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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Got over two affairs - will be chsnge?

40 replies

Nofoollikeanoldfool · 25/07/2018 00:10

Long time poster- I'm in bits.
Married 12 years together 15. I am 3 years older than him.
My husband. We have survived 2 affairs - the last 4 years ago. He stopped drinking and swore it would never happen again. (He was 23 when we maried). I love him and He has had a very traumatic childhood. However i have found WhatsApp messages from a fenale colleague, very jokey (she's married) but seriously - 5 or 6 times a day including as soon as he wakes up ( how's Spain ! She's on a works trip as an example and piss taking photos of our night 🌙 out at an event last Saturday!I'm a fool like my family say (they hate him , he says we are Romeo and Juliet) . He says i am his anchor whereas my sister's say u need to leave ,,,,, in a mess. I love him .

OP posts:
Fivelittleduckies · 25/07/2018 00:25

have you asked him about this colleague? What does he say?

Is the pattern of behaviour similar to his previous affairs?

TinDogTavern · 25/07/2018 00:26

I’m sorry but no he won’t change. The fact that you “got over” two affairs tells him that he can do what he likes and there will be no lasting consequences. Your family are right. You’re not star cross’d lovers, you’re just married to a dick. I hope you find the strength to leave. Flowers you sound so unhappy x

SandyY2K · 25/07/2018 00:56

Why wouldn't he have a third affair?

You looked past the first 2. Presumably he saw you were hurt the first time and did it again?

His boundaries ate poor. Btw...that's 2 affairs you know about.

No consequences =I'll do it again. She loves me so much...she's not going anywhere.

PamsterWheel · 25/07/2018 01:02

That's a NO from me

PamsterWheel · 25/07/2018 01:07

He's full of bullshit.OP.

You're his anchor? More like his fucking doormat.

You love him. And? Love yourself first and foremost.

Messaging another woman as soon as he wakes up. He's not your man.

DianaT1969 · 25/07/2018 01:09

You thought he'd change after the first affair, or hoped he would? What is it that you love about him exactly?

MyBambi · 25/07/2018 01:16

Did he tell you about the other affairs or you had to catch him??

NonaGrey · 25/07/2018 01:17

So you caught him cheating twice in the first eight years of marriage?

And now he’s maintaining an inappropriate relationship with another woman?

Sad

I think that you caught him twice. I have to wonder how many other times he got away with it.

Romeo and Juliet loved each other. Romeo wasn’t shagging around on her.

It’s not for us to tell you what you should do, but I’d listen to your sister.

And go find a clinic for some tests.

ThisIsHistory · 25/07/2018 01:49

No.

He’s had two affairs you know of, there will be more under the radar.

My dad was like that. Cheated on my mum, hit her when she confronted him about it. When she kicked him out, he moved onto someone vulnerable enough to accept his infidelity. She was a single mum to three kids, struggling financially after two failed marriages- first husband absconded leaving her with a step-child to look after, second one was an alcoholic. She had the worst taste in men of anyone I’ve ever met.

He cheated on her til the day he died. She made a big show for “forgiving” him each time as a “good Christian wife” but you could have cut the atmosphere in that house with a knife.

HeebieJeebies456 · 25/07/2018 02:34

he says we are Romeo and Juliet

Romeo didn't cheat on Juliet - not even once.
Juliet killed herself just so she could be with him.

He's cheating on you for the THIRD time (that you know of) and will continue doing so because he knows you'll put up with it.

Is your life so worthless that you will sacrifice it - and for someone who blatantly doesn't love you?

ShatnersWig · 25/07/2018 09:09

I've never understood why women who have been cheated on TWICE, been devastated and hurt beyond belief, can even consider remaining with someone because "I love him"

No, sorry, you don't. You can't love someone who continually hurts you. You may be dependant on them in some way, but love is not hurting someone repeatedly and love is not being made to feel like shit repeatedly.

Please leave.

DieAntword · 25/07/2018 09:15

Once might be a one off mistake. Twice is a pattern.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/07/2018 09:16

This is something I found a while ago and it applies to you right now!

The more chances you give someone
The less respect they’ll start to have for you.
They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set
Because they’ll know another chance will always be given.
They’re not afraid to lose you because
They know, no matter what, you won’t walk away.
They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness.
Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you!

Stop putting up with this bullshit.
Life is too short.
Your family hate him. That should tell you a lot about the way he treats you.
Of course he will NEVER change.
Why the hell would he?
What happens next time? You forgive him again.
Where's his incentive to stop?
There is none.
So pick your self respect up off of the floor, along with your big girl pants and get away from this sleazy, creepy, cheating scumbag.
Time for YOU now.
You've put up with this for long enough.

PickledOnionPants · 25/07/2018 09:18

Everybody died at the end of Romeo and Juliet.

Original poster
Nofoollikeanoldfool · 25/07/2018 09:30

Thanks alll. I have hit rock bottom and can see clearer. The WhatsApp messages are the final straw. There's no hunt of a sexual relationship, but there are lots of them. And he was messaging her whilst out with me. I've given him 15 years. Hellsbellsmelons , Thank you. Wise wor

OP posts:
Original poster
Nofoollikeanoldfool · 25/07/2018 10:24

U have asked him about the work friendship - she fancies him and won't leave him alone. I don't believe this by the way

OP posts:
Fivelittleduckies · 25/07/2018 10:34

Ok so in light of your updates and in answer to your original question: will he change?

No. I definitely think he will not change.

Please make the decision that is best for you so you can move forward and be happy Flowers

Chocolate123 · 25/07/2018 10:44

He's never going to change. As long as you keep forgiving him he has to reason to. You've two options the first will be tough at first but you will get there without him. The second is to keep living like this which to me would be not a option. You deserve better now is the time to leave.

Chocolate123 · 25/07/2018 10:45

That should read no reason to change

hoopieghirl · 25/07/2018 10:52

I'm sorry but you married a player. How many other ONS or affairs that you might not know about!!! He is a dick and has zero respect for you. Dump his sorry arse x

bethy15 · 25/07/2018 10:56

Thanks alll. I have hit rock bottom and can see clearer. The WhatsApp messages are the final straw. There's no hunt of a sexual relationship, but there are lots of them. And he was messaging her whilst out with me. I've given him 15 years. Hellsbellsmelons , Thank you. Wise wor

There may not be any search because they may already be engaged in a sexual and emotional relationship, so they can just message in such a casual way. Why else would he be messaging this woman as soon as he wakes up?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/07/2018 14:07

Sorry but no, OP. I don't even think he does care if he does lose you. He's risked it before, risked it again and will do so in the future. The fault lies within him and there's nothing that you can do to protect your marriage. He has to want to do that - and he doesn't.

I'd be very surprised if it were only these two affairs also; somebody that needy for attention must be constantly 'on the hunt'.

The only thing you can do is protect yourself (from him), get out of this marriage and find somebody who will actually respect you enough not to shag around. Make sure that your boundaries wouldn't allow that ever again either.

I'm really sorry.

MariePoppins1 · 25/07/2018 14:21

He won't change. Painful as it is, better to cut your losses and move on

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 25/07/2018 14:25

I had a traumatic childhood too. It didn't turn me into a cheat.

If his way of dealing with his past trauma is to hit the self destruct button (drinking, affairs, whatever else you may or may not know about) then no, he wont change. Once you find someone who truly loves you you'll look back and think how the eff did I ever put up with that?

Original poster
Nofoollikeanoldfool · 25/07/2018 14:26

My sister told me four years ago that he would do it again. He stopped drinking to keep in control. I am finally facing that I am living a lie.

OP posts: