Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've left it too late to end this relationship, haven't I?

44 replies

northernlights0710 · 24/07/2018 13:50

Hi,

I've been unhappy for a long time with a guy I still care for who has not worked for all but six months of the last 10 years. He has a mental health problem which I've only recently fully accepted. ( I was in denial, I think.)

I'm early 50s and he's 60. We don't live together and live in different cities. I have a flat and he lives in a rented room. I won't let him move in with me because I don't want a cocklodger scenario. Which everyone is telling me is bad.

But if I don't take care of him, who will? He will end up on the streets - and almost did several years ago (another story in itself).

I'm so sick of this craziness - I have two jobs and work pretty much a 50-60 hour week. I don't give him money - he has been living off inheritances for the past few years, but was running short of money.

He stays with me when in my city "trying to get work" - his visits last longer than I would like. He lived at my place when he had a job in my city for three months which he lost last autumn (because he was incompetent). He gave me a good sum in rent while in work. When the job ended he moved back to his city at my insistence because of my cocklodger concerns.

Money has been a constant problem and part of the reason I stayed was because I loved him and wanted to give him a chance. And believed his promises to get work.

But he won't do "humble" work, as he calls it - such as driving vans or working in bars etc - and only wants to do this ONE job (which he is incompetent at).

I had finally had enough and was waiting for him to get his latest inheritance - which has now come through (like in the past few days) - before ending it for good.

But a couple of weeks ago he told me he's suffering a severe vision disturbance, went to the doctors and needs eye surgery that is not guaranteed to save his sight. He's diabetic and it's related to that.

His initial NHS consultation (not surgery) is in one month's time and I'm worried his sight will worsen in that time and will be even more difficult to correct.

I still care for this man but we have not had sex for years and we are effectively just friends. I wonder if he would still be with me if I didn't have my flat and I feel I've been fighting a constant battle to stop him moving in by stealth.

Now, understandably, he is panicking about the rest of his life - how his vision issue will change his life. And I understand - I would be terrified if it were me. And I'm worried about him.

But what about my plans to end it for good? I can't now, can I? I'm stuck with my lot. If I did end it, how would I cope with the guilt?

I'm so confused. I care for him yet don't want to live my life this way. And I want a man who wants ME, for the person I am, not for what I can provide.

I'm angry at him for being so lazy and not working in just any job just to make provision for himself. He has no pension, nothing.

I know I've been a total fool not to end this earlier - but there are other reasons - he was in agony with his back for a year. Then he got better and got that (brief) job. Then he was skint and awaiting his final inheritance. And now this.

Please help me to do what's best. I'm struggling with guilt and the fact I still have feelings for him.

OP posts:
NoProbLlama78 · 24/07/2018 13:55

It's not too late to end it. He has money coming in. The eye surgery is likely to be laser treatment he could get in touch with adult social care for support.

Hes running you down and will continue to do so Flowers

Original poster
northernlights0710 · 24/07/2018 13:55

He's always telling me he loves me, by the way, and is affectionate, but then he would, wouldn't he?

He is Christian and thinks it's a sin to have sex outside marriage - although that didn't stop him in the first few years. It's something he just decided one day. Now I don't want sex with him any more because I've "disconnected" from him physically.

As for marriage, I would NEVER marry him because of his irresponsibility. Yet we care for each other. I expect to get a flaming here - which is fair enough. I've been the world's biggest fool and I know it.

OP posts:
itsBritneyBeach · 24/07/2018 13:56

It's never too late to end a relationship when you're unhappy. You don't need to be responsible for him, at the end of the day he's an adult and that are professional services that can help if need be. You're unhappy and that is enough to justify ending the relationship. Please put yourself first Thanks

madcatladyforever · 24/07/2018 13:57

You need to stop feeling guilty. You are not in a relationship, you are just a crutch he uses when it is conveient for him to do so.
This is what women do, why I don't know.
If the situation was reversed you can be damned sure he would be getting rid of you like a shot.
He is not your responsibility - he is an adult, you are not his mum or a relative.
It is also damaging for him to be using you like this.
End it and move forward. Find someone you respect and love who can show you love in return.
Staying with someone out of pity whilst having no respect for them is a deadly situation to be avoided at all costs.
If he was a cat or a dog I'd feel guilty but a full grown man...no. What does he do for you. Nothing is what.

Original poster
northernlights0710 · 24/07/2018 13:57

Thanks NoProbleLlama. He has no friends and his family are worried they will have to take him in - I don't know that, I just feel it instinctively. I'm the only one he's got.

OP posts:
ReevaDiva · 24/07/2018 13:57

Of course you can end it, any time you like. You're not beholden to anyone! You're getting nothing from the 'relationship' as far as I can tell from your posts.

Lottapianos · 24/07/2018 13:59

'I'm struggling with guilt and the fact I still have feelings for him.'

