DP going on holiday with ex

[miamiibiza]

Hi.

I've been with my DP for a couple of months. I knows it's not a long time at all, but we get along so well, all the signs look good etc.

There's one problem. For the last year, her and her ex have been planning to go on holiday together to Italy in September. Nothing is booked yet, but they are talking a fair bit about getting it booked soon. My DP has booked annual leave in preparation (booked this before getting with me).

They talk everyday, and see each other regularly. My DP insists they are just friends, and that because they were in each other's lives for 9 years, they can remain as just friends easily.

Am I wrong to be worried about her going to Italy with her ex for 2 weeks?

We are both women if that is at all relevant.

Why can't you and ex's new girlfriend also go? Or change one of the tickets so just one couple goes. Agree it would be quite telling to see what the reaction is to these suggestions.

Another vote for cutting losses. The kind of relationship they have now will go on forever. They can't break up because they aren't together. I've seen it so many times.

Find someone completely available. I rarely speak so bluntly but I am sure here.

I think it would be fine if all 4 of you were going.
Relationships end, and sometimes a deep friendship comes thereafter, but these friendships include all other partners involved.
If it’s just the 2 of them, that’s not a great sign

Fuck that. Sexuality is no excuse for selfishness. If you were ok with it then fine. But you're not and I wouldn't be either. I'd let her go and find yourself someone else who respects you more x

You have told her you're not comfortable with it. I assume they booked it when they were both single? See what comes out of the meeting on Saturday.

For all you know it'll be a "listen this is awkward but our holiday seemed like a great idea when I wasn't attached... What does your girlfriend think? Mine is uncomfortable and I can't say I blame her."

They might come back with suggestions themselves; all four attend or just one couple goes.

If they don't then I'm sorry but I would echo pps who say cut your losses.

They haven’t even booked it!

Sorry if it is not even booked then... Well frankly my advice still stands. If your DP doesn't change this plan herself (you shouldn't have to ask as you've let her know you're uncomfortable) then walk.

I’ve had this done to me and as I read your post 15 years on I can still feel the hurt
I was taken advantage of ,walked all over , my feelings were not important , someone else’s feelings put before mine because they didn’t have the guts to accept their relationship was over and move on. It really really hurt . I was a doormat . It’s game playing and selfish and ignorant . Please have enough self respect to set boundaries NOW and say thanks but no thanks this is not how I wish to be treated . A break up actually hurts less .

My DH's ex is now in a lesbian relationship and it seems to be very much the norm in her wide friendship circle that exes stay in close contact so yes, in my own (admittedly limited) experience I would agree with Zeze247 that it's relevant that the couple in this situation are both women.

However OP this doesn't mean it's some kind of "rule" you have to be comfortable with and I would say YANBU to feel as you do.

I'd just end it. No need for ultimatums. Just say it's not quite going how you'd like.

I would say I'm not comfortable with this and cut my losses

Exs are exs for a reason. Unless you have kids, you have no reason to stay in touch and definitely no reason to go on holiday with them, especially alone.

They aren't proper exs, they are basically just seeing other people until they decide to fully commit to each other. I would get out of that quickly.

Just dump him.

I wouldn't be comfortable with this I'm afraid. I mean I suppose if you can still remains friends then that's not necessarily a bad thing but clearly they haven't detached from each other.

I went on one date with a guy once who mentioned he was still going on holiday with his ex - they did have children together - as they booked it before they split. That was enough for me. Fair enough for them but it wasn't something I was willing to get involved with.

Sad to say, your situation is worse than that. No dcs involved and they speak every day and.....they haven't even booked it yet.

You sound lovely op, I'd find someone that deserves you

The 4 of you all going together, slightly unusual but absolutely fine if everyone is ok with it. Just the two exes going away together, definitely not! If your girlfriend wants to go ahead with this holiday then I’d walk away and find someone that cares more about their current relationship than one that’s apparently ended.

Thank you so much to everyone that has replied.

Just a couple of answers to questions that came up - my DP's ex is a woman too. We are all women.

No, it's not booked. Only the annual leave has been booked, plans have just been spoken about. The intention to go has been there for a year.

Ultimatum wise, I just didn't want to say, or it come across like I'm saying, if you go then it's the end.

It makes me feel really sad to think of ending it. But I do agree it would make me really sad to watch her go on holiday with her ex.

The friendship thing does baffle me. I haven't really stayed friends with my exes, but I do know some lesbians that have/do. I'm trying to be relaxed about that, but I think her texting her ex, dying her hair, popping over etc, is a completely different ball game to going on holiday with her.

Thank you so much for replying, it is really helping me

Why are they ex's? Has she ever explained why they actually broke up? Seems very much an ongoing relationship to be honest.

I'd not be having that.

@headhurtstoomuch

The ex broke it off with her 2 years ago. They were on/off for a while, and now the ex is with a new partner.

The reason the ex gave was that she wasn't in love with her anymore. Just as her more as a friend

I think she's either very lacking in empathy, or is seeing if she can have it all ways. No one seriously thinks it's ok to go away for 2 weeks with a recent ex when in a relationship.
I agree with the PP who said suggest all 4 of you go - she should think that'd be great surely? If she wants to spend time with you, and there's absolutely nothing inappropriate between her and the ex. I suspect that won't be a good idea at all, but she won't be able to explain why .

Honestly, you deserve better OP, this is quite disrespectful.

OP do you know how the Ex's new partner feels about the Holiday

LTB - sorry - not worth it

@Gemini69

No I'm not sure. That's what made me think perhaps I'm being unreasonable, if the ex's new DP is fine, then maybe I should be too.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about it today. It's left me feeling heavy :(

Your DP can’t be so blind as to see that this is not acceptable. I don’t care which sex you all are-how is that relevant? You’re the partner, not the ex and of course her going off with her is going to make you feel weird, because it IS!

I agree, it doesn't matter wether it's a same sex couple or not. You've been together a couple of months - it's honeymoon period time. Not booking a holiday away with your ex time.

I remember when I met dh, I already had a holiday booked with my mum. By the time I went, we had been together 8 months. I was dreading being apart from him and so was he. I spent the whole holiday on the phone to him and my mum constantly had a go at me for acting like a teenager - I was 31 at the time and not ashamed to say it.

The fact this is hurting you so much makes me sad for you op. You seem lovely and I just don't think your oh deserves you