Man seeking Relationship Advice

[StuckinaRut469]

Hi all, I am new to this site... I have no idea how it works or whether or not I am doing the right thing.

I am married. My wife and I got married in our early twenties and have been together now for close to 10 years and married for close to 8 years.

Last September we got the news we were expecting our first child together, and whilst we were both happy, we were also a little scared. As I am sure everyone is in that situation. Anyway, we had a beautiful little girl at the end of April and we were both very happy. She is close to 13 weeks old now.

All sounds fine right? Well here is where the issue is...

My wife and I haven't really been happy in our relationship for a while now, and this back dates to before we found out my wife was pregnant. Don't get me wrong the pregnancy brought us closer together for a short while but it soon disappeared again.

My wife is unhappy because I am not always chatty when I get home from work. She says she isn't getting the attention, the interaction, the affection she needs. I apparently don't show her the gratitude she wants in our relationship. I am sure I am not explaining it right but that's the gist of it.

My wife is a loving woman, she does the cleaning, the laundry, the ironing, the majority of the cooking, she is a great mum, I can't fault her in that sense. I would like to take this opportunity to say, I have never asked her to do any of this stuff, she chooses to do it. I am more than happy doing the laundry, or the cleaning. I am more than happy cooking. I am ALWAYS happy to take on the role of daddy to our little girl.

Since my wife became pregnant I have done my utmost to take on more, I help with nights, I help with feeds (our baby breastfeeds but we also give expressed milk). I try to help with everything, but it just doesn't seem good enough.

We have been arguing a lot, a common phrase in our home is that we might as well be flat mates. We socialise with friends together (not so much now we have a daughter but still...), we go away together.

We have been sleeping in separate rooms since the turn of the year. Its true, we are more like flat mates. The intimacy in our relationship is non existent.

It has got to the point whereby I genuinely believe that whilst we still love each other, its not the same as it was in the earlier years of our relationship. The passion isn't there. The romance is gone. To outsiders looking in, if you didn't know we were in a relationship, you would think we were a pair of flat mates.

I have done my best recently to find that spark again, I have tried woooo-ing her, I have tried organising a date night, I have asked my parents to look after our little girl for a couple of hours so we could spend a little time alone together, but it does nothing. If anything it highlights just how far apart we have become.

This is a really fractious ramble by me and I am sorry for that. I am probably not painting the perfect picture and I have no idea what I should be typing anymore.

I can't deny, I honestly don't have the energy anymore. I am exhausted with treading on egg shells at home wondering if I am doing something or saying something that might set her off, or be construed in the wrong way. At this moment in time, I honestly can't say I am still in this because I want to be or because of the fact we have a little girl together.

Have we checked out? I think we've both been feeling this way for quite some time and I honestly don't know.

Would we be better parting ways and co-parenting? Would it be better to stay together and simply endure? I have no idea. I am at my wits end and I honestly do think that our current relationship and how things are is not creating the right kind of environment / vibe for our daughter. Neither of us are happy, you could cut the tension sometimes with a knife. We both want what is best for our little girl and she is our number one priority.

I don't know what to do? I suppose the reason I am creating this thread is because I want advice...

Would it be better to end our relationship and co-parent?

Would it be better to try and work our way through it (not that we haven't been trying until now)?

Has anyone else been in this kind of situation? What did you do? Would you do things differently now?

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Might be projecting here but I don't bloody choose to do all the housework but somehow I end up sodding doing it!!

Perhaps if you took on some stuff at home WITHOUT BEING ASKED, and didn't spend an extra two hours at work for no reason then things might feel a little bit lighter for your poor wife.

Yes, things predate it but I bet it's all magnified for her now. Having a 13 week old is fucking hard, I bet she feels the pressure every day.

Wow! The bollock kickers have arrived! - yes, thankfully.

Things you can do to improve your relationship : stop staying extra hours at work unnecessarily.
Make a point of talking to her about her day for at least 10 minutes when you arrive home.
If you can afford it hire a cleaner.
Acknowledge what your wife has gone through to have a baby.
Realise it is hard looking after a baby all day by yourself.
Make sure you are both getting enough sleep.
Take the baby out by yourself every weekend for a few hours to give your wife a break. Do not expect her to do housework during this time.

I think you should stick with your relationship as it's very early days and things get easier.

HereBeFuckery...

At no point did I say that I was doing her any favours by doing laundry, cooking or taking care of our little girl.

