Hi,
I've been unhappy for a long time with a guy I still care for who has not worked for all but six months of the last 10 years. He has a mental health problem which I've only recently fully accepted. ( I was in denial, I think.)
I'm early 50s and he's 60. We don't live together and live in different cities. I have a flat and he lives in a rented room. I won't let him move in with me because I don't want a cocklodger scenario. Which everyone is telling me is bad.
But if I don't take care of him, who will? He will end up on the streets - and almost did several years ago (another story in itself).
I'm so sick of this craziness - I have two jobs and work pretty much a 50-60 hour week. I don't give him money - he has been living off inheritances for the past few years, but was running short of money.
He stays with me when in my city "trying to get work" - his visits last longer than I would like. He lived at my place when he had a job in my city for three months which he lost last autumn (because he was incompetent). He gave me a good sum in rent while in work. When the job ended he moved back to his city at my insistence because of my cocklodger concerns.
Money has been a constant problem and part of the reason I stayed was because I loved him and wanted to give him a chance. And believed his promises to get work.
But he won't do "humble" work, as he calls it - such as driving vans or working in bars etc - and only wants to do this ONE job (which he is incompetent at).
I had finally had enough and was waiting for him to get his latest inheritance - which has now come through (like in the past few days) - before ending it for good.
But a couple of weeks ago he told me he's suffering a severe vision disturbance, went to the doctors and needs eye surgery that is not guaranteed to save his sight. He's diabetic and it's related to that.
His initial NHS consultation (not surgery) is in one month's time and I'm worried his sight will worsen in that time and will be even more difficult to correct.
I still care for this man but we have not had sex for years and we are effectively just friends. I wonder if he would still be with me if I didn't have my flat and I feel I've been fighting a constant battle to stop him moving in by stealth.
Now, understandably, he is panicking about the rest of his life - how his vision issue will change his life. And I understand - I would be terrified if it were me. And I'm worried about him.
But what about my plans to end it for good? I can't now, can I? I'm stuck with my lot. If I did end it, how would I cope with the guilt?
I'm so confused. I care for him yet don't want to live my life this way. And I want a man who wants ME, for the person I am, not for what I can provide.
I'm angry at him for being so lazy and not working in just any job just to make provision for himself. He has no pension, nothing.
I know I've been a total fool not to end this earlier - but there are other reasons - he was in agony with his back for a year. Then he got better and got that (brief) job. Then he was skint and awaiting his final inheritance. And now this.
Please help me to do what's best. I'm struggling with guilt and the fact I still have feelings for him.