Is this abusive?

[LouisDenville]

My partner & I have 2 joint bank accounts. I also have a separate account in my name only.

I have not been working for 6 months due to health reasons but have just started a new job. I'm on an emergency tax code so have only been paid £350. All my money gets paid into joint account 1.

My partner says I can 'have' £130 if my wages. This is expected to cover a £30 overdraft and feed us (2 adults, I child aged 11) for the next month.

I asked him for access to joint bank account 2 (where his wages are paid in). He had refused and got very angry.

He:
Told me to piss off
Told me to give it a rest
Jabbed a ginger in my face
Said do you think I work my backside off so you can spend it
Shouted
Said 'is it by Jove' when I reminded him bank account 2 was joint and I had a right to access it
Swore at me
Mocked and belittled me, talking in childlike voice repeating what I said and then saying 'piss off' again
Threatening divorce
Intimidating me, getting angry and aggressive and shouting at me
Emotionally blackmailing me saying he will tell my child and father about my behaviour
Shouting me down when I try to talk to him
Turning the conversation around to me and his perceived view of me (which is akin to a piece of shit)

I had a v brief affair a couple of years ago which I'm ashamed of but I confessed to partner, stopped seeing OM and thought it was behind us. The affair was due to partners unkindness and emotional coldness - I got sucked in by someone being kind to me & talking affectionately & it got out of hand - not trying to excuse, but that's how / why it happened. Partner & I promised never to discuss it again but he has and is also threatening violence against the OM I feel as a way to blackmail / intimidate me when I make what I feel is a reasonable financial request.

Partner is also refusing to tell me how much he earns.

I am due to inherit a small amount shortly and he is expecting me to pay it into joint account 1 to cover the overdraft & go towards household expenses.

Before I did that I just wanted to be informed about the true state of the family finances as I have no full picture, only what he deems fit to share with me or tell me which I'm suspicious might not be the full picture.

Sorry this has been long.

Well I certainly wouldn't be including his good in the shopping this month.

Rabbits- I cannot log in as Barclays Bank will not let me even access the account in any way. He has taken my card away, I don't even know what the account number is.

As explained previously I did try going into the branch but without a card they can't help me. They made me call a helpline and they asked me security questions such as amounts of direct debits and other transactions- which I have no knowledge of!

If anyone can suggest a way to force the bank to let me access the joint account I'd be grateful.

It's hardly a joint account if you're refused access to it so I'd get your wages paid into your own account straight away!
Oh and he threatened divorce? Grab that with both hands and run!

From the Women’s Aid site:

The manipulation of money and other economic resources is one of the most prominent forms of coercive control, depriving women of the material means needed for independence, resistance and escape.

It’s a barrier to leaving: Lack of access to economic resources is a reason why many women feel that they have no choice but to stay with an abuser.

Increased risk for the survivor: Economic barriers to leaving can result in women staying with abusive men for longer and experiencing greater danger, injuries and even homicide as a result.

A barrier to an independent life: Economic abuse doesn’t rely on physical proximity, so can continue after separation. Women are often left in debt and the lack of financial security impacts on their ability to rebuild their lives after leaving.

You can walk into bank with proof of ID and house bill council tax is a good one or tax credits and get the account details that way. Speak to manager and explain problem. Do not be fobbed off.

Tbh it's the emotional abuse - how he speaks to me & mocks me - and how every attempt to have a normal, reasonable conversation gets turned into a shouting argument which really upsets me.

Mummy - I don't have a council tax bill - would a passport and Id such a driving license suffice do you think?

Be more pushy with the bank. Proof of ID and address taken to a local branch will definitely be enough.

Have you talk to your father? Can he help you?
Where does it keep the bank statements?
This man it's punishing you and my father (a lawyer) said to me never go back or stay with an abusive man. It's only going to get worse.
It's bad for you and your child.

Driving licence definitely counts as proof of address. I have used passport plus driving licence myself for ID and it has been fine.

