How do I tell my husband he needs to lose weight

[cmayfield83]

Hello
I need some advice on how to approach this sensitive subject. My husband is slightly overweight, not loads but he had a belly on him. I am very into healthy eating and fitness and try to encourage him were I can by cooking healthy evening meals but when hes at work and if i don't cook he will eat rubbish.
He goes to the gym but isn't consistent with his workouts so it doesn't really make much of a difference.
Its got to the point where I don't find him attractive and i find myself looking at fitter heather men in the gym wishing my husband was like them.
I want him to do something about it and take it seriously but I don't know how to approach it without offending/upsetting him.
Please help

My ex told me I was overweight, I lost the weight and left him!

Yes, I agree he needs to lose weight, that weight being You.

Thats for that gem of advice. My concern is his health

You’re already eyeing off the beefcakes at the gym? That doesn’t really bode well.

Usually people lie and say they’re concerned about ‘health’. I don’t think you can even do that as he’s only slightly overweight.

We are just honest with each other and say you are getting a bit chubby.

If he’s only slightly overweight and goes to the gym he’s not exactly at risk of dropping dead any second is he? 😏

Send him this way - I’ve got a lovely single friend who likes a cuddly man.

cmayfield I think you have a good point. I was looking around at a lot of men who are near to my age at the weekend, and most of them were carrying so much belly fat they looked pregnant. It's not a very attractive look and to be honest, I can't believe that any woman would look at them and think "wow sexy!".

You are allowed to have the feelings you have. If you don't find your husband attractive anymore are you supposed to force yourself to have sex with him? We are "programmed" to find fitness attractive - it is how we ensure our children have the optimum genes.

The problem is that no one can make your husband lose weight. Your husband needs to decide to do this himself, and for his own reasons. Maybe you could couch it in terms of trying to stay as fit and healthy as possible into old age so you can make the most of it? Of course we are all at risk of accident or illness, but getting fit and doing our best to maintain fitness at least gives us a chance to fight the odds. Cardiovascular exercise is really important to keep the brain healthy into old age.

I'm not sure that "going to the gym" is the best choice of exercise for him if he's inconsistent. If he is out of shape he may also feel insecure amongst all the gym posers. Could you find an exercise activity you both enjoy, maybe running or swimming? Or could you exercise at home - there are loads of YouTube videos, The Body Coach is a good one because it's a man who takes the piss out of himself a bit and isn't perfect.

I hope that you find a way through this and that your husband does take his physical fitness more seriously, not just because it will make him more attractive to you, but because it means you both have a better chance of being healthy and active into old age and that is the best prize ever.

You’ll get a lot of stick for your post, which isn’t entirely fair. Attraction and desire are untidy and not always politically correct - you can’t make yourself fancy something you don’t and it’s entirely possible to continue to love somebody but just not fancy them. I don’t know why people get so defensive about that.

Personally, I’d want to be told (and have been - it stung at the time but I knew, really, myself that I was getting a bit chubby and it was the kick up the ass I needed to do something about it) if my partner was beginning not to fancy me anymore - and it’s far easier to lose a stone or two than it is to let the weight keep on creeping up until you have four or five to get rid of.

If this was the other way around there would be outrage.

And if he’s eating rubbish and junk, his health is an issue. I’d be upfront with him about his diet and the health implications of a shitty one.

If this was the other way around there would be outrage.

There would, and I don’t see why there should be. Why would anyone, male or female, want to maintain a status quo of their partner fancying them less for sake of not acknowledging their weight. Plus, virtually every person I know who has lost a significant amount of weight has said that one of the key motivating factors in deciding to do so was actually being told that they were overweight by somebody, after years of everyone dancing around the subject and helping them to pretend they were just curvy or “UK average”.

Being slightly overweight doesnt necessarily put him at any increased disease risk. Maybe if he continues to put weight on or if he has underlying health issues you havent mentioned.

Do you think he doesnt realise hes gained weight? IME most people realise. Pointing it out isnt helpful. Going to the gym inconsistently wont help. Generally when people increase their exercise they decrease "NEAT". Improving his diet and increasimg general activity will probably be more effective- spending less time sitting, etc. Maybe suggest you to for a walk every day after/dinner before? It will give you some time to connect, too. I think you also need to spend some time reflecting on what you love about DP and realise that being as fit as the next guy at the gym isnt whats important. Everyone has their faults.

Im slightly overweight, gained through stress eating during final year of postgrad course. I already do a lot of exercise (7+ hrs a week). My DP is supporting me losing weight by coming out for additional evening walks for me when he is around, and also by eating healthier around me (he could eat what he wanted, hes slim, but know its difficult for me if he is eating foods Im trying to limit).

Hes never told me to lose weight, just supported me with what I want. Tbh even though I want to lose some fat, if he told me he wanted me to Id be seriously considering getting rid. Wait for your DH to want it for himself and then support him.

