Overheard a phone conversation

[youarenot]

Overheard a phone conversation between DP & his mother.
Earlier in the week he'd sent an email and right at the end he'd put ''Youarenot & I are also experiencing difficulties'' or words to that effort - in other words 'issues'.

Whilst on the phone tonight (couldn't fully hear his mother) I heard her mention my name and he said 'I don't know' 'No I don't know, move out' whatever she said he responded with 'these things happen'

I feel like he's laying the ground work for me to be the 'baddie' despite the fact that we are having 'issues' is due to his issues. I feel he's told her that so she feels awkward about calling (or atleast calling me) and therefore less likely for it to come up in conversation regarding any issues that may be happening.

I imagine if he is moving home they will soon notice the alcohol and in due course maybe the gambling as well. Of course they may see it as the result rather than the issue. Having said that you will all be better off when he goes, at least you know now not to sink money in to try to fix his debts. Hopefully you will be able to build a more financially secure future for you and the dc.

Lyinglow50 has posted what I was thinking

You ring his mother for “help” as you’re so worried about dhs drinking and gambling as it is having such a bad effect on the grandchildren

Fill her in with the entire picture

Then she may very well change her tune with him

I’d go and see his Mum. Say you hadn’t confided in her previously as you felt you could work through the issues with your DP, but now that he has opened up to her about his gambling, drinking and money issues you feel it can only help for it to all be out in the open, that you are worried about the impact of all of this on the children....

She deserves to know the truth and he deserves to be landed in the shit.

Thank you for all the replies.
I don't really have a relationship with his mother. She's called a few times whilst he's been out in the last couple of years but usually phones when he's here & then speaks to me. The last couple of times she hasn't nor has it sounded like she's asked how I am (not that I've heard much of the conversations so couldn't be sure).

We live quite some distance away so unless she's provided any of this information it's not something she would discover of her own accord. I know she is aware of his debts (or as they should a year ago) but they aren't close. In 8 years we've seen them maybe 7 times at the most - so not even quite once a year and for the first 3 and a half years we didn't see them at all.

Anyway, I know what I need to do. For the childrens sake I need to sort this all in a way that keeps things as stable as possible, especially for my eldest who has SN's and who will really struggle - maybe not as much as his younger brother who is closer to his Daddy.

My issue has never been that he spoke to his mother about this, in fact I think being open with her 100% would benefit everyone. I'm going to suggest he does this, regardless of how things go between us because he's going to need her support more than ever.

You sound like a lovely supportive partner who deserve better.

However, I agree That you shouldn’t be concerned about what he tells his mother. You don’t have a relationship with her now and you won’t in the future if / when you separate.

It’s good that you overheard this as it’s given you the heads up on what he really thinks. He’s just waiting until it’s the right time to leave, he’s not “ working on “ anything.

So You need to work out what’s best for you and your children. Do you need legal advice about your rights? If he’s a heavy drinker, is he safe to have the children ? what about child support ? What’s you housing situation?

You need to stop using your energy on supporting him through his
Issues and protect your children’s future.

Sorry. From what you’ve said this is very clear to anyone from the outside. But when you are with a drinker then everything in the world becomes about them.

Thank you.

It's not so much a heavy drinker as such. He previously drank every day although it wasn't a massive amount by his 'friends' standards apparently. 4 or 5 pints/cans a day. With my support we managed to cut this back to 3 times or so a week. Then just at the weekend - only it became in excess. By this I mean he'd still have maybe 4 pint cans but on top of that he'd have half a bottle of vodka or something.

This would then have a knock on for the following day as he'd have a severe hang over and I'd be left taking care of and entertaining the children myself, whilst trying to keep them quiet hoping quieter would mean quicker recovery.
The last couple of weeks he's drank nothing, which is why I thought we had turned a corner. This was after going out 2 weekends on the run and coming back in a dreadful state - I don't know how much he spent on these nights out but lets just say he was left with minimal money for the rest of the month.

Due to my eldests complex needs and having a young baby I'm the one staying home to take care of them. I'm the main care giver and there is no doubts the children will be staying with me. Contact for him can be sorted in such a way that the children won't miss out on any 'quality time' with him as such, because they don't really have that time with him at the moment anyway.

We currently rent. He pays this from his wage. It's been made known that his money is his money. Where I go from here I don't know. I could easy use my contacts to get another job but due to complex needs of my eldest and having the other children I don't know if I could afford to work with the childcare.

Oh dear! My heart sinks for you when I read this last post.

You’re right, he’s not a heavy drinker, he’s an alcoholic. And you have spent your time caring for his children and trying to manage his drinking. Which , as you know, doesn’t work. However hard you try. You didn’t cause it and you can’t cure it.

So you have two children to support, probably single handed. One has complex needs. You need advice now on what benefits you are entitled to, so that you can pay the rent alone.

I’m afraid it’s unlikely that he will pay child support for his children , but of course you must try to agree this.

I think it’s also likely that you will have 100% care of your children . Please remember that contact with the children is for THEM and not for their father. It’s about their needs, not his.

I know it’s hard to think like this because, as a PP said, when you live with an alcoholic everything is about them. He has trained you well to always think of him first ( and last ) and never talk about it with anyone, thus making sure that he has all the support and you have none.

I understand you must feel so betrayed when you hear him talking to his mum about you like that. When you feel you have done everything you can to help him. For addicts, nothing that you do for them is enough. They are bottomless pits of need.

Do you have any ( external ) support with your oldest son? Again check what you can get as a single parent. You will undoubtedly have to make a huge fuss to get anything I’m afraid.

What about your family and friends ? I’m sorry to hear that you have lost your own mum.

Have you been in touch with al-anon ? I know it might be hard to get along to a meeting but please try to do so. My sister was in your situation and al - anon saved her sanity and probably her life.

You can’t fix your partner. But you can take all that energy and resourcefulness that you have spent on him and start spending it on YOU and your children.

Thank you for your response.

He hasn't drank for 2 weeks or so now. Unfortunately this is not the end of our issues.
Upon talking to him, he said he'd told me he'd told his parents so as to 'prepare them' in the event that he was asked to leave. I think he's doing it so he can turn around and say he tried and it wasn't enough or he tried and it didn't work out..

The gambling is the main issue now. Especially as he's taken loans out without telling me, that this month will make it a lot harder than any other month - worst month to do it as so many things outside of bills to sort out. I have since discovered he has made his parents aware of this - including the fact that I have been kept in the dark about it (or so he thinks) so at least he's not trying to make it all seem like it's my doing. Although I'm sure they will be thinking 'why, why is he keeping it from her? Why does he feel he needs to?' which is my thinking too.

I don't know whether the cancel the holiday & get back what finances I can, meaning disappoint the children and very much upset/confuse my eldest. Whether to try to budget/cut back more and see if I can put in any more finances than I currently do. Whether to try to support him until after the holiday, giving the children the holiday they are very much looking forward to and then see how the land lies then.

I think regardless things are going to change, they have to. I can not live like this and I will not have my children live like this. Based on how things are, I will be a single parent by Christmas.

Please go to al -anon .

You need help to focus on your own and your children’s needs, because you seem totally consumed by him, what he wants and says, and how you can make even more savings to support his drinking and gambling.

You are right, you can’t live like this. And neither can your kids.