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Original poster

Just because you can't do anything, it doesn't mean I can't

51 replies

Boobiedo · 26/07/2018 05:49

I'm EBF DC2 (7 weeks old) and very much struggle to leave the house on my own without atleast one DC.

DH has a few hobbies/commitments which he has done much less of since DC2's birth, however he's still able to do things on his own and has done 3-4 times since his birth.

DH has wanted to spend a whole day (12 hours) enjoying one particular hobby this weekend. I however, dont particularly want to be at home all day with 2 young children at weekends when DH could be taking 50% of the strain.

I think that for a few months, it may be that we both can't do our hobbies, but as DC2 gets bigger, we will be able to again. I can't help feeling resentful if DH gets to carry on with his hobbies if I can't do mine at the moment. I said this to DH and he responded with the line that titles this thread.

Do you agree?

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 26/07/2018 06:37

12 hours for a hobby? Hmm he needs to solo parent when he can to give you some 'time off' too.

Tarlu · 26/07/2018 06:43

My x was like this. He'd disappear off on his motorbike for hours. Leaving me with two DC under 3.

He just didn't care how hard it was for me though. I was telling him clearly and he didn't care. So that clarified things.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 26/07/2018 08:03

I don't think parents should have to give up hobbies when children come along unless it was a joint one where somebody else would have to be involved with the childcare.

Presumably he works all week so can't do anything then so I'd not begrudge him a day of his hobby. I wouldn't be impressed if DH thought I shouldn't do anything just for me on my day off. As long as he's home at other times so that you can go any do a hobby etc for yourself I don't see an issue with this.

Shoxfordian · 26/07/2018 08:06

He doesn't understand the necessary sacrifices that should be involved in being a parent. Why should it automatically be only your job to care for your children? He's selfish.

Frouby · 26/07/2018 08:12

Its fine for him to do 12 hours away from his dcs. And you. No matter how much you struggle with a new baby and another dc. Because he is a manz innit?

Write down his time away on the calendar. Your baby won't need you so much eventually. Introduce expressed milk in a bottle as soon as you can. Get a stash of frozen bm together.

The minute you have enough write down on the calendar your 12 hours. Or 24 hours. Or 132 hours, whatever he owes. Tell him it's his turn and wave a cheery bye as you fuck off to do your thing for 12 hour blocks.

Make sure he knows what shit needs doing in the house as well as looking after the dcs. No one wants to walk in after 12 hours hard hobbying to piles of pots and washing and no food on the table.

We are in 2018 after all.

Original poster
Boobiedo · 26/07/2018 08:12

Boxsets I can't do any hobbies at all at present as said upthread as I'm EBF and baby feeds unpredictably and constantly at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boobiedo · 26/07/2018 08:16

Frouby I'm in the process of building up a stash but as DC2 is constantly on the boob I fear not leaving enough milk. Also finding time to pump is hard as he can feed so close together I worry about pumping away all his milk.

OP posts:
Mookatron · 26/07/2018 08:18

What is the hobby? Can DC1 go along? (!)

Original poster
Boobiedo · 26/07/2018 08:19

In a few weeks time pumping and building a stash will be much easier then we can start sharing out the shifts better. I feel as though DH could just wait until then when it's easier for the both of us.
Feel there's a lack of team spirit.

OP posts:
BrownTurkey · 26/07/2018 08:21

Tell him to get his priorities straight otherwise you will be deprioritising him forthwith. Even in the sixties my fil was endlessly pushing the baby around the park to give mil a break.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 26/07/2018 08:21

Why can't he have time off at all?

I EBF for a year each, and I am still making up for all the time off I am "owed" Wink...the kids are teens now Grin I went on three "girls" weekends this year alone

Your time will come

Original poster
Boobiedo · 26/07/2018 08:22

I'm not comfortable with DC1 going too due to the nature of the hobby and the large crowds. DH would not be able to watch him properly and race himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boobiedo · 26/07/2018 08:23

Thanks Peanut... good to hear :) I shall look forward to my time!

OP posts:
Katgurl · 26/07/2018 08:23

Your baby is 7 weeks old and he wants to spend an entire day out doing his hobby after you've been in the house all week?!

I would castrate him.

