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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be upset?

36 replies

Fabricwitch · 27/07/2018 19:15

I don't know how I feel about this.
I had minor surgery as an outpatient today.
There were no problems, but still in a little pain and slightly nauseous. I don't need "looking after" as I can do everything for myself.
I went alone and my mum picked me up and brought me home. DH and I are living with my parents at the moment, but stay at his parents a lot of weekends. It was easier for me to come back here, but he's still going to his parents. So I haven't seen him since before the surgery and won't see him until Sunday.
It's not really a big deal, like I said I don't need any help, but I feel like it's always this way when I'm sick, he doesn't really care, but when he's sick I make him food/drinks, let him relax etc even though he could do those things himself.
He's text me asking about the procedure, dressings etc but not actually asked how I was.
I don't really know what I'm looking for apart from a bit if a rant. And to know if I'm being unreasonable to be upset!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2018 19:19

You’re not being unreasonable and I’d be very upset too.

Hope you feel bette soon Flowers

Doingreat · 27/07/2018 19:26

Selfish twat. Next time he's ill don't look after him. Go to your parents for a break.

What's the point of being in a relationship if your partner can't be there for you when you're feeling rough?

Don't respond to his messages. He doesn't really care about you sadly.

Hope you feel better op.

Doingreat · 27/07/2018 19:32

Why are you with him OP if he behaves like this every time you're sick? Can you imagine growing old with such a selfish twat? You will have to nurse him through his old age if you're able. But if you need looking after do you think he'd be there for you?

Original poster
Fabricwitch · 27/07/2018 19:34

Thanks for the replies!
I find it hard not to look after him when he's ill, I guess I just have a naturally nurturing nature...
I also feel like I can't be mad at him because I told him not to worry about it, no big deal etc. But I did also tell him yesterday that I was nervous about it, and let him know today that it was quite sore Sad

OP posts:
category12 · 27/07/2018 19:39

Well, think about this in the context of your future. Do you want dc? Do you want dc with a man who is not very supportive?

So he'd be disinterested when you were bone-tired, when you're sick, when you're heavily pregnant, when you have mastitis, or birth injury, when you're suffering PND. (All these things are not certain if you have kids, don't want to put you off@ Grin - but he's not a man I'd be expecting to step up in that situation.)

Take heed, OP. This is how he is.

Original poster
Fabricwitch · 27/07/2018 19:43

When I've been sick enough that I've needed him to help me he has.
And I'm with his because I love him. He's funny, intelligent, I love spending time with him, he makes me happy on a day to day basis.
I guess he just doesn't realise it's a big deal to me, he doesn't expect me to look after him when he's mildly sick/feeling down, I just do, and wish he would do the same.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 27/07/2018 19:44

That's a bit shit OP.

Have you asked him why he's being like this?

Hope you heal quickly and well.

AnyFucker · 27/07/2018 19:46

This is not my definition of marriage

Thingsdogetbetter · 27/07/2018 19:52

You told him not to worry and now you're annoyed he isn't? He's taken you at face value. You've told him you're nervous and a bit sore, as a hint that you wanted him to look after you. But you didn't actually say it, and are now annoyed he didn't pick up on the hint. Some people don't get hints! I certain don't. I assume people say what they mean.
Ask for what you want, don't make it a guessing game he doesn't even know he's playing, let alone losing.
If you're direct in your needs and wants when ill and he still doesn't look after you, then yes you have a right to be pissed off. But at the moment you are assuming he should react as you do, but people are different. So he's not great at jumping in automatically when you're ill and pretending to be fine. Try being honest and up front with him, and judge him on his actions then.

Knittedfairies · 27/07/2018 19:54

Stop waiting for him to realise and tell him what you want/need. The sky won’t fall in.

Original poster
Fabricwitch · 27/07/2018 20:01

Thingsdogetbetter and Knittedfairies

I feel like you are right. I normally communicate quite well but got myself in a muddle over this. It wasn't a big deal before I went but now I'm home alone and feeling sorry for myself! I have told him every other time though, and he does then "look after" me, just doesn't remember for the next time that that is always what I want and I never pass up on being spoiled when in a minor ailment!
He's still at work so I've text to see if there's any way he can come here tonight.