Call women's aid.

If you go into the bank with a few forms of ID you should be able to gain access. Unless that's what you've already done?

In which case could you be honest with the bank and explain your husband is withholding access?

The sandals thing really made me angry for you. As a contrast my DH is the SAHP he has access to all my wages he does some work but it's ad-hoc, I certainly don't expect him to pay everything from the few hundred he gets a month.

His trainers where all worn out recently he didn't have to beg me to get him a pair be just went and bought some cause it's his money to.

Is your own account with Barclays? If so and you have card for that they will use that as proof of ID.

I’d advise you speak to a personal banker and explain the situation but I think you should just leave.

Our Miracke- no my account is with another bank. I will try again just going in with Id & see what happens. I was v unhappy with their response last time, I felt ignored & humiliated - it was like they were complicit in the abuse!

Oh my GOD OP! You've gotten great advice on here. Take it. Can I just say that your husband sounds like a horrible, controlling, abusive, rotten-to-the-core prick! Who on Earth treats another human like that?

You say you had an affair. I do not judge you for a single second for that. You deserved the kindness the OM gave to you.

I really hope you'll take the advice you've been given here, get your own money, your own account and in time, your own house, own life, own phone that blocks his number & move on from this toxic animal.

Don’t put up with that from the bank, OP. I’ve just found an article from last year saying that Barclays are training their staff to have more awareness about financial abuse, so if they’re not being helpful then definitely escalate to a manager.

Give Women’s Aid a call first as they may be able to help you figure out what you need to say to the bank.

They should be able to help you so long as you have ID.

What an evil bastard!!!!!

Is he your husband or partner?
Is it his child?
Have you got RL support?
Whose names is the house in?
Can you open another account in your name only?
Try and get your names of the joint accounts and close the other account
Can you report the cards as going through the washing machine so need a new one and intercept?
Protect your inheritance.

I put up with a lot of things, too much in fact, but I wouldn't accept this.

Are you married? If you are then it's all half yours. If you're not then it gets tricky.

First thing is to set up your own bank account. Get your ducks lined up. Under no circumstance put your inheritance in to the joint account. Again, being married makes a difference to his claim on this.

Also, stop using joint account number 1 and pay any money you receive in to your own account. If he won't be transparent with his earnings then don't be either.

Reduce all your liabilities - get better deals on shared expenses, close the overdraft facility gradually on joint account 1. Put all benefits relating to any children in to your sole account.

Take records of all finances and keep them secure. He won't tell you what he earns - there are ways to find this out or get a good idea. Buy nothing for him. Do nothing for him. Take a massive step back. If he gets unpleasant then you have to have a core of iron - never show you are upset. This will worry him because this is about control.

If he threatens to tell your father or child anything then tell him to go right ahead. I have read your OP about your affair. It's unfortunate, it wasn't right - but that does not give him a stick to beat you with forever more. If you are married and have remained married for 6 months after the affair, then he couldn't use adultery as a reason in divorce.
Just an example. You have to tough it out and be brave.

He is abusing you. Don't let him. I'd rather go without than let a man like this walk over me financially.

Do not leave the bank until they have helped you. You have rights. Take a passport - photo ID. Go nuclear. Start using words like fraud, financial abuse, credit risk. Ask to see the manager. Do not move until they have helped you.

Phone Women's Aid when he is out and get all the information you can regarding financial abuse and coercive control. This is an illegal offence.

Do not give your husband prior warning. Knowledge and time is power.

He can't take your children. Document all the abuse in a diary. Go to Citizens Advice for help. Find a solicitor who will give you half an hour of their time for free.

Reach out to trusted friends and family. Be cautious but ask for help.

Call 101 and get the abuse logged.
Take the crime report number to the bank along with your passport and ask for access to the joint accounts.
Get some legal advice.
Womens Aid can help you with local services in your area who deal with abusive pricks like your DP.
I really hope 'partner' means you are not married.
Get that inheritance and run away - fast!