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Original poster

Revenge vs the high ground

35 replies

Storm4star · 25/07/2018 23:01

My ex was abusive, manipulative, a cheating bastard and so on, you get the idea! I don’t want to go into what it is, but he’s asked me to do something that is not an issue for me at all, wouldn’t cause me any hardship etc, but will cause him problems if I don’t do it. I could take the view that just cos he was a bastard doesn’t mean I need to stoop to his level and be a bitch and say no. Or I could say no, why should I do anything that will help him after what he did to me.

I’ll be honest, i’m Leaning towards saying “no, fuck you” lol. But is there anything i’M missing in “being the bigger person”? I just feel that revenge will feel better than than giving him what he wants! We don’t have kids together or anything so no one else will suffer if I say no, only him.

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 25/07/2018 23:03

I am a high ground kind of person.

I'd say no.

That's because I would assume he will find some way to abuse and manipulate me over this favour.

No contact is the best way.

8FencingWire · 25/07/2018 23:05

It’s not that. It’s the fact that he still occupies head space, that he is still involving you in his crap. I would not het involved.
HTH

QuinionsRainbow · 25/07/2018 23:05

Some people say "don't get mad, get even!". Don't know whether that helps in your situation.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 25/07/2018 23:07

Looking good is the best revenge 🙂

Original poster
Storm4star · 25/07/2018 23:09

Thank you all, that does help. I think i’ve Been beating myself up a bit that I should want to help someone and not be mean, as if that makes me a bad person if I don’t help. But I really don’t want to help him!

OP posts:
Mum35x · 25/07/2018 23:10

I always wonder this too

Doyoumind · 25/07/2018 23:13

What the hell does it matter what he thinks of you? You don't need to do him a favour so don't. He's not your friend so don't treat him like one. If you do it he will think that means anything that's happened in the past is ok and I'm sure it isn't.

DameFanny · 25/07/2018 23:14

I think anyone who's not manipulative, vicious etc has more than enough high ground without having to do favours for people they dislike. You don't have to prove anything to you or him, or put yourself out in any way.

fuzzywuzzy · 25/07/2018 23:15

Nah I wouldn’t.

I’d also change phone number and delete and block him on everything so he can’t ever contact me again.

Don’t be there for him to use you, you’re not together you have no obligation to help him out ever. If he needs you he should have been nice to you in the first place. He’s burned his bridges.

RabbitsAreTasty · 25/07/2018 23:16

It is OK to not help him.

It does not make you a bad person.

It makes you an ex.

Ohyesiam · 25/07/2018 23:16

I like the moral high ground, but I’m not sure that’s what you’ve got here.

He s the one who created all the bad feeling between you with what he did. You not wanting to help him out is a natural consequence of his behaviour.
I’m finding it hard to articulate why I don’t think you need to help him, but that is part of it.

Barbaro · 26/07/2018 00:42

Would you help a complete random stranger out in the same way?

I wouldn't, so don't bother helping him. He's an adult, he can fend for himself, he just can't be bothered, he thinks you'll jump to attention. Ignore him.

SandyY2K · 26/07/2018 00:45

Not a chance I'd help.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2018 00:46

I like the moral high ground, but I’m not sure that’s what you’ve got here.

Completely agree. The moral high ground is deciding not to cress his carpet and prawn his radiators. Not doing favours for him. That's when you are growing a handle on the side of your head you mug.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 26/07/2018 01:19

I agree, this is not a revenge circumstance.
Saying “no” is not being mean. It is establishing a boundary that is necessary to protect yourself from his behavior. You broke up for a reason. There is no guilt here for you; it is all on him.

Also, this is a slippery slope. Little bit by little bit. If you do this one little (perhaps?) thing for him, then he will ask for something a little bigger and say if you did the other then you won’t have any problem doing this too. And then something else a little bigger still will come up and since you did the other two, he can count on you to do this one too. It will get harder and harder to say no. The shaming will get deeper and deeper and just wear you down: you know it is all manipulation. Nip it in the bud- don’t even start down this path,

Do a favor for “me”. Then he owes you. He will pester you to pay you back, undoubtedly with something that benefits his as well, if not more than you.
M A N I P U L A T I O N

Aww, he will be inconvenienced, poor diddums. Nope, not your problem. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Practice saying “no”. Out loud.
Three “no”s fast: no-no-no will indicate this is not debatable.

He is an ex. He doesn’t get to use you any more. It is time for him to use someone else.
“Use someone else” is another good response to practice. And it is pretty much a conversation stopper too.

eve34 · 26/07/2018 07:16

I had this with my ex. Wanted my help. To be honest I didn't want to. And it would of meant spending time with him which I couldn't cope with at the time.
I drew a line in the sand. He made it clear I wasn't in his life anymore. Therefore why should I put myself out for him.
It wasn't easy. But I'm glad I stood my ground. He is not your friend anymore. I wouldn't bother.

HeyDolly · 26/07/2018 07:19

Why are you still in contact?

I’d politely say no and block him.

MinaPaws · 26/07/2018 07:22

You are allowed to say no to him. You don't have to give a reason or feel guilty. Saying no to any request however small from an ex-manipulator does not show you up to be a mean person. It shows your self defenses are well in place, as they should be.
I'd say no.

FYC · 26/07/2018 07:24

Yes, not doing this isn’t a revenge thing, it’s a neutral thing. Doing it would be a “positive” or kind thing. Not doing it is just not doing it.

You owe him nothing. I would not be investing my time and effort (no matter how small) to make his life easier with no benefit to me.

Not doing it is not a bad thing. Doing it could open an enormous breach in your boundaries. Say no now. Shore up those boundaries and keep them strong. You still have the high ground either way (no matter what he says).

MinaPaws · 26/07/2018 07:25

There's a psychology behind this and it is controlling. It goes: What I ask of you appears small, appears so insignificant that you are the mean one if you dney it, so you must obey me and do it, and that's how I keep you under my control. I will continue to have a hold on you by asking small things of you until you are desensitized to these demands, and then I will up them, and then I'll gradually phase in stuff that is incrementally more challenging for you and then I'll do something that proves how completely insignificant you are to me, peasant.

user1483387154 · 26/07/2018 07:26

I would say no and remind him you are not together anymore

category12 · 26/07/2018 07:27

It kind of depends what it is. But on face value, it's not revenge, it's a boundary.

eggncress · 26/07/2018 07:35

Agree with everyone not to help and @Minapaws has hit nail on head.
The very act of him asking you for a favour is manipulation in itself.
You owe him nothing and best block him.

Chocolate123 · 26/07/2018 07:36

I wouldn't help him and I wouldn't feel bad about it either. I bet he wouldn't help you if you needed it.

Jeezoh · 26/07/2018 07:37

If you were asking him for the favour, do you think he’d do it? I’m guessing he wouldn’t.

Regardless of that, he’s an ex and you don’t owe him anything so I’d say no and not give it another thought.