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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just because you can't do anything, it doesn't mean I can't

51 replies

Boobiedo · 26/07/2018 05:49

I'm EBF DC2 (7 weeks old) and very much struggle to leave the house on my own without atleast one DC.

DH has a few hobbies/commitments which he has done much less of since DC2's birth, however he's still able to do things on his own and has done 3-4 times since his birth.

DH has wanted to spend a whole day (12 hours) enjoying one particular hobby this weekend. I however, dont particularly want to be at home all day with 2 young children at weekends when DH could be taking 50% of the strain.

I think that for a few months, it may be that we both can't do our hobbies, but as DC2 gets bigger, we will be able to again. I can't help feeling resentful if DH gets to carry on with his hobbies if I can't do mine at the moment. I said this to DH and he responded with the line that titles this thread.

Do you agree?

OP posts:
InfiniteCurve · 26/07/2018 08:44

What he seems to be saying is that you can't do anything because you are parenting,particularly your baby - but that's nothing to do with him.
Which is a load of **.
He works during the week,you do childcare,at the weekends you work out how you both get some downtime,that shouldn't mean you tied to the house and him doing whatever he fancies.
Is he on board with the breastfeeding though - was it a mutual decision?

timeisnotaline · 26/07/2018 08:49

I have a 7week old and a 3yo. Dh went to the football a few weeks before baby was born as he knew he wasn’t going to take a day out for a few months . He goes to work during the day but I work all day and most of the night, if he thought he was owed 12 hours off on the weekend I’d wake him every time I wake up until he apologised.

If your dh stays a dickhead and goes can you take Sunday ‘off’? Off means you feed the baby and that’s it. Nappy changes, meals, dishes, 3yo entertaining- that’s his for Sunday. You nap, go for a peaceful coffee, have a long bath, read the paper. Tell him that’s what the plan is.

Original poster
Boobiedo · 26/07/2018 08:51

He thinks the BF is brilliant as it's saving us so much money in comparison to formula fed DC1.

Okki: he spent tons of time on hobbies with DC1. He even went away for a whole weekend when DC1 was 6 weeks old for the sake of his hobby, along with other trips away that year, one being a stag do abroad! Needless to say we almost separated.

He has improved greatly since DC1 but we're still not really 'there' yet when it comes to us being in it together. He is having to do most of the cooking and bedtime though as I'm stuck to DC2 for hours at that time each day. I wouldn't mind so much if he was emotionally supportive but he stares at me blankly when I'm upset because I can't get up off the sofa for feeding.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 26/07/2018 09:00

You need to really, seriously spell it out to him how you feel or this will be an absolute killer for your relationship.

He is a selfish, thoughtless twat! Angry

Slanetylor · 26/07/2018 09:07

Why do you have to get off the sofa for feeding? Can he not bring baby to you?

I’m sorry but if getting off the sofa is difficult, whether it’s tiredness or pain, there’s no way you should be expected to care for a baby and a 3.5 year old!!!

Doingreat · 26/07/2018 09:18

@Slanetylor i think op means she is glued the sofa due to hours spent breastfeeding baby.

Op your husband is being an arse. The first few months are the hardest. He needs to be practically and emotionally supportive. He is a dad now not a single man. Arguing your point must be exhausting though.

Slanetylor · 26/07/2018 09:19

Oops yes of course!
Still, not ideal when there’s a toddler on the loose!

Original poster
Boobiedo · 26/07/2018 22:04

Arguing my point has become soul destroying at times. Its a fight to prove my right to be cared for as his equal partner.

OP posts:
Doingreat · 27/07/2018 19:07

Op it's a crap deal if you have to fight to be treated as an equal.

I would say leave him but it's easier said than done with kids etc. You have a newborn baby and a toddler and an arse of a partner. In your situation 2 things might help. Firstly, stop doing things for him such as his washing and ironing etc. Let him fend for himself. Disengage with him till he realises he's in the wrong and changes his behaviour.

Secondly, do one nice thing for yourself each day to nurture your health and well-being. Be it 5 minutes of mindfulness. Or painting your nails. Reading and enjoying looking at pics of a travel book. Sorry I know that's a pathetic list. But what I mean to say is that it should be something you do consciously just for you.

Cambionome · 27/07/2018 19:25

Stand your ground op - you will massively regret it if you don't!

Original poster
Boobiedo · 29/07/2018 04:09

He has commented now that on the occasions he goes out he can't enjoy himself because I ask him to come home by a certain time. This is usually the DCs bedtime as I struggle to do it alone at present due to the cluster feeds around that time. I replied that I don't get to go out at all and don't see the big deal in asking him to come home at a particular time at the moment.

