issues at hand.

Sounds like your partner is actually quite controlling - these things sneak up on you over time and you realise just how isolated and comliant you have become. The with holding of affection and sex can also be a form of control. You have realised what's going on now and can take steps to sort things out in the longer term.

The infrequent sex is just another thing that you’re not quite prepared to admit is part of a bigger pattern. His issues regarding sex also run deeper that not wanting it as frequently as you, hence the objection to your use of a vibrator and using you as a convenient wank receptacle.

It’s time you sat down and had a proper conversation with concrete goals and responsibilities. No more being fobbed off and excuses. If your eyes are wandering now then it is a big deal for you and the likelihood of it staying with just looking, is very slim if this continues.

It takes two participants to have a limited sex marriage, one who wants infrequent sex and the other who accepts it. Your choices are negotiable a better deal or accept that the feeling of discontent and sexual frustration are as good as it’s going to get.