I am doing absolutely everything possible to be supportive for both my wife and our daughter. I am happy doing night feeds, nappy changes and so on... I actively encourage my wife to express milk so I can help more. I actively encourage my wife to take a little time for herself, like getting her nails done, or going to the gym (which she wants to do).

At no point did I ever say that I am trying to jump her bones. If we don't have sex for the next 20 years I couldn't care... sex isn't everything. What I was trying to say, but clearly wording it badly, was that I am trying to get us to take time for ourselves like having a conversation, spending an hour having a nice dinner, spending half hour watching tele whilst cuddle up together.

Feckers2018...

I am not cut out to be a dad? Can I ask why?

I am as much involved (when not at work) in the wellbeing and upbringing of my daughters life. I do the majority of the night feeds so my wife can sleep, only handing her over to my wife if she is refusing to take the bottle and wants to be breastfed instead... which happens maybe twice a week.

I bathe my little girl every day. At weekends I spend all day with her, I encourage my wife to take time to herself by getting her nails done or going to the gym. Things that she wants to do. I try to do as much as I possibly can. So how am I not cut out to be a dad?

Feckers2018...

No sex is not building up any resentment... I am not looking to have sex, if she wants it, actively seeks it... obviously I am a willing participant. However, I appreciate that child birth is a traumatic experience and I whilst I have tried to spend some time alone with her, tried wooing her, tried spending even half an hour watching tele on the sofa with her... at no point is it because I am trying to get my leg over. I am doing it because our relationship is at the lowest point it has ever been and I have been trying to make it better.

At this point I just don't have that in me anymore... I feel resigned to the fact our relationship is failing and I am doing my all to ensure our daughter is happy, healthy and content, and being supportive of my wife in relation to our daughter rather than our own actual relationship as a couple.

Why are you in separate beds? I would change that for a start. I know some people swear by them, but I personally would feel a loss of intimacy (not sex) if my DH and I were sleeping separately. Being home with a new baby is draining. They don't talk to you, your life changes so much. It's really selfish to be unnecessarily staying an extra 2 hours at work.

Your wife sounds like she's craving adult company. When I was off work, I used to be desperate to hear about the 'outside world'. All my friends worked, so it's not like I had anyone to meet up with (unless I took up new hobbies).

You may be coming in from work and playing with your daughter/taking over from her, but that still leaves your wife by herself with the interaction happening between you and DD. I'd focus more on your wife tbh - if you split up, you're going to have much less contact with your DD. It's very early days. I love my children, but at that stage it's a real slog, I certainly wasn't particularly up on housework (or appearance) at that stage.

Changedname3456

You took the words right out of my mouth. I am not complaining about doing things, and having more expected of me. But whatever I do... doesn't seem good enough, and I don't feel I can win.

I want what is best for my daughter, and I that is my main priority. She has been my main focus and she should be as far as I am concerned.

You're right hiding at work is pathetic. I read my post and when I read that I hated myself for it. I don't do that anymore, I am ashamed I did it in the first place.

Of course your relationship is at it's lowest point, you've just had a baby!
It's not failing, you are in the trenches of parenthood.
Hang on in there. It's gets easier (then you'll have baby number two and wonder what all the fuss was about only having one ).

itchifanny...

As I have said in a higher post... Hiding at work is pathetic and I am ashamed of the fact I did it. I don't any more.

If I go home and start doing those things because they need to be done... I get moaned at for not spending the time with my daughter.

If I go home and start spending time with my daughter, I get moaned at for not doing the cleaning or the laundry.

Lose Lose is it not?

Slight change of circumstances from now on though... as of today we have a cleaner coming every Monday and Friday for 3 hours a time. The cleaner will take on the responsibility of cleaning our home, changing sheets, ironing and putting away the laundry.

There is absolutely no one I have my eye on. The only girl in my life that I have my eye on is my daughter. She is my priority, she is my focus.

itchifanny...

Again... as I have said a few times now... I don't care about the no sex.