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 27/07/2018 20:12

I would be upset. I would expect my husband to spend the evening with me after I'd had an operation. As I would want to be with him if he'd had an op. Just tell him. He probably hasn't thought.

MyOtherProfile · 27/07/2018 20:17

Hopefully he will get the message and come over. I'd be upset.

FishingIsNotASport · 27/07/2018 21:10

If you tell somebody it's no big deal and they shouldn't worry about you, don't be disappointed when that's exactly what they do. My mil is the opposite, she blows every little thing up into a major event and has everyone fussing around her. Try to pitch yourself somewhere in the middle. By the way I'm just like you, but wish I could be more like mil.

Joysmum · 28/07/2018 00:04

I disagree with most people on here. You should say what you want and not expect him to be a mind reader.

In my marriage, my dh and I act very differently when each other are dick.

I hate it being dwelled in or being treated differently. Therefore when do was sick I’d look in on him but not look after him. That’s how I like it when I’m ill. I can say what I need and if I’m feeling awful, I don’t like it being hammed up. When I did actually say I was bad he would read that I was a bit off rather than seriously ill and would underplay what I was saying.

On the other hand, he’d try to mother me and look all doe eyed and be intensely annoying. He’d always be ‘really feeling bad’ when in reality he’d feel a bit off rather than needing hospital admission as I have when using that phrasing! That’s why he missed it when I’ve been very ill.

Over the years we’ve realised we have different needs and actually need to treat each other how we are treated but don’t like because that’s what we would like!

He’s learned that I’m practnatic and not playing games do he should duck off and give me quiet time unless I ask for him. I’ve learned he likes to be looked after and fussed over.

It took talking it through to work out what our expectations are and be better for each other Smile

funnylittlefloozie · 28/07/2018 00:55

Second the advice not to expect him to be a mind reader. TELL him what oyu want from him.

Rebecca36 · 28/07/2018 01:04

I would be upset too and feel it would be a good idea for you to tell your husband. Some people are so thoughtless.

NonaGrey · 28/07/2018 01:31

I’d be upset and in a million years my DH wouldn’t treat me that way.

But at the same time I have little time for faux martyrdom. Don’t say “it’s fine” if it’s not.

Cricrichan · 28/07/2018 01:43

Although I think it's more normal to look after a poorly loved one, as long as he does when you ask him to, then that's ok.

Shoxfordian · 28/07/2018 06:39

He sounds thoughtless but you should be more straightforward in what you want. Don't say it's fine when you actually want him to be with you..

Cleaningthefours · 28/07/2018 06:48

It would depend on the surgery really.

user1493413286 · 28/07/2018 06:53

My DH is awful when I’m ill but I found out recently that when he was a child when he was ill his mum was the same which I think is where it comes from. It’s not particularly an excuse but does help understand and I make sure i make it clear what I need from him

wisenedowl · 28/07/2018 07:21

Sorry, I'm with Joysmum on this one. Some of us have a tendency to say we're "fine" (almost) as an automatic response. Saying you're nervous the night before but then saying that you're fine sends a message of reassurance to your listener. From reading your side of it, it sounds more like a miscommunication rather than uncaring side (not saying it's not true, just that the story, as told, doesn't support this). Next time just say what you would prefer, otherwise he'll stay clueless and you'll keep thinking he doesn't care.

Original poster
Fabricwitch · 28/07/2018 09:46

Thanks for all the advice.
He wasn't able to come home last night but he is tonight, so a day earlier than planned.
I get that he's not a mind reader, but do I really have to tell him every time I'm sick that I need him there? We've been together for 10 years. Seems like a pain, but I can do that.
Also, I told him before surgery that it was fine and not to worry, but was nauseous (uncommon side effect) and in pain afterwards. I don't have a crystal ball either so didn't know I would feel so bad afterwards.
I don't really think he's uncaring, just thoughtless. It just makes me feel uncared for if that makes sense..

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/07/2018 09:47

If he's been like it for 10 years then he's unlikely to change now