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Original poster

Secret Wedding

41 replies

gluestick99 · 27/07/2018 09:41

Me and DP are getting married -but not telling anyone!

Its quite exciting doing it all in secret, we literally booked the registry office, went and gave notices just in time for the wedding 30 days later which is now fast approaching. The registry office is in a different town to where we live, so have booked a hotel for the night before and the wedding night as a mini honeymoon.

I have sorted my outfit - a 'nice' dress but it isn't a 'wedding' dress, I can then wear it again! Also ordered flowers and a buttonhole. We aim to drag witnesses off the street.

Why are we doing this? I was married before, long marriage, grown up kids. He was in a long term thing with his ex, but never actually got married. He has 2 groun up girls.

After the wedding we are going to send out invites to all friends and family inviting them to a party to celebrate with us. Obviously all kids and grandchildren will be invited, but he would also like to invite his ex, as they still get on. I have met her numerous times, she is a pleasant lady, she has been here for dinner, popped by xmas day etc, but I feel funny about inviting her?

In some ways I don't see why not, but am I rubbing her nose in it in that he will have married me, but not her? What would you do?

OP posts:
PanPanPanPing · 27/07/2018 09:54

Your arrangements sound brilliant. As an aside, have you thought of asking for Mumsnet witnesses?!

I think it would be fine to invite your DP's ex (and partner, if she has one). If my XP and his DP decided to do the same as you, I would feel honoured if they invited me (well, me and DP!)

liquidrevolution · 27/07/2018 09:57

Sounds fab.. and yes you have got to have mumsnet witnesses!

dirtybadger · 27/07/2018 10:07

Sounds great. They broke up, if they had been married she would have been divorced now....so from that angle shes probably glad in retrospect.

Have a lovely day.

Malmsey · 27/07/2018 10:17

Honestly, OP,, in the nicest possible way — depending on the circumstances of their break-up, there is every chance she’ll be thinking ‘Thank God it’s her and not me.’

Congratulations, but as someone else who got married secretly, I would rethink the ‘dragging witnesses off the street’ thing. People seem to assume that passersby will share their own excitement and be delighted to act as witnesses, but we were advised to bring witnesses as previous couples had not been able to recruit strangers on the street, and this registry office (London) had a policy of not allowing their staff to witness, as it interfered with their work.

And I now work close to a very pretty, popular town hall registry office, and have had at least three people ask me to witness their weddings over the last 18 months — I’ve refused in all cases, as I’m on my way to or from work, or on a short lunch break — and they were visibly stressed, rushing about like chuggers.

freetoagoodhome · 27/07/2018 10:26

Congratulations, but be prepared. My friends mum did this and my friend and her siblings were quite hurt. They knew ultimately it was the mum’s choice, but they were still hurt not to have witnessed and be part of her day after seeing her struggle so hard in previous relationships and bring them up alone.

At least make sure you tell the kids before you tell anyone else.

Original poster
gluestick99 · 27/07/2018 10:28

Thanks!

I see the point about the witnesses...if there is no one about we won't be able to get married. but on the other hand, if we ask 'friends' we lose the secrecy. If say we ask couple 1 if they are available, and they aren't then they will know all about it, and then we have to ask someone else, who may also not be able to come and before you know it everyone knows about it!

OP posts:
Malmsey · 27/07/2018 10:40

We asked two friends only a few days before, because we knew they were discreet and likely to be available midday on a weekday at short notice. (We needed to get married quickly and got a cancellation slot, so had little notice ourselves.) It was honestly worth it not to have to beg, busy, reluctant people to come in off the street, or risk not being able to marry at all!

On a more positive note, we’ve never had the least negative reaction from family or friends. We made it very plain that this was the only way in which we would ever have got married — big white dresses, a church and 200 guests eating chicken in a hotel was never an option for us.

NCPuffin · 27/07/2018 10:49

This sounds lovely! It's how my parents got married and what I wanted myself (ended up having guests, but only 30-40). SIL and BIL also married in secret, FIL is still not happy... It's perfect, getting married is an extremely personal thing, so in a way it makes sense to keep it private!

WRT to the ex: I think your DP is best placed to decide how she'd feel. I don't think it's necessarily awkward or inappropriate!

If you're anywhere near the Midlands I'm happy to be a witness, I have the next five weeks off and very few plans! Yup, shamelessly putting myself forward thereWinkGrin

There is a thread in classics by someone who got married in secret. She had at least one MN witness, it's a lovely read!

Original poster
gluestick99 · 27/07/2018 10:54

I am now seriously thinking about asking some friends to be witnesses. I know that neither of them work on that day of the week, just need to make sure they aren't on holiday.
The bonus would be she would be able to do my hair as she is a hairdresser and I am useless at making it look nice on my own! Was a bit worried about that!.
Hmm, will discus with DP when he gets home from work.

