Putting the brakes on - am I being an arse?

[Incarnationsofunderstanding]

I’m just starting to date again after a bad experience, not entirely sure what I want other than someone nice to spend time with.

Anyway met someone, we get on well, he makes me laugh, seems solid, fairly down to earth, a nice guy. Fairly different backgrounds in terms of work (trade Vs professional), and ways of speech (he’s a bit of a hun) but there is something there that makes us click

However he’s a future planner he’s very clear that while we are just getting to know each other he wants someone to be with forever, that he really likes me and that there is no reason it can’t go there. Yesterday he FB friended me, I know he had already looked me up before we met. He tells me how amazing I am, talks about spending loads of time together etc. Etc.

My barriers have shot right up, said this morning I wasn’t doing the FB thing, I wanted to get to know him in RL not digital dive into each other’s lives, in reality my head went to “if he knows everything he can manipulate anything”.

So I want to sense check on here if I’ve been rude, if my barriers are a result of natural caution or warped by past experience?

Oh and it’s only been 2 weeks - 4 dates!

I'm always a bit wary of someone trying to push the pace, specially with lots of complements. I'm always wondering why.

He can FB friend you and if that's not what you are ready for, then don't friend him back. If he says anything, you can just say that you aren't on it that much and then move the conversation on. You don't have to justify why yourself but you could always tell him you are not ready to do that yet. If he is a decent bloke, he'll understand your feelings.

I think it’s a combination of him coming on too strong and your past history.
That said - doesn’t matter why you feel barriers coming up.
This early on it should be all fun and getting to know each other.

Tell him. Tell him you like him and want to see how it all develops.

That would concern me after only 2 weeks!

I think you're fine to put your barriers up, and if he's the guy you hope he is then he'll accept them.

While its not uncommon to state when dating if looking for long-term rather than casual, It all seems bit full on for 4 dates in.

I vote natural caution on sensing it feels 'too good to be true' & possible future faking talk as its just too soon to feel honest yet, hence worry about using FB info to manipulate you. He maybe just over keen but if you feel uncomfortable then its right to listen to that.

I think your instincts are spot on. That's way too much for 4 dates!!! You barely know each other.

Agree with museumum - put the brakes on and go at the speed YOU feel comforatble with. He'll wait for a while if that's what makes you happy and he's the real deal.

way too much too soon. Someone who gives a special place in your heart to you so quickly, can also take it away as quickly. People do fall in love quickly of course, but a person who is genuine would hesitate to talk of it so quickly. You have to be on your guard and take what he says with a boatload of salt.

Can I also give you a tip, since you said you had a bad experience? Don't divulge this to the new person you are dating. This way he would exactly know how to play you and earn extra points because he knows what your weaknesses and pain points are.

How can he possibly know, after just 4 dates, hat you are someone he can soend the rest of his life with?

After 4 dates, I'm pretty much just learning if this is someone I want to eat out in public with!

My DH was full-on within a few weeks, talking about plans months ahead etc. It freaked me out, I was seriously worried by it so I put him on a ban. He could plan up to a week ahead, not longer. It worked really well, he took it in good humour and we're now very happily married.

I'm with you. That's far too much too soon. Put the brakes on hard! Or derail the train completely!

Ok glad I’m not totally nuts! Fighting the female instinct not to be rude but lack of ability to shout my boundaries led to a bad place last time!

Keep that’s good advice! Thing is I do like him but I’m not “100% OMG you are the one” mainly because I’m not 12 anymore!!

And I’m never going to get to know if it could grow into more as this is making me overthink every flaw he may have for the future and count myself out!!

My DH is still a mad romantic, he's lovely, he was worth reining in at the start. Your one may be the same, or may not be, but I wouldn't write him off. I'd been really badly hurt before so my trust was very low.

Well he didn’t respond all day yesterday then messaged at night and seemed fine about it, just brushed it off. But now I’m paranoid worrying that it had pan noted him (hence lack of contact) but he’s not admitting. And therefore is playing the long game.

To which I now conclude that this is probably all in my head and I’m not ready to be dating! Yet have no idea how to let him go gently, and it will make me sad to do so but living on high alert is nuts.

*had annoyed him

Not pan noted!

OP - are you sure you aren’t overcomplicating or overanalysing his actions.

End it if you don’t want to see him.
However, if you do like him and are just obsessing if what you said made him think you think he thinks.....etc - is silly
Just talk to him in person!!!
What is to lose?

I’d be put off by all that.

I think you need to separate out stuff that’s for you to deal with in your own head from stuff which is about navigating the interactions between two people.