It does sound to me from the way you write that you have already decided to leave you want to break up more than you want to stay together. But you are here for validation to do that, and with a baby involved you feel guilty

Neither of you are happy so you do need to have an honest chat about whether this is the beginning of the end. It might actually help to hear how she feels about this. Perhaps you could even trial a separation for 2 weeks and then meet to decide how you both feel - was it better and easier apart? Or did it make you both feel that there is something to salvage

What jumps out is that you have reached the point where you need to do SOMETHING but here is the but..., she’s just had a baby and I don’t think she will be able to focus on rebuilding your marriage, she will be way too invested in what it takes to care for a baby - mentally and physically. So it is a bad time to make any rash decisions in that sense. All of the suggestions people have given you have already tried or can’t/won’t so here is the deal

If you want to walk away then you will feel guilty about it and no one can help you with that
If you stay you have to move your mindset away from all of these negative feelings of hopelessness and your wife checking out, and make your own destiny and happy life. Staying at work is bad. You could come home and take your baby out for that hour - it is wasting your life by avoiding. You could be doing something positive

Keeptrudging...

we have been in separate beds for a while now. we weren't getting along, were arguing a lot and she didn't want me in the same bed anymore. So I went to the other bedroom. Its where I have stayed because I haven't been told I can come back. I've asked, she said no.

Our daughter tends to sleep in my room at night so my wife can get enough sleep. I only take her to my wife if she refuses the bottle and wants boob.

I am sure my wife is craving adult company... I try to arrange time for just the two of us, ask my parents to take our daughter for a little while, so we can spend some time together having dinner, or simply having an uninterupted conversation or watching tele. When I do this though, I get told I am not spending enough time with our daughter.

TO EVERYONE... EXPANSION TO OP...

I appreciate the advice, I don't disregard the negative and only concentrate on the positive either.

I am completely ashamed that I was avoiding going home from work. I realised the moment I read what I wrote that I was being pathetic.

I am going to go home and have a heart to heart with my wife. I will lay it all out there and ask her what it is she is expecting, what it is she wants... I will post an update afterwards.

I suppose at this point, having read all your comments, this is what I am currently thinking...

Our daughter is No. 1 - she is the most important person in this dynamic at the moment... as long as she is happy, fed, warm and loved by both my wife and I... then that's great, its the way it should be, and it is the way it is.

Secondly... I think my wife and I need to take the pressure off of our own relationship. We are arguing a lot about stupid stuff because we are both irritable and on edge. I am going to suggest, that we take the pressure off completely, put a pause on our relationship and focus on our daughter. So effectively, I suppose we are going to be on a separation from each other, living under the same roof but in a way like housemates with a child.

Any thoughts? Good idea? Bad idea? Any better ideas?

Sometimes you don't need to make decisions or fix things -
you enjoy being a dad to your 3 month old, so
put on the Van Morrison and share the joy with your wife. Lighten up.
Sometimes things are difficult; that better time you seem to be hankering for only needs a shift in perception and a bit of patience.

I think asking her what she needs and wants is the first step

You may well think you are helping but it’s not a thing all helpful to your wife

Just talk to her

I agree lighten up, I really wouldn't say to your wife that you are on separation either as it wouldn't be nice for her to hear that. I would reassure her you're sticking with them both.

It's very hard having a baby, you both need to recognise this.
But it goes so quickly, next year you'll have a little toddler and it'll be completely different (still tiring though).

Ask her how she's feeling about everything after the birth, how is she physically ? What was the birth like ?

Is she worried about anything ?

I always try to speak to my DP the way I would to a friend or family member. If I was exhausted/unwell/stressed etc then I wouldn’t speak in a hostile way to a friend and sulk at them. I’d still try and be kind and polite, and if I needed to communicate something with them then I’d do it in a tactful way without becoming overly emotional/passive aggressive.
Sometimes I want to strangle my DP if he’s being irritating. But I also sometimes want to strangle a friend or family member when they’re being irritating too but I manage to control myself with them so why should it be different with my DP.

I wouldn’t put a pause on anything unless you are serious about ending the relationship , just try and be for a while and spend time with them , cook her dinner occasionally and try enjoy both of their company .

6 hours of cleaning is fantastic.

Organise day trips out at the weekend. We used to go to big parks and spend all day having a picnic, sleeping in the grass and walking around.
It was really good to spend time together outdoors with the baby.

Also if your wife snaps at you to do one thing whilst you're doing another, perhaps before you start say I'll play with the baby for 15 mins then start dinner -is that ok?
Take on some of the mental tasks as well such as dinner planning, doctor 's appointments, nappy buying, paying the cleaner. You could divide these up so you both have a clear idea of who is doing what.

Write things down as you go along. For instance a shopping list in the kitchen.