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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Got over two affairs - will be chsnge?

40 replies

Nofoollikeanoldfool · 25/07/2018 00:10

Long time poster- I'm in bits.
Married 12 years together 15. I am 3 years older than him.
My husband. We have survived 2 affairs - the last 4 years ago. He stopped drinking and swore it would never happen again. (He was 23 when we maried). I love him and He has had a very traumatic childhood. However i have found WhatsApp messages from a fenale colleague, very jokey (she's married) but seriously - 5 or 6 times a day including as soon as he wakes up ( how's Spain ! She's on a works trip as an example and piss taking photos of our night 🌙 out at an event last Saturday!I'm a fool like my family say (they hate him , he says we are Romeo and Juliet) . He says i am his anchor whereas my sister's say u need to leave ,,,,, in a mess. I love him .

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 25/07/2018 14:30

Keep in control. Pfft. My DH can keep it in his pants after drinks.

In vino veritas.

NonaGrey · 26/07/2018 15:20

Iam finally facing that I am living a lie.

You aren’t living a lie Nofool. He is.

This isn’t your fault. This isn’t your responsibility.

Expecting your husband to live up to his vows and his promises doesn’t make you foolish.

That fact that he can’t makes him weak and deceitful.

It’s time to protect yourself though.

You are fabulous, he doesn’t get to have you any longer. He isn’t worthy.

Leaving him isn’t failure on your part. It’s strength.

I’m glad you have your sister to help.

Flowers
Original poster
Nofoollikeanoldfool · 28/08/2018 22:38

Thanks for all the wise words.

An update. I agreed to our planned holiday , which was just after i found the original messages. He swore the WhatsApp messages were friendly banter, that she is married, unfanciable and all the other crap.
He messaged her whilst we were away and sent her a photo of himself (unasked for)
I have moved in with my sister on return. I am not going back.
Coincidentally, today his WhatsApp colleague was pointed out to me at an exercise class we were both at(she wouldn't know me) very pretty and outgoing. Nothing like he described.

I am leaving. For good and wish I'd stayed strong 4 years ago. He will never change - something in me has snapoed. Finally.

I actually think he is in love with this colleague - not just sex. The tone of the messages is different and no alcohol involved. I almost needed this to move out. Wish me luck and her should she take the next step and sleep with him.

OP posts:
bangourvillagebesttimeever · 28/08/2018 22:43

What a horrible situation you were in. I am pleased to hear you have managed to leave. It sounds like your sister will be a great support and help you through it.

Original poster
Nofoollikeanoldfool · 28/08/2018 22:57

Thank you. One day at a time. I am not going back. My sister thinks i have been plucking up courage to leave since the last time.

Weirdly. Feeling he actually had feelings for this woman has opened my eyes. It was just sex before. He didn't love them. I think he does this time nd i can't cope with that.

OP posts:
lostpigeon · 28/08/2018 22:59

Well done for getting rid :) Brilliant news, let her have him

Jsku · 28/08/2018 23:06

OP - he was very young when you married... only 23.
Sadly it looks like he wasn’t really ready for a marriage back then. And that’s why after 8 years of marriage it all started to fall apart.
He doesn’t seem like a strong person - more like a follower - he followed you into the marriage - and he wasn’t strong enough to leave when it didn’t work for him anymore.

Good news is that you are still only 41. And you can still meet someone who’ll be batter for you.

Original poster
Nofoollikeanoldfool · 28/08/2018 23:09

Jsku. I think he married for security - he has a messed up family life

OP posts:
EverythingHappens4aReason · 28/08/2018 23:19

OP I believed everything you're saying after my exH first affair. It was totally different and no one understood him blah blah.
I'm sorry but first time shame on him, second time shame on us.
For you even a harmless text will be a flirt. Can you spend every day like that?

SlimmingMumOf1 · 28/08/2018 23:21

So just because he had a traumatic childhood, you sympathise with him despite the fact he has had TWO affairs? Sorry but whether or not his childhood was traumatic, he knows right from wrong and what he has done and what he is doing is wrong. Have you got muggings written across your forehead?

Original poster
Nofoollikeanoldfool · 28/08/2018 23:32

No Everything. I think he loves me for security an companion ship and the history.

I can't exp!win why but he has fallen for this colleague. It's different. Perhaps as he hasn't slept with her (yet?,) I've seen the messages. I don't think she feels the same and perhaps this time he's going to get hurt.

I feel cold - perhaps I've been expecting it since the sexual affair if 4 years ago

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 29/08/2018 00:15

OP - he may be just infatuated, etc.
But it doesn’t change anything, really.
You have a relationship that seems to have been based on this idea of you saving him from his past, giving him a secure place.
Maybe you both outgrew these roles.

wheresthehope · 29/08/2018 00:15

Be strong OP.. You can do this and deserve SO much better Flowers

PollyFlinderz · 29/08/2018 05:21

OP, your'e hoping for a happy ending you're not going to get with him but you can certainly get it without him.

Original poster
Nofoollikeanoldfool · 29/08/2018 08:32

Pollyfinderz - I know. It will take time but I'll get there .

OP posts:
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