I want sex, he doesn't.

[TheKittenThatWantsToRoar]

Hi all, I'm really struggling with my relationship. We've been having problems and they are often about me feeling abandoned and/or diminished/controlled... and maybe I'll get into that in future, but for the moment it seems like hubby is trying to work on some of those things.

Right now though, I am really at a loss what to think/do, as our sex life is almost non-existent and it's not like we haven't spoken about this fact.

Now, my husband has never had as high a sex drive as me, but when it happened it was good (if a bit vanilla it was loving and he hand good fingers iykwim)...

But over the last few years it's got very infrequent and he's admitted it's largely because he's just not interested in it.

However, I am. And once every 6-12 months isn't enough. To top that off, he basically just "seduced" me (by which I mean indicates he was up for it), and when I responded it was a case of a one-sided quickie. No read foreplay, no after play, he just got his orgasm and then went to sleep and promptly started snoring.

I feel kind of used. Like he barely really wants me anymore, he just wants to get "relief". I know he has a wank in the shower sometimes because it's quick and easy. He wanks more often then he has sex with me.

This is all so wrong and I'm getting bored, turned off of him, and I'm looking elsewhere and having sexual dreams about other people (I'm bi and I've had both men and women make it evident they fancy me and it's deeply frustrating to say no).

I would NEVER cheat, it's just not something I will do or have ever done, and so I've basically told him that if he is now mostly celibate that forces me to be also, which is almost getting painful for me (although I haven't said my mind is wandering) so I suggested I might get a battery operated "friend" to satisfy the physical urges at least and he was JEALOUS! Not that that's necessarily going to stop me, but it makes it feel "dirty" somehow (and not in a good way).

I really don't feel it's fair that he's doing this. I'm staying faithful but I'm so frustrated it's unreal.

I do love him, and I still sometimes look at him and he does this thing with his eyesight that makes me want to jump him. But then other times he just puts me off with his isolating attitude. This whole thing feels very distant. Not just sexually.

It doesn't feel like a legitimate reason to end a marriage when we have kids and there is still love there, but it's damaging my feelings about him.

As I say, we've talked and he acknowledges it's a problem, but then nothing changes.

I really don't know how to feel... I feel this isn't a problem that's as important as it feels. Like maybe I'm making more out of it than is fair. Does that make sense?

You've had some good advice/ perspectives here. I have very little to add but find myself in a very similar situation. I have told my husband it's over. He has not accepted this yet so I'm not exactly through to the other side.

We have other issues that are big but the sex one is similar to yours. Added to this, he hates holding hands and kissing with tongues. He is gentle and affectionate in other ways, hugs, pecks on the cheek etc. But nice as all that is, it's so chaste. I am so sex-starved and still fancy him so much that I probably place more value on those chaste kisses than they deserve. He likes to hold me, sit beside me. But no passionate stuff. Being frank, I would get as much "action" from a priest. Or my sister. Or a friend.

Like your DH mine makes me feel that I am silly/dirty/depraved for wanting more. I gave up asking. He wouldn't engage in the discussion. That's part of a pattern. No authentic discussion or willingness to change.

I wonder if there is something in my husband's past - abuse. Or if he is secretly gay. Or asexual. I guess he masturbates and he admitted as much when I asked him directly (that's fine obviously) but again, the discussion was shut down. I do feel rejected and ugly and unfanciable at a relatively young age.

Aside from me wondering if there is something behind all the lack of sex, I agree with pps who say this IS likely part of a bigger picture - does your husband WANT to make you happy, really? I can only conclude that mine doesn't. Not deep down. He must prefer to have me dangling and begging for scraps. He says he wants to make me the happiest woman in the world and yet his pride and stubbornness must prevent him.

I am not saying he should do whatever I say, but time and time again he has not taken up the opportunity to make me feel valued and cherished and secure.

But he NEVER thought I'd pull the plug. He banked on me finding that too hard, scary, embarrassing, traumatic, especially since we have children. He never thought I'd confide in anyone. His sex hang ups became MY secret and not just his. I still can't face telling ANYONE, not even now it's all over, not even my best friend, that we only had sex once or twice a year. Because it's taboo. It reflects badly on me.

Sending you strength. I might never have sex again. But it'll be less lonely than living with a good- looking, healthy, strong, young man who doesn't want me in that way.

I had a similar issue with my ex (the father of my children) after several years of feeling inadequate and unfanciable I left. I'm so glad i did. I'm still surprised when a man fancies me and so happy to be able to have sex again.

Yes. I was genuinely surprised and shocked when a VERY attractive (I mean delish) man made a come on to me the other day (albeit a crass one - was driving a delivery truck and hung his head out the window the turned around and stopped to talk to me), as I have become convinced I'm not at all attractive or sexy.

Of course I politely declined, but not before I told him he'd made me feel very good about myself. Maybe I shouldn't have said that but I was genuinely shocked anyone might be looking at me that way.

It gets you down doesn't it?

So much to think about from the advice that I've received (thank you all - you have helped in ways I didn't imagine), but it's at the least good to have my feelings validated. Self doubt is a side effect AND a cause of all this.

I'll be getting that book when I can get my kindle to register.