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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Secret Wedding

41 replies

gluestick99 · 27/07/2018 09:41

Me and DP are getting married -but not telling anyone!

Its quite exciting doing it all in secret, we literally booked the registry office, went and gave notices just in time for the wedding 30 days later which is now fast approaching. The registry office is in a different town to where we live, so have booked a hotel for the night before and the wedding night as a mini honeymoon.

I have sorted my outfit - a 'nice' dress but it isn't a 'wedding' dress, I can then wear it again! Also ordered flowers and a buttonhole. We aim to drag witnesses off the street.

Why are we doing this? I was married before, long marriage, grown up kids. He was in a long term thing with his ex, but never actually got married. He has 2 groun up girls.

After the wedding we are going to send out invites to all friends and family inviting them to a party to celebrate with us. Obviously all kids and grandchildren will be invited, but he would also like to invite his ex, as they still get on. I have met her numerous times, she is a pleasant lady, she has been here for dinner, popped by xmas day etc, but I feel funny about inviting her?

In some ways I don't see why not, but am I rubbing her nose in it in that he will have married me, but not her? What would you do?

OP posts:

Mum4Fergus · 27/07/2018 13:08

I get married in 4 days...2 members of staff from the Registry Office are lined up for witnesses x

TheFaerieQueene · 27/07/2018 13:12

I was a witness for a mumsnet wedding years ago. It was lovely. I’m sure you could get some friendly local MNers to witness your wedding.

BackforGood · 27/07/2018 13:18

re dh's ex being invited. I share your discomfort. I think it is a bit odd, even though you get on.
I have older friends who divorced after their dc grew up, who get on, and both attend anything to do with the children or grandchildren with their new partners - all very amicable and lovely. But then one of the adult dc invited their Mum (and new husband) to their Dad's big birthday celebration. His new partner feels really awkward. she says it makes her feel like an interloper. She appreciates the fact they can all be there to support the dc and dgc's occasions, but does feel very much that personal celebrations aren't the time an place to invite the ex. I'm inclined to agree.

I too, think I would be incredibly sad if a parent got remarried without inviting me - although I appreciate that isn't what you've asked about.

Abetes · 27/07/2018 13:25

My partner was in a 10 year relationship which ended just before we started seeing each other. We went to her wedding to her next partner which was abt 2 years after the split from my partner. They were the first friends that we told when we found out I was pregnant and they would have definitely been invited to our wedding if we had decided to get married. People think it is odd that we can all be such good friends but we are and it isn’t at all awkward for us.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 27/07/2018 13:29

If you can stay friends with the exes that is so much easier for the (grown) children because they have no angst about family politics when they are organising their own weddings / family celebrations

Smurfie12 · 27/07/2018 13:29

I have a secret wedding planned, but have opted to ask our kids their opinions about our plans, they were all happy for us and understood our reasons. We have both been married before, we live together and didn't want the hassle or stress not to mention the expense of organsing a huge wedding. We have decided to take parents and children on both sides out for dinner once we get back from our honeymoon. I hope you both have a lovely day, and many congratulations.

HRTpatch · 27/07/2018 13:32

We got married with no one else there. Including adult children.Witness off the street.
It was great.
Hope you have a fab day.

Limpshade · 27/07/2018 13:49

Please don't "surprise" your (adult) children with the wedding on the day so they can be your witnesses, as one PP suggested. It doesn't sound like you are planning to anyway, but I am a child of two blended families and while I adored both my parents' new spouses, their weddings (when I was a teen) had very mixed feelings for me. I would hated to have been surprised with them.

NordicNobody · 27/07/2018 14:38

Could you pick who you'd like as witnesses then invite them out to lunch on the day of your wedding? If they say "no sorry we're busy" then no harm done, ask someone else. If they say "yes we're free" you can say "great, we actually need you to be witnesses - surprise!"

Limpshade · 27/07/2018 14:52

Oh, and congratulations!

AngelsSins · 27/07/2018 15:31

Oh I’d love to do this, no stress, no performance, no demands to meet from others, it sounds wonderful.

You should expect that some people will be upset though, especially your kids, and you can’t really blame them I guess.

cranberrymoon · 27/07/2018 15:54

Another one who had a parent who got married without inviting his children. It was very upsetting and damaged our relationship for a number of years. My stepmother has now said that she should have invited us.
I'd have loved to have been a witness rather than the friends they used. One of whom they hadn't known for more than a year or two.

Whirlytastic · 27/07/2018 16:04

My DM and step-father did this. They told us a few weeks later, one by one rather than all together. My DSis and I were deeply unimpressed, and the grandchildren were sad. We still don't know why they did it. Seemed unnecessarily attention-seeking, all the secrecy followed by the 'we've got something to tell you!' nonsense afterwards. But obviously you can do whatever pleases you!

Bluesmartiesarebest · 27/07/2018 17:15

I would invite all the children to be there when you get married. It will also solve the problem of not having witnesses. I don’t understand why you aren’t involving your kids (unless the children don’t like your DP in which case it will make things even worse).

PanPanPanPing · 27/07/2018 17:18

FFS. For those who haven't read the OP's OP properly. They're not thinking of inviting the H2B's XP to the actual wedding, they're just thinking of inviting her, along with all their other family and friends to the celebration party some weeks later!!

Penfold007 · 27/07/2018 17:34

My aunt and uncle got married in secret last year, they arranged for two of the registry office staff to be their witnesses. Told us all by sending a photo of them signing the register.
A couple of weeks later they had a party at home. It was brilliant.
gluestick99 do what you want to do, congratulations

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