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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Overheard a phone conversation

34 replies

youarenot · 27/07/2018 22:19

Overheard a phone conversation between DP & his mother.
Earlier in the week he'd sent an email and right at the end he'd put ''Youarenot & I are also experiencing difficulties'' or words to that effort - in other words 'issues'.

Whilst on the phone tonight (couldn't fully hear his mother) I heard her mention my name and he said 'I don't know' 'No I don't know, move out' whatever she said he responded with 'these things happen'

I feel like he's laying the ground work for me to be the 'baddie' despite the fact that we are having 'issues' is due to his issues. I feel he's told her that so she feels awkward about calling (or atleast calling me) and therefore less likely for it to come up in conversation regarding any issues that may be happening.

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 27/07/2018 22:31

are you having issues.. why is he discussing them with his Mother and not you OP.. are you to assume he does not want to repair this

Lacymacy123 · 27/07/2018 22:35

I do not see a problem here. He is discussing personal matters with his mother not with tom, dick and harry.

Original poster

youarenot · 27/07/2018 22:37

Personal matters that he did not discuss with me first!

We are having issues, that originate from issues he has (gambling, too much drinking, being irresponsbile with money and selfish in regards to putting himself first) but I was not aware we were at the point of discussing these matters with parents, especially not to the point of 'move out'

OP posts:

Dissimilitude · 27/07/2018 22:37

People get to present issues however they like to their family. I’m sure you’ll give your take on things to those who are loyal to you. How would you feel if he objected to you talking to your own mother?

Dissimilitude · 27/07/2018 22:38

If that’s the case then I understand why you’re annoyed.

Original poster

youarenot · 27/07/2018 22:40

My mother died 7 years ago and I would never discuss moving out to anyone if I hadn't discussed with him first. I assumed I was supporting him through his issues but it feels like I'm being fed a carrot, whilst he uses these 'issues we are experiencing' to cause awkwardness that ensures his parents & i don't speak, therefore the issues that have made things difficult can not be mentioned to them.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 27/07/2018 22:42

From what you say about the issues, it sounds as though it would be your lucky break if he moved out.

Original poster

youarenot · 27/07/2018 22:44

Unfortunately you are probably right. I'm just upset that I was hoping this could be repaired when infact he seems to be thinking otherwise.
I've come here to rant more than anything and hoping seeing it typed will help me clarify a few things - especially as I would never discuss this with anyone else IRL without discussing it with him and he's refusing to talk at the moment

OP posts:

Limpingonthrough · 27/07/2018 22:54

Ex- P and I shared a iCloud thing which meant that we could see each other’s emails if sent from a specific account. Mostly they were work emails and i’d see them pop up as they sent and never took any notice. Neither of us had ever bothered looking and I think he had forgotten.

Anyway, I was unhappy in our relationship because I wanted to have DC and he had been stringing me along for years saying he didn’t know. We had talked about things over a long period of time and I had suggested that if he was not on the same page as me then we should just call it a day with no hard feelings. He always resisted this and accused me of not being willing to do the relationship work that would mean i was the kind of person he’d want to settle down with

Anyway one day while things were still hanging in the air I saw an email flash up in the bottom right of my screen which included my name. It was an email to his parents. I opened it. It said something along the lines of:

“I have given up on limpingomthrough she remains immature and uncompromising and will never agree to have children or settle down. We’re going to break up but I am okay with it so don’t worry about me. Got over it ages ago.”

Basically blaming me for the things he couldn’t do. Telling them about a break up after we hadn’t agreed what to do and he’d insisted it HAD to be a mutual decision and he had already cried and begged me to stay the night before, and I had agreed that yes I would and we would try to make it a mutual decision.

And I realised there and then, that no matter what the truth, people will always tell their family whatever the F they want about why a relationship is ending and as unfair as it is, it’s something you can never, ever control or change.

