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Relationships

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Original poster

Did I expect too much and am I too sensitive?

28 replies

lizzedays · 25/07/2018 11:08

I'm single and going over my past relationship. I think I just want some views on it so that moving forwards I have a clearer mindset of what is and isn't ok and where I may be going wrong.

I always felt my ex wasn't always supportive, yet he claimed to be all the time. He had no time for people who were miserable (his ex had depression and he ended their relationship over that). My ex had his own problems, for instance in the past he has been seriously unwell. He never moped around and didn't see himself as a victim so I suppose he practised what he preached! However, there were times when I felt I just couldn't talk to him. One time I had a problem in my house which cost a lot of money to fix, I was in a state working out how to pay for stuff and was a bit quiet one morning. He called me weak and pathetic and he "didn't have time to talk about shit like that with me."

I know he had a point - what's the point in stressing about it! But I couldn't help how I felt and his comments just made me more upset and made me feel very alone. There were various examples of this, where I didn't feel I could share any concerns in case he deemed them ridiculous. Do I have a problem with being too sensitive? Do I expect too much?

OP posts:

Babdoc · 25/07/2018 11:11

You don’t have a problem with being over sensitive, you have a problem with your DP being emotionally unavailable and a selfish shit. Glad to hear he’s an ex. Keep it so!

Original poster

lizzedays · 25/07/2018 11:36

thanks for reply. he made me feel i was a "drama queen" on so many occasions when all i needed was a short chat. it was odd because he'd often talk about work stresses with me and i was expected to listen (and wanted to!)

OP posts:

SandAndSea · 25/07/2018 11:56

He doesn't sound nice at all. When someone cares about you, I'd say it's normal to support them through something like you've described. Eg. Listen to you, maybe give you a hug, make you a cuppa, take you out to cheer you up, help you think of solutions, etc. Not ad infinitum, of course, but enough to feel cared for.

Trinity66 · 25/07/2018 12:19

Yeah he doesn't sound like he'd be compatible with most people tbh.

Original poster

lizzedays · 25/07/2018 12:21

thanks for the response. i have thought about it loads since we broke up. his default position was always that i was too sensitive. ironically those comments when i was already feeling down or stressed would often make me cry, to which he would say "here come the waterworks."

the thing is, being critical of myself, i am an emotional person - i have feelings and i do benefit from a good chat with a partner or friend when something happens in life, big or small, because i am the sort of person who feels better with a plan, having talked something over - but i would never have said i was more emotional than the next person. he seemed to pride himself in being a hard person.

OP posts:

powerfulpig · 25/07/2018 12:36

He sounds dreadful. So cold. Please don't let this person make you question yourself. I'm sensitive and emotional. I think it's a good thing and would only want a relationship with someone who thought so to. And someone who is supportive. That's what we both deserve ☺️

Original poster

lizzedays · 25/07/2018 12:39

powerfulpig - he would say that he's most definitely not cold and (in his words) "will do anything to support the person he is in a relationship with." it was that sort of comment that made me question myself.

his ex had depression and he helped her try to stay in work, supported them both when she was out of work etc, but ultimately didn't want to be with her in the end and he divorced her after 1.5 years. i sometimes wondered if he felt fed up of supporting people and therefore had no patience with any small issues i may have had such as work or financial concerns etc.

OP posts:

Babdoc · 25/07/2018 18:57

Hmm, I wonder who made his ex depressed in the first place...!

Shambu · 25/07/2018 20:13

Just because someone says something doesn't mean it's true.

Thingsdogetbetter · 25/07/2018 20:17

Unless you've heard this from his ex herself, he is simply tell you HIS version to make himself look good and you look ungrateful. Look at the facts, he left his supposedly depressed wife within 1.5 years. Not exactly a supportive gesture was it?! He couldn't even manage TWO years of marriage. What a prince. Not.

