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Original poster

Time limit on I love you?

29 replies

blueskiesnsunshine · 26/07/2018 13:46

Basically that. Would you put a time limit on a man telling him he loves you and if so, how long? How long is too long to wait?

I ask because mine still hasn't said this after 9 months... We had a chat around the 6 month mark where he didn't really give me a straight answer (assuming that it was a "no" from this).

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 26/07/2018 13:50

I'd say a year.

Porridgeprincess · 26/07/2018 13:50

My partner and I did not tell each other until about 1 year in. My friend is married and is very happy and they have never told each other which I find strange but who am I to judge!
Other friends have said it within weeks which I find even stranger!

A time limit on an emotion is not something you can do. Some people take longer to say this. You will know if a person cares for you by their actions and how they treat you!

HereForTheLaughs · 26/07/2018 13:51

I wouldn't put a time limit on it and I don't think I'd directly ask "Do you love me?". If he feels it, he will say it.
As an example, DH said it to me three weeks into seeing each other! I laughed at him and told him he didn't mean it as didn't think it was possible to love someone so quickly. I finally said it 9 months in.

That was 5 years ago and we have been married for 3.

Just be honest and speak to him about how you feel, you'll soon know if he's on a different page to you, which should give you direction on what to do next. Good luck!

Fabricwitch · 26/07/2018 13:52

Have you said it to him? If I told someone I loved them and it took more than a couple of months for them to say it back then I'd have concerns.
Only you know how important it is to you though.

RideOn · 26/07/2018 13:53

I think a year too

Fabricwitch · 26/07/2018 13:56

DH said it to me three weeks into seeing each other! I laughed at him and told him he didn't mean it
This was our exact situation too! I said it back a couple of weeks later Grin

Myheartbelongsto · 26/07/2018 13:56

Got together with my boyfriend in Sept and he told me this following June. He just said it one day when he was leaving my house. Pulled me to him and said I love you. Before that he would say lovely things so I knew I love you would come.

Does he say other things to you about how he feels?

Original poster
blueskiesnsunshine · 26/07/2018 14:06

I think a year was kind of what I had in mind too. Not because I'm putting a time limit on it as such, but because I expect you'd know by then so if you still weren't sure then maybe barking up the wrong tree?

I've not said it either fabric and I'm not sure if I would, because I think I would be really hurt if it wasn't returned. The chat we had wasn't me asking him if he loved me. He'd told me someone had been ribbing him about being in love (with me) and I said words to the effect of "maybe a little bit?" and he totally changed the subject.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueskiesnsunshine · 26/07/2018 14:09

He's never really told me how he feels other than, in the early days he told me he really fancies me and really likes me.

OP posts:
sissy89 · 26/07/2018 14:10

About 5 months for me and my dh. I don't think you can put a time limit on it but if nothing after a year, I'd be concerned I was wasting my time. Especially if there were no clues there e.g no nice gestures, compliments etc.

On the other hand, saying it too quick is also a concern. This is what frustrates me about programmes like love island. I mean how long have they been in they villa? 5/6 weeks and the majority are telling each other they are 'in love'. Talking about having babies and getting married. I know it's all staged etc and just a tv programme but it makes me worry about the future generation tbh.

Original poster
blueskiesnsunshine · 26/07/2018 14:16

Exactly sissy
If/when he does say it I'll know he really means it. I'm thinking I'll give it a year... but also wondering how to do this if he hasn't said it by then.

OP posts:
Smidge001 · 26/07/2018 14:23

I think it's more important that he acts as though he loves you isn't it? Do you feel loved and cared for? He already said he likes and fancies you. Im not sure the words themselves matter tbh.

PatMustardsHairyBaby · 26/07/2018 14:28

DP said it after 4 weeks at which point I was having to stop myself from blurting it out so was super relieved!

I know everyone's different but I wear my heart on my sleeve and if someone hadn't expressed deep/meaningful feelings of love (doesn't have to be those three words) after 6 months-ish I'd have serious reservations. That's supposed to be the period during which you fall madly in love with someone! If someone genuinely didn't feel that way about me at that point then I'd cut them loose.

NotTheFordType · 26/07/2018 15:43

I'd say 3-6 months. But it probably depends on how often you see each other. If it's at least once a week and you spend a whole weekend together, for example, I'd expect you to know fairly soon. Like, at 3 months. If it's long distance and you only see each other once a month then obviously it's going to take longer.

If I was theoretically in the position of looking for a relationship that would lead to marriage (with or without DC), and we'd already agreed to sexual exclusivity, I'd be looking for a declaration of love by 6 months, maximum. I think if you don't know by then, then it's not going to happen.

Drivemecrazy1974 · 26/07/2018 15:59

We must have been really weird then because we both said I Love You after just a few days. To be fair, I was 18, he was 21, we were very young, probably didn't really know what love was. We're still together after 26 years though, so maybe we just knew...

uncoolnn · 26/07/2018 16:16

I've been seeing someone since early March and we have already said it to each other. If you had asked this same question 12 months ago I'd have said that was way too soon but it just felt right this time Blush only time will tell...

I think, OP, whenever feels right for you. There shouldn't be a time limit.

Notquiteagandt · 26/07/2018 16:18

Id say at least a year. It takesme that long to get to really know someone.