I know hes being selfish and not working with me as part of a team, but he still manages to make me feel guilty!

OP posts:
Bumpitybumper · 29/07/2018 05:07

Don't waste your already limited time and energy felling guilty, you know that he already has the better deal and he is pushing his luck further in the hope he can put even more of the childcare burden on you.

He is probably feeling resentful that he is being forced to sacrifice his hobbies and childfree time to stay at home but unfortunately for him that is a reality of parenting. He has somehow cast himself in a supporting role where his presence is optional whilst you are the mandatory parent that should facilitate his life and enable him to do what he likes. He therefore blames you for repressing him rather than accepting that he has exactly the same obligation to his DC that you do and it is in fact his responsibility to his DC that is curtailing his lifestyle, not you. You are no more their parent than he is and don't let him make you feel that he is more entitled to free time, hobbies or anything else than you are.

Original poster
Boobiedo · 29/07/2018 05:18

Its true Bumpity. He blames me for curtailing his lifestyle and not his responsibilities. But he compares himself to others he knows who get more free time than he does. I often tell him I feel like I have 2 young children and a rebellious teenager as opposed to an equal partner.

OP posts:
OrchidInTheSun · 29/07/2018 05:38

He sounds like an utter twat

usernameismyusername · 29/07/2018 05:42

What do you get out of this relationship?

Sally2791 · 29/07/2018 05:54

My ex resented looking after dc when asked him to do a 2 hour stint once or twice each weekend between BF so that I could do my hobby. He told me that I was a parent now, and should accept that I couldn't do my hobby anymore. He carried on doing his,evenings out etc. I did refuse to give it up as I needed 2-4 hours a week off! They can be scarily selfish

eggncress · 29/07/2018 06:06

You may as well be a single parent.
Insist on him taking a turn to stay at home while you go out and enjoy yourself ( for 12 hrs)

fuddle · 30/07/2018 13:21

My ex left me one weekend with a 3 yr old 2 yr old and a five day old baby crying, he was supposed to be on paternity leave and I asked him not to go.... Selfish. You maybe able to cope with it but you never forget it and its the kind of thing that breaks relationships.

thethoughtfox · 30/07/2018 13:37

If you need him at home to help, that's a different matter but when you say 'I can't help feeling resentful if DH gets to carry on with his hobbies if I can't do mine at the moment.' You are being unfair and a bit spiteful.

fuddle · 30/07/2018 17:45

No he's being mean he should talk about it support you care about how you feel. Selfish git.

Cambionome · 30/07/2018 19:57

FFS thoughtfox - it's his child too! Marriage is meant to be a partnership, not one person swanning off because they feel like it!

Did you miss the fact that she is breastfeeding almost constantly and looking after a young dc?

Heatherjayne1972 · 30/07/2018 20:07

My ex went out every day all day and most evenings for the first three months of my daughters life including weekends
It’s true you never forget selfishness like that
Apparently he ‘didn’t need to do anything around the house ‘ because I was ‘off work’

Hope you can get it sorted op

Kaykay06 · 30/07/2018 20:17

It’s not great, my ex went back to work after paternity leave with ds4, so did 7 nights then a day or 2 off then 7 days 2 days off and 7 backshifts, I didn’t bf ds3 but did with ds4, it’s really hard going when they cluster feed at dinner time, until your baby is older if he can be there to support you he should. My ex couldn’t but really wanted to (and did help) when he was there, I was knackered.

Ask him to make a sacrifice until this baby is older and the feeding isn’t quite so intense, it does get better, he will get time for his hobby. But you need the opportunity to have some you time too, I remember feeling like little more than a feeding vessel at times - loved bf but it could get quite overwhelming and he didn’t take a bottle so I was it as far as feeding went.

Good luck and hope things improve - Flowers

Original poster
Boobiedo · 30/07/2018 21:58

I've followed some posters advice and taken half the day "off" today and just fed baby then handed him back to DH.

It's been nice to have some time to myself, even if I did tidy up during most of it. Made me realise just how much I'm the one holding the baby. DH hasn't complained and has just gotten on with it, however he's been extremely quiet with me all day as if there is something on his mind. I so wish I could feel he was giving me his deepest, happiest blessing to take a bit of time to myself. I could be over-analysing, but I don't understand why he's been so off with me all day.

OP posts:
Doingreat · 30/07/2018 22:24

Well done OP. It's essential for you to take some time off from baby.
Ignore him being quiet. It's his baby too.

Xx

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