SandyY2K · 25/07/2018 20:20

You weren't compatible at all. He's not one to give emotional support...Or he felt too drained after supporting his Ex and just won't do it anymore.

powerfulpig · 25/07/2018 21:17

Perhaps he entered a relationship with you without fully dealing with the impact that his exes depression had on him. His behaviour and words however, are a reflection on him not you.
In a healthy relationship you should be able to be yourself ( that includes the ups and downs). He was stopping that from happening.
I found therapy really helpful when I came out of a similar situation. It got it all out of my head and helped me reflect 😘

Anniegetyourgun · 25/07/2018 21:23

he helped her try to stay in work

Or, bullied her into staying?

supported them both when she was out of work

OK, paid the bills because the other partner had no income. And went on and on about it?

It would be interesting to know how his ex felt about his version of support.

"Here come the waterworks" is incredibly rude btw. He's just made you cry but is implying you are switching it on out of choice. Really doesn't sound like a caring sort of fellow at all, regardless of what he'd like to believe.

Original poster

lizzedays · 26/07/2018 09:39

thanks for the replies. just feeling really low about it - maybe i am just too sensitive and need a kick up the arse!

OP posts:

ICESTAR · 26/07/2018 18:22

You sound perfectly normal to me op. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all need an outlet x he just wasn't it. He sounds a selfish prick tbh.

Original poster

lizzedays · 26/07/2018 19:20

I second guess myself because he so often would profess to always be there for people, that was him, that was who he was, always supported people etc etc.

Just feel a bit lost. Maybe I am pathetic and weak - I did used to cry easily when I felt he wasn't interested, I guess no man likes that.

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Allfednonedead · 26/07/2018 19:32

He was talking bollocks. Someone who tells you how nice they are is highly unlikely to be nice.
And he clearly wasn’t prepared to support either you or his ex, so he was lying.

Original poster

lizzedays · 26/07/2018 20:08

He would say I made a drama out of things.

When we went away last, we were getting ready to go to the beach and before we left he asked if I had my make up. I said no. He said well we might stop for a drink on the way back, and it will be a nice place so you'll need make up. I said am I not acceptable without make up (in a jokey way) - he called me a drama queen and said not everything is a dig and that he expected I would want to wear make up and look nice.

That sort of stuff made me feel shit but he always said he was trying to be helpful.

OP posts:

Original poster

lizzedays · 26/07/2018 22:45

He would say I made a drama out of things.

That sort of stuff made me feel shit but he always said he was trying to be helpful.

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onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 26/07/2018 22:57

Sounds like my ex - the day I found out my 33 yr old younger sister was dying and I got upset and didn’t want to go to a party we’d been invited to that night he told me I was being a drama queen and that ‘shit happens’ and we were going and to ‘get over it’ bit that I wasn’t to discuss what was going on with anyone at the party as I’d ruin it for everyone else.
Much later after kids etc. we were on our way to a local bbq/ party at a friend’s house and I was worrying about drinking too much - I asked him not to fill my glass up repeatedly (which he commonly did) and he replied ‘Oh that’s right ... wreck the party before it’s even started!’
I could go on but I won’t except to say I’m not only happier since I left him - I feel totally liberated.

NeverLovedElvis · 26/07/2018 23:04

People who are genuinely nice don't need to tell you that they are nice.

ICESTAR · 26/07/2018 23:11

Helpful by being critical? He isn't. That's just nasty covered by so called nice.

He sounds really horrible and unbearable. Sounds like he's done a right number on yoi and wore down your self confidence. Almost been training you with this "observations" would some counselling help? Sounds like you could do with a safe outlet to let it all out as it sounds like you actually believe him because you keep putting yourself down. People like your ez don't like confident people and the pick pick pick eventually wears you down and has you questioning yourself. All disguised as concern of course. What an arse. You are well rid. xxxx

Onemorecup he sounds hideous. I'm so sorry about your sister. I'm so glad to hear he is an ex! Ladies you deserve so much better x

ICESTAR · 26/07/2018 23:12

You* sorry for any typos. I'm on my phone.

DaphneduWarrior · 26/07/2018 23:17

You sound human not oversensitive!

He sounds extremely unkind. I think kindness is massively important in relationships.

Original poster

lizzedays · 27/07/2018 11:09

He was just strict in what he thought was worth worrying about and didn't like people to make a fuss over nothing.

OP posts:

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