Joysmum · 26/07/2018 08:23

I did EBF and a mix of expressed (which was hard) and formula so that my DH could get the joy and bonding of feeding our DD and could get some time to myself.

So glad I did this and she supported me in any time I got to myself as he relished his time with our DD. As time went on and she started on food, that was even better for him. He’d always wished to do more and no matter how good he was with her, if I was there the dynamics changed and she always looked to me first. It gave him the chance to feel wanted and needed by her.

In short, to me the mix of EBF and expressed/formula had so many advantages and still retained the advantage of breast is best. I’m glad we did what we did and took the time to introduce the occasional bottle when required Smile

Slanetylor · 26/07/2018 08:24

What ages are your other child/children? I understand you need to be st home to care for baby but are you also trying to care for busy demanding toddlers? Just because your at home, it’s not automatic that you need to do all the home duties too. If you are shattered from caring for baby, no way do you need extra work. He’s been working Monday to Friday!? Ehhhh so have you. He can help you out now and I suggest you ask him to. Things like this can be the start of long term bitterness.

BrownTurkey · 26/07/2018 08:25

And it sounds so misogynist and blaming hes almost saying ‘you chose to ebf, so you brought it on yourself’ rather than supporting a joint choice to have a child and do the best job of raising them. Selfish. I feel angry for you. I would be telling all his friends and family his pov.

MarthasGinYard · 26/07/2018 08:26

As a one off I'd be ok with this.

Original poster
Boobiedo · 26/07/2018 08:27

Eldest child is 3.5

OP posts:
Frouby · 26/07/2018 08:30

There is a lack of team you are right OP. I had this with now DH when ds was tiny and ebf. Dh wasn't cruel or nasty or anything, just spectacularly missed the point that I was a bit fucking stuck under a bfing baby for 6 months while his life carried on.

Ds was a bottle refuser too so no point in pumping either and no real light until he was weaned.

Is his hobby one he can put to one side for a short time?

We compromised after I had a massive meltdown. And as soon as I could feasibly leave ds for a few hours I made sure I picked my hobby back up and left them to it.

It's hard. But dh did work bloody hard. I worked bloody hard too, probably harder in the first year but I wasn't planning on going back to work and now ds is at full time school so I have 30 hours a week where I can fit my hobby around my work from home job while dh leaves the house at 6am and isn't home until 5pm. So over the years it has evened itself out again.

12 hours is a pisstake though. Unless it's a very one off thing.

Okki · 26/07/2018 08:30

My DH was great with helping out during the week so I didn't mind him having his own time for some of the weekend. However if your DH doesn't help out with children and stuff when he's home, I wouldn't have time to cook dinner for example as after all, just because you can't doesn't mean he can't now does it. However, 12 hrs is taking the mickey. Are you getting much sleep?

Original poster
Boobiedo · 26/07/2018 08:33

He probably only does the hobby once a month but it is always 12 hours. He has other hobbies too... golf being one which also seems to take quite a few hours!

OP posts:
Cambionome · 26/07/2018 08:35

For the first few months it's all hands on deck with a new baby. After that, once everything has settled down (and you are no longer ebf) you can start to discuss spending a bit more time on hobbies for both of you.

In the meantime, he is being very unsupportive. The feeling of resentment that built up in me because of my exh behaving like this was awful and contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. Tell him how you feel; this is a time for teamwork. The time for 12 hours at a time spent on hobbies will come much later.

Anawi · 26/07/2018 08:36

I hear you! I've had 3, all exclusively bfed until 6 months. The first especially fed erratically and frequently and I couldn't leave her, she refused s bottle totally until 9 months and yes I could technically have left her regardless but I would have been so worried and distracted that it wouldn't have been worth it emotionally!
Maybe it is unreasonable but I don't really care but I did expect my OH to stay home more during those early months each time and to do his bit. Yes he had been at work all week, but I had been looking after a tiny demanding baby and one or two others all week too and whilst that's different from work it's still demanding and draining and I was as much in need of help/a break from it than he was. I wouldn't have minded him goung off for a run or a quick gym trip but yes I would have found a 12hr trip out unreasonable when I had a 7wk old, unless it was something like a family wedding! It's not like it's forever is it, just a few short months out of a lifetime whilst your baby is tiny.

Okki · 26/07/2018 08:38

How much time did he spend on his hobbies when your DC1 was a baby?