OP posts:
bandito · 27/07/2018 11:00

I don't really understand why you would do this secrecy thing. I thought you'd both be about 19 or something but then read the rest. Why would you not tell your children so they could share your ceremony/joy etc. Re: ex, I expect she won't care either way, she'll have moved on in the same way that your partner has. I'd be a bit put out if my parents/kids did this. But, you know, horses for courses and all that. Have a lovely day.

glitterfarts · 27/07/2018 11:02

Why don't you ask your 4 children if any of them are available for lunch that day as you have something important to discuss.

Then you know you'll have a witness and can have a celebratory meal afterwards with whichever of them is available.

mindutopia · 27/07/2018 11:48

In terms of the ex, depends how close you both are. If it makes you uncomfortable though, then just say so and invite kids only. My dh and I went to my ex’s wedding (long term relationship but not married and we had no kids) and he was invited to mine. It wasn’t weird as we genuinely are friends and I’m close with his now wife too. But very much depends on the dynamic and your history together.

As for not telling anyone, I think that’s fine if you want, but unless you’re estranged, I would consider telling and inviting your children. My mum and stepdad got married and only told me a week before. I wasn’t invited (we live in different countries so impossible to have booked time off and a long haul flight on short notice). They did invite friends as witnesses though. It was fine and exactly how they wanted it as they didn’t want any fuss. But it actually really hurt me to feel like they couldn’t have given me at least the choice to come if I’d wanted to. Your kids could be your witnesses?

kenandbarbie · 27/07/2018 12:07

Oooo it sounds lovely!

JustlikeDevon · 27/07/2018 12:14

Be prepared that some people will get the right arse about it! I did this (because pp not everyone wants to"share the joy") and my (ex) mil could not get over it.
Your plans sound fab but yes to organising witnesses!

FanSpamTastic · 27/07/2018 12:15

My mum also got married to my step-dad in secret in another country, 2 weeks before me and my brother were due to go out and visit her.

I understand why she did it - but I wish she had discussed before as it was very hurtful to find out afterwards. Their logic was that my step sister could not be there either - she too lived a distance from them although in the same country and had young children. So they felt it was unfair on her if they had us there but not her - which I completely understand - but they could still have told both of us beforehand what they were planning to do.

Mrskeats · 27/07/2018 12:18

I got married for the 2nd time with just us and my daughters.
Was so stress free. Have a lovely day.

HollowTalk · 27/07/2018 12:22

I wouldn't want to get married without my children being there and if I were them I'd find it insulting that my mum had invited a complete stranger to witness her wedding rather than ask me to do it.

FinallyHere · 27/07/2018 12:23

All the best, it sounds fab. I understand that other staff within a registry office can sometimes act as witnesses, or tbe couple before you or after you. All the very best.

freetoagoodhome · 27/07/2018 12:25

Yes, my friends mum and partner had friends as witnesses, so they knew all about it, but all the kids didn’t. That didn’t help the hurt they felt. But they’re over it now! 🤷‍♀️

RedPandaBear · 27/07/2018 12:26

My husband and I eloped to Gretna Green - 2 of the staff there were our witnesses and took photos as well.

It may be worth asking in advance if there are likely to be staff in the building who can take 10 minutes out to be witnesses for you.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/07/2018 12:26

It's a secret wedding and he wants to invite is Ex???
Not a chance.
Stick to close family. She can come to the celebration after.
I honestly would not be happy with this.
Your day sounds fab and it's the perfect way to do it.
But not with the Ex there!

BewareOfDragons · 27/07/2018 12:31

I'd get it if you didn't have children. But you do. I would invite your children to be your witnesses. And no one else if that's what you want.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 27/07/2018 12:33

So you think two strangers would be better than any of your children?

Inviting the ex will be the least of your worries compared to the likely fallout from all the close family members you are excluding.

SendintheArdwolves · 27/07/2018 12:37

To address your actual question - this ex is a friend, you guys hang out and your DH wants to invite her. So invite her.

Why do you feel it would be "rubbing her nose in it"?? (I'm sure your DH is amazing, but maybe not everyone is wishing they could marry him...) If she doesnt want to come, she can just politely turn down the invite, no?

Dowser · 27/07/2018 12:57

Please ask your children.

I had to have a civil wedding in the uk to let our proper wedding abroad go ahead.
For the one abroad I paid for my ten family members a week in a 4 star hotel, flights and spending money

For our secret wedding we asked the 4 people , we were allowed 4 witnesses only, who couldn’t come abroad to be there.

My son when he found about it was not happy.

Even though he came to the big one.

To me it was just a legal thing. We wore smart clothes. I had no flowers and we had a restaurant lunch we just decided on the spur of the moment.

Don’t get people off the street in preference to your family