DP going on holiday with ex

[miamiibiza]

Hi.

I've been with my DP for a couple of months. I knows it's not a long time at all, but we get along so well, all the signs look good etc.

There's one problem. For the last year, her and her ex have been planning to go on holiday together to Italy in September. Nothing is booked yet, but they are talking a fair bit about getting it booked soon. My DP has booked annual leave in preparation (booked this before getting with me).

They talk everyday, and see each other regularly. My DP insists they are just friends, and that because they were in each other's lives for 9 years, they can remain as just friends easily.

Am I wrong to be worried about her going to Italy with her ex for 2 weeks?

We are both women if that is at all relevant.

Nope, not being unreasonable.

My DH's ex turned up for a weekend when we were first going out, thought she was insensitive even rocking up. Too right I delivered an ultimatum. He said he was more comfortable with her as they had a long, shared history. It makes sense to me now but I was more volatile in those days!

I know it's a tad more "close" as it's a smaller community. However, if you want exclusivity, then they really do have to not be so emotionally entwined...

Ask her how she'd feel if you booked a holiday to go away with your ex.

My DP has come round tonight. She's been as lovely as always, but has been messaging the ex a couple of times. Normally I don't let it bother me, but it's starting to really get to me. DP genuinely doesn't see an issue with it, maintains they are just friends and there's nothing in it. Will happily message in front of me, the messages are not anything dodgy - how was your day, did you win the football etc

That wouldn't fly with me OP...I would look for someone else!
She isn't respecting you and your feelings

What is the phrase...
There are too many people in this relationship.

Spending time with you, but then not really present as giving her attention to another- right in front of you. This is a fakey nice-nice brand of contempt. It is rude. It displays a fundamental lack of social intelligence to expect you to mesh in as an appendage to herself to “understand” or “get it” that this obsessive, living in each other’s pockets, friendship/relationship would not bother you. Are you an accessory or her pet?
She diminishes you, minimizes you, and dismisses you. Please do not be so desperate that you will tolerate anything.

Even without the holiday issue, why on earth would you want to stay with this person under these terms? No ultimatum, just say it isn’t working for you and go. There are worse things than being alone and being marginalized like this is one of them.

They are still very much in a relationship i'm afraid.
This must be awful for you .
Use the time while she's away to cut ties .
Be good to yourself , get your self a holiday or some treats you deserve one .

Just a thought, I hope you are not being used to make the ex jealous. Ex ended it and now has new partner, your DP could probably be jealous and using you.

I hope not

A two month relationship is too new, IMO, to plan your own hol away.

I know loads of women who are long term holidaying friends with their female ex partners, and I think, like it or not, that there can be a different long term dynamic with women exes than men.

And it would be bad for her to let down her friend.

If your relationship is strong and blossoming, it will be blossom, alongside her friendship with her ex.

If it is not, it won’t.

And it won’t add value to your developing relationship to give her an ulitimatum.

Tell her you will miss her, that you can’t help but feel a bit anxious / jealous, and have some confusion around loyalty and the strength of the ‘ex’ status, and take it from there. If she is sensitive and re-assuring, or blithe and uncaring will tell you a lot.

Being as your DP was the dumped party, it's possible she still carries a torch for her ex. It may well be purely platonic on the ex's side, but I'd worry it isn't on your dp's side. Also, in the early stages, I'd say texting any friends at all while on a date is quite rude. As PP said, you should merit her full attention.

I understand your concerns but exes can be friends.

I am good friends with most of mine.

I think though, at the end of the day if they wanted to be with each other then they would be and they would not have ended it?

I understand your concerns but exes can be friends

There’s a big difference between being friends, and investing more time and effort into a friendship than you do your relationship. There are limits!

Holiday time is precious why is she not spending it with her current partner .
Yes ex's can stay friends and that's good .
But a two week holiday in Italy while your girlfriend sits alone at home ???

How does the ex's new girlfriend feel about it?

I wouldn't stand for that, it's so disrespectful to you OP, she must know what you must be thinking . It shows she is totally disregarding your feelings and being very selfish

UPDATE:

My DP has told her ex that they won't be going to Italy together. And that contact needs to lessen as its not appropriate now she's in a new relationship.

The ex is not happy AT ALL.

I'm glad DP got to this conclusion without me really saying anything much.

Thank you to everyone that commented

It's probably in everyone's best interests that this has happened, even if the ex doesn't see that yet.

Good! Hope the EX gets the message soon