Man seeking Relationship Advice

[StuckinaRut469]

Hi all, I am new to this site... I have no idea how it works or whether or not I am doing the right thing.

I am married. My wife and I got married in our early twenties and have been together now for close to 10 years and married for close to 8 years.

Last September we got the news we were expecting our first child together, and whilst we were both happy, we were also a little scared. As I am sure everyone is in that situation. Anyway, we had a beautiful little girl at the end of April and we were both very happy. She is close to 13 weeks old now.

All sounds fine right? Well here is where the issue is...

My wife and I haven't really been happy in our relationship for a while now, and this back dates to before we found out my wife was pregnant. Don't get me wrong the pregnancy brought us closer together for a short while but it soon disappeared again.

My wife is unhappy because I am not always chatty when I get home from work. She says she isn't getting the attention, the interaction, the affection she needs. I apparently don't show her the gratitude she wants in our relationship. I am sure I am not explaining it right but that's the gist of it.

My wife is a loving woman, she does the cleaning, the laundry, the ironing, the majority of the cooking, she is a great mum, I can't fault her in that sense. I would like to take this opportunity to say, I have never asked her to do any of this stuff, she chooses to do it. I am more than happy doing the laundry, or the cleaning. I am more than happy cooking. I am ALWAYS happy to take on the role of daddy to our little girl.

Since my wife became pregnant I have done my utmost to take on more, I help with nights, I help with feeds (our baby breastfeeds but we also give expressed milk). I try to help with everything, but it just doesn't seem good enough.

We have been arguing a lot, a common phrase in our home is that we might as well be flat mates. We socialise with friends together (not so much now we have a daughter but still...), we go away together.

We have been sleeping in separate rooms since the turn of the year. Its true, we are more like flat mates. The intimacy in our relationship is non existent.

It has got to the point whereby I genuinely believe that whilst we still love each other, its not the same as it was in the earlier years of our relationship. The passion isn't there. The romance is gone. To outsiders looking in, if you didn't know we were in a relationship, you would think we were a pair of flat mates.

I have done my best recently to find that spark again, I have tried woooo-ing her, I have tried organising a date night, I have asked my parents to look after our little girl for a couple of hours so we could spend a little time alone together, but it does nothing. If anything it highlights just how far apart we have become.

This is a really fractious ramble by me and I am sorry for that. I am probably not painting the perfect picture and I have no idea what I should be typing anymore.

I can't deny, I honestly don't have the energy anymore. I am exhausted with treading on egg shells at home wondering if I am doing something or saying something that might set her off, or be construed in the wrong way. At this moment in time, I honestly can't say I am still in this because I want to be or because of the fact we have a little girl together.

Have we checked out? I think we've both been feeling this way for quite some time and I honestly don't know.

Would we be better parting ways and co-parenting? Would it be better to stay together and simply endure? I have no idea. I am at my wits end and I honestly do think that our current relationship and how things are is not creating the right kind of environment / vibe for our daughter. Neither of us are happy, you could cut the tension sometimes with a knife. We both want what is best for our little girl and she is our number one priority.

I don't know what to do? I suppose the reason I am creating this thread is because I want advice...

Would it be better to end our relationship and co-parent?

Would it be better to try and work our way through it (not that we haven't been trying until now)?

Has anyone else been in this kind of situation? What did you do? Would you do things differently now?

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Have you thought about going to a relationship councilor? Surely that's a good option before you break up?

I remember a counsellor suggesting years ago that I mark my calendar for 6 months from that date, and tell myself if I were still equally unhappy in 6 months, then that would be the time to think of separation. You have a new baby, which is like "throwing a bomb into the relationship" so now is really a difficult time as a couple. I would try to talk to your wife about how you are feeling, and ask if you can do anything additional to relieve her burdens at home, and i would try to think of one thing each day you could share with her when you get home. She is probably really missing adult conversation!!

But I would really give it more time, with such a young child, before thinking of anything more serious such as separation.

Good luck to you both. It is a tough time for any couple.

Hi Trinity66, I meant to put this in my original post.

We tried couples therapy just over a year ago... it worked for a little bit and in the short term our relationship improved, but very quickly nothing really changed.

I honestly think that if it wasn't for the fact my wife got pregnant that we wouldn't be together now. I think our daughter is the glue that is currently holding our damaged relationship together.

aw right sorry to hear that, like spunkymom22 said though, things were always going to get a bit tougher when you add a baby to the mix aswell. I mean the one positive thing I got from your OP though is that you both acknowledge there's problems and want to try atleast.