Genuine question..

If DH maintained weight, but got very fit, would you be more attracted to him? Good way of discerning what the issue is. There are plenty of overweight men and women out there who are still running marathons, finishing Ironmans, swimming the channel....is it the fitness or weight?

Well how overweight are we talking?
My ExH, many moons ago, put on loads of weight.
I still loved him because I love HIM!
Not necessarily what he looked like.
If you are into looks though and he's not floating your boat anymore, then you can end it and find a nice fit healthy bloke and hope to god the same doesn't happen to him (or you for that matter)

Fair enough if he was dangerously overweight and he was endangering his life! But just slightly with a bit of a belly is nothing! My fiancé is very slightly overweight (he mainly is slim) and has a bit of a belly and I just think he is extremely sexy and I have never been more attracted to a man in my life.

Nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel. You can't force yourself to be attracted to what you're not.

Has he always been this way with little exercise and bad eating habits? If so, he's very unlikely to change now. Or if he does, it'll be either temporary or with lingering resentment.

If someone isn't into fitness and eating healthy when you start dating them, you can pretty much expect that they'll put on weight at a steady rate over the years. If that sounds unappealing... then you should pay more attention to someone's lifestyle when you first get involved with them.

There isn't really any way of sugar coating this, so you might as well just be honest - 'I'd find you more attractive if you were in better shape'. You can't demand or expect a change... only express how you're feeling. What he does next is up to him.

You've gone wrong by saying you are eyeing up other men in the gym. If you would of said you were worried for his health at the start you maybe of got more support.

You also say he's 'slightly' over weight. So basically he's not huge and massively obese is he? He's got a bit of a belly but so what?

He's probably perfectly happy with the way he is, leave him alone.

Oh dear. You’re in for a blasting OP

To the posters moaning at the OP - get real! Everyone is entitled to have their own taste. Generally speaking there isn’t anything attractive about being overweight and the op is entitled to feel the way she does and there’s nothing wrong with that

So what she eyes up other men at the gym? Are you saying you don’t look at attractive men? just because she’s looking doesn’t mean she’s gunna do anything more!

Him not making an effort shows a lack of respect for himself and you. I mean, why wouldn’t you take care of yourself? Why would you risk your partner being turned off by your appearance? He doesn’t care..

Just be up front. Just tell him you’ve noticed he’s put on weight and you’re concerned about his health. If he doesn’t take it seriously tell him it isn’t attractive!

Oh wow a person putting on a wee bit of weight is disrespectful to their partner? My hubby put on a wee bit of a pot belly after becoming a dad, women gain weight when they hit menopause around their tummies sometimes, to say nothing about pregnancy (3 large babies has completely decimated my abdominal muscles). Its perfectly fine not to be attracted to someone if their appearance changes, perfectly fine to be concerned for their health and wellbeing. What is not okay is to say that their body changing shows a lack of respect for anybody, how pigging selfish.

I think you're quite rude tbh

OP - having and maintaining a mutual attraction is important. And if something controllable gets in a way if it - a couple should be able to talk about it. Absolutely nothing wrong with it.
It’s no different to if he stopped washing; or brushing his teeth; or filling up on garlic before kissing you.
It’s a controllable thing. Although it takes more effort.

So - if you want to have the relationship continue - you need to talk to him. Worst thing you can do is bottle it up and lose the attraction even more, then the connection suffers and the relationship worsens as a result.

"Its got to the point where I don't find him attractive and i find myself looking at fitter heather men in the gym wishing my husband was like them."

Your concern is not his health!

I think there is a huge difference between someone gaining a little weight and putting on so much that it entirely changes the way that they look.

If you are only attracted to the perfect gym body, that does suggest that your attraction is based on very superficial things. On the other hand, say someone put on 3 stone + (male or female) then it would change their whole shape and attraction is at least somewhat physical.

OP, I think you can try and encourage your husband to drop weight to feel better in himself but if you are only attracted to the perfect gym bod, then working on yourself would probably yield better results.

I don't believe it is about his health. I also don't know how you say it without offending. I also don't know if you did say whether it would work.

If he has trousers that no longer fit could you ask him if he wants to throw them out or if he plans to get back into shape? Then if he says he plans to get back into shape, say what is holding him back, does he need more time, can you support him with not enabling any bad habits?

OP you are getting flamed here but I think it’s brave of you to be so honest. My ex used to tell me he preferred me with shorter hair...people have preferences, that’s just realistic. I love my husband too but he swings in weight. Do I prefer it when he’s more in shape, probably a little, do I prefer it when I’m more in shape, hell yes. Would I ever go back to my super fit ex. Nope.

I don’t have any advice on how to address it with your husband aside from either starting an activity together or being honest with him. You’re married. You need to be able to be honest with each other.