Is this abusive?

[LouisDenville]

My partner & I have 2 joint bank accounts. I also have a separate account in my name only.

I have not been working for 6 months due to health reasons but have just started a new job. I'm on an emergency tax code so have only been paid £350. All my money gets paid into joint account 1.

My partner says I can 'have' £130 if my wages. This is expected to cover a £30 overdraft and feed us (2 adults, I child aged 11) for the next month.

I asked him for access to joint bank account 2 (where his wages are paid in). He had refused and got very angry.

He:
Told me to piss off
Told me to give it a rest
Jabbed a ginger in my face
Said do you think I work my backside off so you can spend it
Shouted
Said 'is it by Jove' when I reminded him bank account 2 was joint and I had a right to access it
Swore at me
Mocked and belittled me, talking in childlike voice repeating what I said and then saying 'piss off' again
Threatening divorce
Intimidating me, getting angry and aggressive and shouting at me
Emotionally blackmailing me saying he will tell my child and father about my behaviour
Shouting me down when I try to talk to him
Turning the conversation around to me and his perceived view of me (which is akin to a piece of shit)

I had a v brief affair a couple of years ago which I'm ashamed of but I confessed to partner, stopped seeing OM and thought it was behind us. The affair was due to partners unkindness and emotional coldness - I got sucked in by someone being kind to me & talking affectionately & it got out of hand - not trying to excuse, but that's how / why it happened. Partner & I promised never to discuss it again but he has and is also threatening violence against the OM I feel as a way to blackmail / intimidate me when I make what I feel is a reasonable financial request.

Partner is also refusing to tell me how much he earns.

I am due to inherit a small amount shortly and he is expecting me to pay it into joint account 1 to cover the overdraft & go towards household expenses.

Before I did that I just wanted to be informed about the true state of the family finances as I have no full picture, only what he deems fit to share with me or tell me which I'm suspicious might not be the full picture.

Sorry this has been long.

*finger not ginger - sorry

Fuck, yes, he is abusive. On many levels. Don't let him anywhere near that inheritance. And change your banking details so your salary gets paid into an account that's in your name only.

Yes, but you know that.
Get your salary paid into your own account.
Think about leaving him.

You shouldn't be having to ask for access to your own money. Ever.

Try having a look through this.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

But I would be definitely making plans to move on.

Yes, this is abusive behaviour, financially and emotionally.

Is there any way you can ensure that your inheritance is paid directly into your account?

Yes this is abusive
Get the inheritance paid into your account if you can and get rid of him. He's horrible

I would be taking that inheritance and getting the hell out

You are being financially abused and many financially abusive men are not solely financially abusive either.

Would not let him see one penny of your inheritance; he will most surely take that away from you as well.

Affairs can be symptomatic of problems in the relationship and you had your head turned by a nice man also because of your H's coldness. I can't condemn you for that, the only mistake you made there was not leaving him then. Let him threaten divorce, I would take him up on his offer.

You can and should leave this person; he is not a decent role model for your 11 year old either.

On a much wider level you really do need to get off the emergency tax coding; your employers should be ensuring this happens asap.

Yes. Everything you describe (not just the finances) is abusive.

He threatened divorce? That sounds like a bloody good deal to me. Tell him to sling his hook.

Yes abusive.

You don't need his permission to get access to the joint bank account. All you have to do is phone the bank and they'll get you your own bank card and login details. Don't mention it to him. Transfer your £350 out. Make sure not another penny of your wages or inheritance goes into that account. Leave him.

That inheritance could be a nice deposit on your new place without him.

Is this 1900 ffs! Yes abusive!

Rabbits- I tried that once before. Because I don't have a bank card for joint ac 2 they made me call a helpline phone in the bank- I couldn't tell the operator any details of the account (because partner withholds the info) so they said I failed security and wouldn't let me access my own account. This is why I have asked him to let me see a copy of the statement. He won't because he considers joint ac 2 'his' account- although it's in joint names!

Get your salary paid into your separate account. You can do this at work without needing to discuss it.

Yes. Take your inheritance and run!

Yes - if you don't have access to joint account 2, then it's not joint!

Take him up on his divorce offer...and do not pay that money into a joint account. Go and see a solicitor today!

As others have said, get your salary paid into your own account and start making plans to separate. Your partner is an abusive arsehole.

Get your salary paid into your own account and your inheritance. And RUN!!! As far as you can from this man

You made a mistake by having an affair but if it was agreed it would be put behind you. Everything about him is abusive.

I am scared to change where the salary gets paid into. He told me I need to pay in £400 per month minimum into joint ac 1 as that is the bill paying account.

He pays in £1000 (he earns more than me). I think it's unfair I don't know what he has spare over and above what he pays in when I'm struggling.

If I say I can't afford groceries he will usually go out & get some but he buys wastefully imo ( ready meals etc) and never seems to be short of wine or beer. It's ok for him to have secret money of his own (in joint ac 2) meanwhile he expects me to account for every penny I spend. I'm never allowed to buy anything for myself just for fun.

If I need anything I have to ask (beg) him -

E.g. - recently I needed new sandals as the old ones were literally falling apart - is had the same pair for 3 years.
He proceeded to go online and buy some.

He then said things like 'I'm skint now' / 'we can't afford it' / shrug - you've just cost me money etc.... so seeming to give he something with one hand and then take it away / make me feel bad for asking.

We were out in a cafe at the time and j started crying because I felt in such a hopeless situation. He then started hissing at me to stop it and stop crying.

I can't afford a solicitor. I have about £170. And I'm expected to buy food for the month with that.

With threatening divorce, he threatens that he will get custody of DS and that he will be a 'witness' against how bad I am (DS is 11).

They all say that about the children. It is always bluster to control you.

Knowledge is power. Get access to the accounts. Login and find out how much money you have.

Abusive men always say that they’ll take the kids away and show the world how crazy you are. It’s absolutely textbook. Do not let him intimidate you with that bullshit.

Financial abuse is a crime and you are 100% being financially abused. Can you call women’s aid as a first step