This worry that you’ve offended him is in the former category. It’s your worries and anxieties and past histories speaking to you. Don’t let it affect your outward actions but do reflect on it because it’s yourself communicating meaningful reactions. If that makes sense.

Op i dont mean to be rude but can i ask a question, was your last relationship abusive?
The only reason i ask is because you sound like me about a year ago lol.
My relationship was intense, and full of wonderful highs, only matched by the extreme lows. It was full of manipulative mind games used to make me 2nd guess my instincts and cloud my judgement. Obviously it became abusive and ended in a very traumatic manner. I wont go on about it because this is your post not mine but i can see some striking similarities between how you are feeling and how i felt back then.
I thought ill casually date, nothing heavy just some normal adult male company. When in reality i now know i was looking for comfort and reassurance but in the wronvg way.
It was as though it all triggered everything my relatiinship had made me feel. I was jumpy, on high alert. Waiting for anything that indicated abuse. I was way out of my depth. I was petrified of being in that situation again but was almost picking men out who had red flags, it was as though i was tempting fate to put me in that situation again to test myself that i wouldnt fall for it a 2nd time. Tbh even now i dont know if the couple of men i dated were potential abusers or if i was just being sensitive because looking back i realise i was so traumatised my perception was so distorted.
Im sorry if i have got this wrong , i dont want to sound like im.projecting , its just a couple of things you said struck a very loud chord with me.
I realised quite quickly that i was too fragile to date, i wasnt ready and couldnt pretend i was in a normal situation or the real danger was i would fall in love with another abuser.
I went to a specialist therapist at a dv centre. She saved my life and my sanity.
I learned so much, it was hard but i had to acknowledge exactly what had happened to me and why i had enabled it (not allowed it but enabled it).
Over a year later and i do date, casually and im not rushing anything but its like my head is clear. I have firm boundaries and am 100% confident in exercising the consequences if they are crossed. I dont 2nd guess myself or talk my self round if something is making me uncomfortable. I know what i want, deserve and am not afraid to demand it or finalise things if they are not received.
Im sorry if i have got this wrong but if im correct its really important to get this stage or there is a huge risk of ending up in another destructive relationship. I feel like therapy gave me a toolbox, full of the things needed to recognise what is healthy and what is not.
This has little to do with who you date but more about who you are and being able to know what you want and what to do if its wrong.

Good post ALittleBitConfused. I've been there too. It is important to get your own head sorted first before dating again. Being clear about where your boundaries lie and what you are comfortable with is very much part of that.

How are you doing now Incarnationsofunderstanding?

Yes I think you are being a little oversensitive, to be honest. He FB-friended you after 2 weeks, that seems pretty innocuous.

Do you know why your mind jumped to him "digital diving into your life" and learning things so he can manipulate you?

Hey thank you, I think there are a few posts that strike a cord, my previous LTR was wonderful for the most but due to MH (his) issues ended up fairly emotionally manipulative, though not abusive as such.

After that i dated a little which was calm and innocent until I met a man who attacked me, don’t want to go into detail but it was horrific, it is currently with the police and I am getting help. He did I believe deliberately find out info to get in my head.

This is my first foray into dating since. I have told this person about that and he was very kind. He hasn’t pushed the FB thing, in fact so far other than being very full on about liking me a lot, missing me he hasn’t put a foot wrong. I’m coming to the conclusion that like me he is actually a little lonely and in need of some connection.

You've had 4 dates and he's planning your life together?! You don't know each other at all and from what I've witnessed the men who come on strong at the start do it to get their feet under the table quickly as they can only sustain the nice guy image for so long, so they need rapid results. Step away. Also, how come he looked you up on Facebook before he met you? I don't do fb so not sure how it works but I know there are privacy settings.

As in my PP, my DH was very full on at the start, he's managed to 'sustain' his nice guy image for over 6 years now, day in day out. He is an incredibly nice guy, he's very 'heart on his sleeve', when we met he was very lonely and I think he doesn't have much of a filter! I was all set to run at any hint of a red flag, given past experiences, so it took me a long time to let my guard down.

So coming back to this after a few days. I think I need to call it but feel awful and don’t know how!

We get on really well, speak every day but every time he slips up and says things that indicate living together/meeting kids and shit and I am sooooooooo not in that space.

I don’t want anyone in my home or near my kids until I have known them a very long time if ever.

But I think he’s lonely, we’ve really built it up taking all the time, I do genuinely like him and if it weren’t for the future yabber would continue to see him so how do I actually stop the train? Feel I may end up married by accident / politeness / not wanting to upset someone!!! Not even joking.