You're obviously a very kind and generous person, but ultimately, you don't owe this man anything. What are you actually getting out of this relationship, other than one big headache after another? You are not his meal ticket, or his carer, or his partner in any real sense. I know that it's very tough to be pragmatic when there are feelings involved, but it sounds to me like you have nothing to feel guilty for.

Original poster
northernlights0710 · 24/07/2018 13:59

Thanks MadCatLady - my respect for him is diminished but I still do love him, though not as madly as I once did.

I was madly in love - that's why I stayed.

OP posts:
Original poster
northernlights0710 · 24/07/2018 14:00

Thanks Reeva and Lotta.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 24/07/2018 14:00

Oh and bloody well done for making sure that he didn't move in with you by the way. You have your own home, and your independence. Enjoy them

BlackWatchBelle · 24/07/2018 14:00

You know in your heart he offers nothing and you need to end it but your guilt is stopping you take action. OP you deserve a happy life, you don't owe him anything, don't waste any more years pulling yourself down.

End it, end it now, and reassure yourself you did your best. The definition of madness, doing something over and over expecting the result to change. He will not change, you are not his carer and he is not your respsonsibility. OP, please, end it.

MIdgebabe · 24/07/2018 14:03

You are not the only person he has, he also has himself. He probably has other friends.he should have a church available to him if he is Christian

Original poster
northernlights0710 · 24/07/2018 14:05

Thanks BlackWatchBelle. I appreciate your advice. How will I justify ending it when he needs me most to his family?
I still care very much for him but before this vision issue knew there was no future in it.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 24/07/2018 14:05

Move on OP. You are in your 50s you could have 40 good years ahead of you. Spend them enjoying your life with someone who loves and respects you and who you respect. It's never too late.

Original poster
northernlights0710 · 24/07/2018 14:08

Thanks Dione, and to posters I won't have a chance to thank today as I have to go to work now.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 24/07/2018 14:08

It’s about time this chap took responsibility for his own health, accommodation, finances and life.
You owe him nothing, and he is using you.
I think his sudden belief in the sinfulness of unmarried sex probably coincided with him becoming impotent due to his poorly controlled diabetes.
You have wasted years of your life on this man. Please don’t waste any more. You will not get them back! Start living for yourself, plan whatever future you want without this millstone round your neck. And for goodness’ sake don’t feel guilty about it. Guilt is what wasters like this man trade on.

DoryNow · 24/07/2018 14:13

OP you don't need to justify ending this to anyone, the relationship has just run its course.

Go over to his one night & tell him as clearly as possible it is over, that way you can leave. it won't be easy but needs to be done, you have the rest of your life to embrace & enjoy.

Thank god you have kept seperate flats, just pack up anything of his that is there & get it taken over to his, by courier if needed, after telling him & that way its all done.

Good luck!

PatheticNurse · 24/07/2018 14:14

Do you REALLY love him though or just care for him.... because if you did really love him, then you'd want to be with him in a relationship.

What do you love about this man?

Honestly - you seem to be in a friendship and not a relationship anyway.... and you can continue that friendship like you would with anyone else....

I think for your own sanity you need to break it off formally..... before you end up as his carer...

Lottapianos · 24/07/2018 14:16

'How will I justify ending it when he needs me most to his family? '

You've been in a relationship with him, not his family. You don't have to justify anything at all to them.

NoProbLlama78 · 24/07/2018 14:25

You don't need to justify it to his family any more than they should to you. If they are worried about him they can look after him.

heartsease68 · 24/07/2018 14:25

You've made no commitment. Be free.

BlackWatchBelle · 24/07/2018 14:31

OP, there is no justification needed. If his family cared for him so much they would all be involved in his life not relying on you.

The only reason they would be angry with you would be because they have to do something foe a change, it would be irritation. No need for your guilt Flowers

SchrodingersMeowth · 24/07/2018 14:32

I’d be ending it just for the previously having sex and now suddenly being a devout christian and saying it’s wrong.

That to me basically seems as if he no longer wants to with you OR is hoping you will marry him to get the sex and it will mean he will get a leg in the door to your finances.

It’s never ever too late

hellsbellsmelons · 24/07/2018 14:34

Wow - so he has family then.
So why are you needing to 'fix' and 'rescue' this guy?
I really don't get it.
Just end it.
You don't have to justify yourself to ANYONE!
NO-ONE at all.
I cannot believe you are in your 50's and still being a people pleaser.
Many of us learn later in life, that it's short.
Very short and we need to live it and make the most of it.
Why aren't you doing that?
Why are you putting up with this shite?
Honestly.
Just end it! Job done.
Don't see him again, block, ignore and delete.
This really is the biggest 'no brainer' I've seen on MN!

HollowTalk · 24/07/2018 14:37

Come on, OP! You can do this.

He lives in a different town so it's not as though you're kicking him out of your house. You need to say that you want a relationship with someone different. It'll be tough, but it has to be said. You can do this - he won't be alone. He's got family. He might not be able to move in with them but they will be his point of contact.