DontSmackThePony · 26/07/2018 20:48

DP had had a very bad experience and wanted to take the 'love' slow. But we had a pretty gorgeous thing going on and I fell inlove with him fast. I drunkenly told him after 3 months. He was very very sweet but made it clear (in a way that only slightly made me feel like a twat the next day) that it was a massive word for him and from now on he was only saying it when he absolutely knew it was true.

I let it go and decided to just have faith but about 14 months into our relationship, it started to get to me. It was still going so so well so I was baffled as to why he hadn't said it. I felt like he did but it actually started to make me wonder if he was just settling. Maybe he was a nice bloke, we were having a great time and it was all juat good enough for the time being for him. Maybe i was just massively more into him then me and I'd been too egotistical to believe it. I started seriously considering letting him go.

One night we got drunk at a party and he started talking about how much he wanted marriage and kids, it was lovely. But then I started feeling weird about it and said I only really wanted to talk to somebody about these things if there was a future. And I didnt want to settle and plan these things with somebody who didnt love me. And that even though I loved him, I'd rather be with someone who truly loved me. Madly. Not someone who just wanted to find someone to settle down with.

Anyway, long story short. He did love me. And said so. And was pretty gutted I'd been thinking like that becuase he hadn't said. Said he jadn't realised I'd needed to hear it. Admitted he'd had a bit of a mental block with actually saying it.

Practice makes it easier though. 3 years later we say it lots. A dozen times a day.

I think...

  • The word carries more weight for some people.
  • Some people don't need to hear it as much.
  • You absolutely shouldnt stay with someone who doesn't or pisses about with all the 'i dont do love'
  • dont settle and dont be settled for
  • its Ok to find out if you're on the same page at the point it starts driving you nuts. If they do love you, they wont mind and if they don't after at least a year, will they ever?
  • alcohol is a great love conversation starter
AnaViaSalamanca · 26/07/2018 21:28

Somehow "love" is quite massive for some people. Can you be in a relationship with someone without being in love? I find that strange to be honest, but maybe I am quite easy going about it.

I told DP I loved him I think within a couple of months of seeing each other at the time when I told him we need to cut the BS and be exclusive.

AnaViaSalamanca · 26/07/2018 21:29

But really you shouldn't have a time limit on it, or be with someone who refuses to say it as if he is saving it for someone else, "the one" which you are presumably not.

Original poster
blueskiesnsunshine · 26/07/2018 23:18

Dont your post really struck a chord with me!! In fact this sums up exactly how I feel

And I didnt want to settle and plan these things with somebody who didnt love me. And that even though I loved him, I'd rather be with someone who truly loved me. Madly. Not someone who just wanted to find someone to settle down with.

He's said he really wants to be with me, thinks I'm lovely and wants our relationship to "work out" but he struggles with expressing his feelings.The word love doesn't come easy to him and he says he would never say it without meaning it. However, it's something I do need to hear (and believe). Don't settle/be settled for is at the front of my mind.

OP posts:
ColdFeetWarmHeart · 26/07/2018 23:28

My DH didn't tell me he loved me for ages. If I remember correctly I told him I loved him 5 months in,and he didn't even say "I love you too" until about 18 months in!!
But other things he did/said told me how he felt about me.

We've now been together 10 years. He tells me he loves me all the time now, probably more often than I do. In a way it's reassuring he waited so long. I know he really really meant it!!

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 26/07/2018 23:32

I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business to tell someone when it’s right to say ‘I love you’. I hate all the judgmental ‘you can’t possibly love someone after X many months’ kind of posts because how exactly do you know how someone else may or may not be feeling?

I said it to my partner after 6 weeks. I honestly feel like I didn’t even have a choice. I realised I did and then it was like this massive elephant in the room for about a week afterwards because I felt it so strongly that it just felt so bizarre not to say it. Almost like I was lying. I kept trying to find ways to say it without actually saying it (‘I think you’re amazing’, ‘I like you so much’ etc.) but eventually I just had to come out and say it or I felt like I was going to explode.

We’ve been together 3 years now and that feeling hasn’t gone away even for a second. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that I was in love with him even from that very early stage.

I don’t think it’s wrong to wait either, and everyone approaches it differently. You have to just go with what feels right to you. But I don’t think one couple’s love is more valid just because they held out for so many months before saying it vs. a couple who said it after a few weeks.

As for ‘despairing of the current generation’, I know loads of couples of my parents’ generation who were engaged within months of meeting! Fast-moving relationships are not some new-fangled thing invented by us millennials, believe it or not Grin

Armchairanarchist · 27/07/2018 00:02

Within weeks, engaged in three months, married six months later. That's 23 years ago and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. He was friends with my best friend's bothers and I'd known him years before but when we got together we just knew.

throwawayagain · 28/07/2018 21:08

An ex told me he'd never said it to anyone. Not even in a 3 year relationship.
He also said he'd been called 'emotionally backward'.
He told me what he was, I guess.
I ended it due to strange behaviour after 9 months.
Then he said 'I love you'.
Very odd, because shortly afterwards I was contacted by his other long term girlfriend. The relationship had been ongoing for 2 years (both together - yes), and he had never said it to her either.
He used it as a weapon, clearly.
I took his stuff to his house, and almost ran him over as I left, and he leapt upon the car.

I believe he remains single. What a bloody shame!

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