LizB62A · 27/07/2018 23:09

@Limpingonthrough - that's awful - did you tell his parents the truth?

@youarenot - I think you probably know what needs to happen here - follow your instincts and good luck

LanaorAna2 · 27/07/2018 23:27

He's prepping his mum to move back in with her. More cash in his pocket to drink and gamble, plus he gets to milk being the victim of cruel you.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 27/07/2018 23:29

I've never understood why adults would discuss their relationship with their parents unless there was something really serious going on - DV, MH, drug/alcohol problems, etc.

I'd tell your DP that you accidentally overheard the conversation and ask him why he's talking to his Mum about your relationship. You both need to decide how to resolve/not resolve any issues and all he's probably doing is worrying the poor woman.

DH and I have never discussed our relationship with any family members We've definitely had our share of rocky times and come close to separating. Our parents have never had a clue (I hope)!

Mrsmadevans · 27/07/2018 23:30

Did he want you to hear his side of the convo OP, so that like the 'little woman' you would be really upset and beg him not to go , let the arsewipe leave..... what a waste of space. You so deserve better....

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/07/2018 23:36

Look,people check out emotional issues with friends/family sometimes before their partner
It’s fair enough to do so.plenty mn women talk to their mums about personal issues
It’s clear something is going on,and I hope you get some clarity from your dh

Fishface77 · 27/07/2018 23:38

Ah well, you’ve got warning, he’s done you a favour.
Get your ducks in a row.
Your the bad one anyway so protect yourself then get rid.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/07/2018 23:40

So if a woman talks to her mum about personal issues is that bad too?
Or is it only bad because it’s a Mann and the mil?

Original poster

youarenot · 27/07/2018 23:49

I have no issues him talking about personal issues. I have issues with the fact that I thought we were trying to work through them. I was trying to support him through things.

Fair enough if we were just a couple that were splitting but we have children. I thought trying to work through things was the best thing, communication is key to that. For communication to work, surely he needs to tell me things - especially if it's at the point of moving out

OP posts:

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/07/2018 23:53

Communication is great,but you can’t demand exclusivity that he only talk to you
A reasonable request is youre kept in the loop and have full information
However he can talk to his mum if he wants to
You of course can talk to your mum or friend or significant person

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 27/07/2018 23:59

Exactly. It's your relationship, you two need to talk about it before anyone else gets involved.

If he thinks moving out is the solution, he should tell you first.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/07/2018 00:09

No,you can’t put conditions on who he talks to
Same as he can’t tell her whom she can/cannot speak to
I appreciate this is a really difficult time,wondering the what ifs

KickAssAngel · 28/07/2018 00:11

He's a gambling alcoholic selfish waster who would rather see his kids go without than stop spending money on himself.

He's never going to tell his mum the truth.

So: gambling, alcoholic, spending money, selfish liar. He has no intention of standing by you/the kids or ever supporting you in any way, even by being honest with you.

I know this is harsh, but I'm just trying to reflect back what you've said about him.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 28/07/2018 00:21

Sorry, didn't mean to suggest people should never ever talk to relatives/friends about personal issues, just that relationship problems are ultimately the concern of the couple involved.

If the OP's DP is thinking of moving out, he needs to tell her.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/07/2018 00:32

I think that if you break up with someone and decide to move out it’s customary to tell them before you tell other people.

Lyinglow50 · 28/07/2018 00:41

Is your relationship with MIL such that you could ring her and say you are really worried about H's drinking, gambling and isolating himself.

Ask if there is any way she could talk to him because you are so worried.

Your H is a lying selfish asshole and you should always stay one step ahead of him. He had no reservations about talking to his mother about you without you having a clue. Box clever OP because divorce is not cheap.

DonkeyPlease · 28/07/2018 03:46

I think you're upset about the wrong thing here tbh.

You're married to a prick who gambles your money away. Please don't waste your precious emotions on what he tells his parents. It literally doesn't matter at all.

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