Husband smashed a plate and ruined new carpet

[Squirrel31]

Arguing all night and now he has smashed a plate on the floor and put a huge hole in the new carpet! I'm so mad 😡 not sure we can come back from this one...

Why, what happened?

Are you ok?

He needs to pay to have the carpet replaced and an apology needs to be forthcoming. Things sometimes feel better in the morning. Although as someone who has just had heir husbands say his life is fucking shit to me perhaps I shouldn't be dishing out advice

Hope you are ok, op?

Well the carpet is ruined less than 10 months old and it's so badly torn that it can't be saved, £400 because of an argument about me doing some DIY that I had no right to do apparently (only changed some mirrors) all the neighbours will have heard us yelling. Luckily little one is fast asleep. Feel crap, so utterly pointless - leave and there is misery, stay and another 12 years of volcanic arguing. It's my son I feel most shit about as we as his parents should get our act together 😡

Get the hell out of there. How could leaving be more miserable than this?

Volcanic arguing with kids in the house? The kids will grow up traumatised!

And what? You had 'no right' to do diy on your own house? Wtf ? Is he some sort of throwback?

I wouldn't stay with someone who acted like that. He sounds fairly awful.

Sod the carpet. You need to think seriously about the rest of your life with this man. Why is there misery if you leave, OP?

"He needs to pay to have the carpet replaced"

While I totally agree, being married it's both their money so they will both be paying for it unfortunately.

Save £400 on a new carpet and get the hell out!

He may have been asleep but the argument would have permeated into his little head.
If this is common then please do your DS and get away.
This is not the right environment for your DS to grow up in.
Poor little thing.
He doesn't have a choice in all of this.
Only you can break the cycle!

A wise mumsnetter, a few years ago, said that when someone smashes something during an argument, or hits a wall, what they're basically saying is "I'm smashing an inanimate object but next time it could be you I'm smashing".

Are you willing to stay in a potentially violent relationship?

Agree 👆 Everyone I know (including myself) who's partner has smashed something/ punched a wall etc, that partner has gone on to be violent, usually within the year. My ex took 6 months to get from breaking my stuff to threatening to kill me. But the arguing on its own is enough to leave, don't wait until it gets "bad enough". If you're arguing constantly and volcanically over petty stuff like DIY then it's already bad enough.

Thanks for all the messages. I appreciated you all listening. I'm reluctant to just walk out as I think hubby is suffering from some sort of breakdown - he is just so miserable but won't accept any help or stop obsessing about having a perfect house - anyone with a pre-school boy will know this is almost impossible to achieve! I know how strange this sounds considering that he has just destroyed the carpet. I almost want a close family member to talk to him and get to the root of it all but his family don't discuss feelings and he doesn't have a great relationship with mine. I just want a quiet life lol! With maybe a stress free spontaneous day by the sea lol 😊

You can't fix him.

This sounds hopeless. The carpet is very symbolic of your relationship - even if you get it replaced, you will never forget what happened. I had a marriage with a man who was very houseproud yet smashed things when he was angry (also hit me, smashed children's toys in front of them etc). I regret that it couldn't have been different but eventually, I did learn that it wasn't going to be and I had a choice. Unfortunately, it took me a very long time and my children have suffered mental health problems from their childhood.

YOU, YES YOU, SQUIRREL31, AS IN YOU, THE PERSON YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR.

YOU CANNOT FIX HIM. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX HIM. IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX HIM. EVEN IF IT WAS EITHER OF THOSE THINGS YOU CANNOT FIX HIM.

Please, please please please repeat that to yourself until you absorb the message. And read Why Does He Do That.

While I totally agree, being married it's both their money so they will both be paying for it unfortunately

Not always.

DH both have personal accounts for personal money. We each have equal disposable income to spend how we like. If I had to pay £400 for something, that’d come out of my personal account and I’d have less to spend on the things I want. Dh wouldn’t be affected.

he doesn't have a great relationship with mine
Red flags flying here.
Why doesn't he get on with your family?
Could it be because they can see how abusive he is towards you but you seem to put up with it?
Please talk to your family.

Sorry but how can smashing a plate on carpet put a huge hole in it and be torn so badly it's unrepairable? I drop lots of stuff and have never managed to do that.
I'm genuinely curious btw.

It's very sad - we have a little boy who adores both of us and the irritating thing is that if my husband could just realise what he has got and stop being so angry, we could have a great life. A lot has happened in this last year that I can't go into detail on (losing/quitting jobs etc) that has caused a lot of stress. I like my house but no way I can maintain a 4 bed on my own. This is what makes just throwing the towel in so hard, to be on the edge of happiness and fail.

Btw, the carpet was damaged because he smashed a pasta bowl with all his strength on the carpet which put a small hole in, he was so angry that he had done that, that he ripped a huge tear in it with his hands saying it's all ruined anyway. Quite easy.

What happens if next time he throws the bowl with all his strength at you?

You are in a dangerous situation.

Don't minimise it.

You need to get yourself and your DS away from him.

A house is just a house. (Even if it's a nice 4-bed one.) Please start exploring your options.

Squirrel - have an unmumsnetty hug.

Please remember that you haven't failed. It is your husband who is failing you by his behaviour. That is not your fault.

to be on the edge of happiness and fail
But YOU haven't failed at anything.
Your abusive arsehole of a DH has done that!
Google 'sunk cost fallacy' and please don't fall into that hole.
Don't 'settle'
You deserve only the best.
This will be a miserable life spent treading on eggshells and trying to protect your DC from his moods and tantrums.
Your DC will end up being abusive or being victims of abuse as the cycle continues.
Hell NO to that!!!!

Squirrel

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this still for you?. You seem also to be now becoming further stuck on the sunken costs fallacy; that is causing you to keep on making poor relationship decisions. The only person that has failed here is your husband.

Do not minimise this, what your H has shown you here is domestic violence. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack thereof, its about power and control and your H wants absolute here. Many people are similarly stressed and do not behave towards inanimate objects as your H does.

Your son and you deserve better within this household and your H needs to be completely now out of your day to day lives. I would think too that you primarily and only cop all this from him, he is probably all sweetness and light to those in the outside world because such abusive men can be plausible. Your little boy is growing up seeing domestic violence within his household, he is seeing his dad throw things and otherwise abusing you as his mum. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. You understand that, none. Your son would much prefer a household free of abuse within it than to remain in a 4 bed house that you still like where all this is going on.

Sounds travels, it is not improbable that your son did not hear the shouting either.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up Squirrels, what sort of an example did your own parents show you?.

Your H is abusive and he is like this also because he can; there is no excuse you can give for him or justification for his abuses of you and in turn your child.