Try different couples counselling - emotion focused therapy is good

If you're walking on eggshells, it's time for you to go to counselling on your own.

Do it now, so that once the baby stage is over and things start to ease up, you can use the skills you learned in counselling to properly assess the whole relationship.

I don't think this is the right time for you to make life changing decisions - a baby is hugely traumatic - making decisions while you are undergoing huge upheaval is something that should only be done when there is no alternative imo. I'd wait and see.

My only caveat...
Is your dw actually shouting at you? Does she call you names, belittle you, insult you?
If she's actively emotionally abusive, then I would say it is probably best to look into separating.

In either scenario, individual counselling would be invaluable imo.

Fwiw. I started to know that my marriage was a dangerous place for me to be, when my baby was 18 mo. I watched and waited and when said baby was 3yo, I left (taking dc with me). Sometimes, babies do reveal true, unresolvable faultlines in relationships. But some relationships bend without breaking. Time will tell.

Hang in there. You sound so sad and tired - I know the feeling. My love to you.

Hi DonkeyPlease

When my wife and I argue it rarely involves screaming and shouting. I think the only times it has in the past is when we are both drunk, but that doesn't really happen much now-a-days for obvious reasons.

We don't call each other names, belittle each other or insult each other. We tease and stuff but that's about it, and it only playful, never in a malicious way.

Here is a little added info. I am at work right now, my hours are 9-5, but I come in to work an hour earlier and leave an hour later purely so the time I spend with her is less. It was actually longer than that before she was pregnant and the baby arrived.

I am emotionally and physically drained. Every ounce of my energy when I walk through the door is spent with the baby. I want to be an involved father, and I am trying my utmost to be. You might say that I should split my time between my wife and the baby, but when I have tried spending time with her, I get told I could be spending time with our daughter by her!! There is no winning...

I say I am treading on egg shells, but the problem is... its every minute of every day when we are with each other. I am doing what I think is right, I am always doing what is best for our child, but it almost seems like what I am doing in our relationship is not enough.

We have both got good support systems in our family and friends, I have a couple of friends I talk to about everything, as does she. None of my friends have ever said we should split up, they have always said we need to do what is right for the both of us and tried to encourage us.

We have been through couples therapy together and like I said it worked short term but didn't have much of an effect after a while. It went rotten again.

The fact of the matter is, neither my wife or I are happy at home. We are both unhappy and it only seems to be getting worse.

I appreciate that we could try solo therapy, sort our own issues out and then try to sort ourselves out... but we haven't changed much in the last 2 years (other than the fact we have drifted apart and become more like flat mates). I am still the same me at work, I am still the same me with friends, I am still the same me when we are out together with other people. As is she. It is when we are together, alone, or with just the baby that the glaring cracks in our relationship show properly.

The more I type, the more I kind of think that I am trying to convince myself to stay in this, but if this is a dark tunnel, at this moment in time, I don't see the light at the end...?

Hi Spunkymum, we actually got told the same sort of thing in therapy when we tried it the first time... only we got told to give it a year and if we were still unhappy try a separation.

Problem is, we got pregnant inside that year and now find ourselves in our worst state yet as a couple, with a small child...

You just need to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Say everything that you've said here. What does she actually want? Maybe try a trial separation, to see how it goes? Obviously you can't both carry on like this, neither of you are happy and it doesn't look like it's going to get any better.

Hi Singlenotsingle... we have tried having heart to hearts before but they only ever seem to lead to arguments.

This is why I am at a loss at the moment. I feel like if I suggest a trial separation, it is going to be the end of us completely.

Seems like you've already decided nothing will work anyway and you've already given tbh

Have you actually asked her what it is she needs from you? Actually told her you're ready to give up?

I'm not sure there's anything else you could try. I think you have to decide whether to stick it out for a while or to split up and share parenting. Maybe agree to separate but still live together for the foreseeable. That may be a true wake up call for your wife and it'll let you both see whether you actually want to be together.

Honestly?
"I am more than happy doing the laundry, or the cleaning. I am more than happy cooking. I am ALWAYS happy to take on the role of daddy to our little girl."
That (to me) comes across as if you think you're doing some kind of favour to your wife. You're not. You're not 'taking on the role' of father - you ARE a father. If you go out to work, you may feel that this is an optional/part time role like your job (not that your job is 'part-time', but I mean it is weekdays only) - but it's not. And if your wife stays at home, it's 24/7 for her.

The other thing that screams from your post is your (coyly phrased) desire to have sex with your wife. This doesn't appear to be a shared desire:
" I have tried woooo-ing her, I have tried organising a date night, I have asked my parents to look after our little girl for a couple of hours so we could spend a little time alone together".
Your wife has a 13 week old baby. Stop trying to jump her - you might find that actually she doesn't want sex (shock, horror), but you to give her attention that isn't based on getting your end away.

I wouldn't be making any decisions at the moment. You've just had a baby which is a massive strain on any relationship. If she's at home all day with the baby and you're in work she's probably going stir crazy and needs someone to talk to when you get in.

Did I read right that you work 9-5 but have been doing 8-6 to avoid your wife? Meaning youre also leaving her responsible for your little baby for an extra 2 hours every day unnecessarily?

Tbh it sounds like you want to finish things and you want endorsement of that. Thats fine. Thats the vibe I get so Im going to endorse it. But truthfully its not surprising you relationship is struggling, as you have such a new baby. Im wondering if the "wr had problems before" is retrospect

Agree with the previous poster than your initial post makes it sound like youre not very involved with home stuff. She doesnt choose to do it. She does it because its not already done (same as you might). No one enjoys doing laundry (I dont think?)

I agree that you are coming across as selfish. The fact that you think you re entitled to spend extra time at work than go home speaks volumes. Your dw cannot do this and she will have noticed which would piss me off no end.
So....your dw sounds amazing doing all the chores because I bloody couldn't when I had a tiny baby. Believe me she isn't choosing to do this its just because it needs doing and she's respecting the fact that you go out to work.

Given that you mainly can start sexual stuff six weeks after the birth you haven't given her long have you.

TBH I don't think you are cut out to be a dad. If I read this and knew it was from my dh I would kick him out. Be careful of what you wish for. You may regret this.
.

Also you don't role play dad.....you are the dad. Also you are not helping as its your responsibility too. Duh.
Me thinks maybe you've had your head turned by the sound of it and you are blame shifting to make yourself feel better. Someone at work?

BTW why aren't you friendly and chatty when you come in? That's what you would do with friends so you are treating her worse than that.
Has no sex built up resentment?
You are making my blood boil.

I think you've tried everything and it's time to end it for both your sakes. You deserve to be happy and this relationship sounds very hard. Good luck!

Ouch... I winced reading your OP. You are going to get a real kicking here and I’m not sure it’s entirely undeserved.

Your baby is three months old! You’re talking about the situation as if this has been your life for years. Three months, and you’re doing extra hours at work to avoid going home. Just read that back to yourself and have a wee think about how that sounds. And when you’re home your wife has to tell you that you should be spending more time with the baby?

I also cringed at ‘I never asked her to do it’ and ‘I’m more than happy to...’ which might be unfair of me, but it reeeeally smacks of the ‘you should have asked’ mentality that drives so many women mad. It’s the attitude that the woman is the ultimate project manager of household tasks and that it’s up to her to delegate them to her husband.

Don’t be hard on yourselves, you have a three month old baby and it’s a crazy time so I would just avoid making any life-changing decisions right now. But I also think you maybe need to take another look at the situation and ask yourself whether you really, genuinely are the saintly husband that you’re attempting to paint yourself as.

OP also said that this situation predated their DC. They were in separate rooms from January (baby born April) and felt the need to try counselling about a year ago. So it’s not correct to suggest this is recent (post birth).

And I think it’s a bit nit-picky to start pulling apart the way he’s phrased things. “Roles” is just a way of describing how the household tasks are divided - at least that’s how I read it.

And he’s already said that she criticised him either way - either spending too little time with her (his DP) or, when trying to engage with her, too little with their DC. I can easily see how that would become a no-win.

OP It certainly wouldn’t hurt to step up anyway and do more of the chores without waiting to be asked. And you really should knock the hiding at work on the head. Your DD, at least, deserves that from you. Maybe this is irretrievable, but in which case front up and have that conversation with your partner, don’t absent yourself out of the relationship.

Stop trying to jump her - you might find that actually she doesn't want sex

TBH I don't think you are cut out to be a dad

Has no sex built up resentment?
You are making my blood boil.

Wow! The bollock kickers have arrived!

Two things jump out at me immediately , yo say she chooses to do the housework etc I can assure you she doesn’t choose to do it she does it because it bloody needs done and you don’t do it unless asked so it falls to her .
Second thing you leave her with a baby an extra two hours a day then blame her for expecting you take over the child care once you are in .
I’m also troubled by the way you sound like you are rewriting history with your wife when your baby is only 3 months old , is there someone else you have your eye on by any chance ?

And no sex ? Your baby is only a few months old , it’s hardly a dire situation yet .