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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help.. I'm going out of my mind

36 replies

Newlywedinturmoil · 24/07/2018 12:45

Folks I'm in turmoil and I'm looking some tender advice - I can't talk to my family about this.
I very recently married, early July after being with my husband (no kids) for coming on 9 years. We always said we'd never get married but he asked 2 years ago and I said yes thinking it was the right thing to do. Now I keep thinking to the point where it's making me mentally ill that I shouldn't have married him / can't love him. I have made an appointment to see a counsellor next week but I don't think I can wait that long. I'm worried I'm going to say something before then to wreck my life and his and not give this marriage a chance. I'm praying that counselling will help me see that the grass isn't always greener. Any advice?

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 24/07/2018 12:49

What's he done to make you think it's not working. Is he being controlling.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/07/2018 12:53

Why do you think you can't love him?

Do you love him?

What is it that is making you unhappy? Is it his behaviour?

Keep talking to us.

Newlywedinturmoil · 24/07/2018 12:54

No not at all he's been really great and knows that I'm going thru a difficult time at the minute mentally and being sweet

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 24/07/2018 12:54

Marriage is reversible. If you really have made a mistake you can get out of it. Are you usually anxious? What are your exact concerns?

Newlywedinturmoil · 24/07/2018 12:57

Thanks green fingers. I don't know why I think I can't love him I'm shit scared that we just shouldn't have married we have very little common interest's totally different sex drives. We work shifts and drink an awful lot too which don't help.

OP posts:
Newlywedinturmoil · 24/07/2018 13:01

Do you mind. .. I really don't want that to happen least of all soo soon I'd be making an eejit out of both us. I'm not usually anxious but in the past when something major happen's in life a do be very anxious and self sabotage which is why I'm so worried about this. I just can't seem to get it into my head that everything going to be OK and he's a good man and good for me. I keep looking at my siblings relationships and comparing them to mine and I know I really shouldn't but I can't help it.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 24/07/2018 13:02

Well, you can't get a divorce until you've been married a year, so you've got a bit of time to think about it.
Why did you get married at all OP, if you felt like this?)

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 24/07/2018 13:04

You be been with him for years. Have they been happy years? What has changed since you got married?

Newlywedinturmoil · 24/07/2018 13:04

Single not single I didn't feel like this before I got married these are thoughts/feelings that have recently developed over the last week

OP posts:
RatRolyPoly · 24/07/2018 13:05

Okay, look. You acknowledge you have some mental health issues going on at present. You need to try and separate what is those issues (that you're obviously planning to address with counselling) and what is your marriage. Given that there is no abuse etc. in the marriage, I really think that if you can't see the difference between those two things right now you need to not make any decisions regarding your marriage until you have some clarity.

Now I also think you need to explain to your husband that there are these two competing forces acting on you right now - one being your own mental state, and the other being your assessment of your relationship - and that for the time being you probably can't untangle which feelings relate to which. And that as a result you might say things about your relationship which should - at this point in your life - be taken with a grain of salt. Because you shouldn't (by the sounds of it) be sure, without the help of your therapist, that they are the correct interpretation of your feelings; i.e. that you don't love him, can't love him, don't want to be with him etc.

Let him in, tell him that, and wait for clarity before you take those reins back off him and say, "actually, I've got a handle on this now, turns out I don't love you", or "turns out I had some unresolved issues right there that made me think I couldn't love you".

Whichever it is you will only find out in time. Give yourself the time by telling him what you're going through.

Unless I've completely misread the situation...

AudTheDeepMinded · 24/07/2018 13:05

Not sure that's a very helpful question at this stage Single?

Seaweed42 · 24/07/2018 13:08

I think you'll do fine until your counselling appointment. You've managed the past 9 years OK? Stop thinking about all the ideals and trying to forecast the future. Just have Today and try to have a nice day for yourself today.
You may just be having the post wedding jitters when you think there is no escape route. Would you normally get very anxious in situations where you 'have to' stay somewhere? What is the issue with the sex drives?

Newlywedinturmoil · 24/07/2018 13:09

Sissy yeah they were happy years for the most part. We broke up for like a week 18months into the relationship because o felt that i was putting all the effort into he relationship ( doing all the travelling to see him) then we got back together again and it's been more or less grand since

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 24/07/2018 13:10

DO you think its almost the finality of it that is bothering you - that you used to be able to walk away and now you feel trapped and its making you anxious - in effect your securiy blanket of being able to escape has now gone and its making you magnify everything

that said different sex drives and drinking a lot should also be looked at as well

Newlywedinturmoil · 24/07/2018 13:14

The sex issue is that he has a much higher sex drive than I do and I'm finding I'm doing it for him rather than with him if you get me?

OP posts:
Newlywedinturmoil · 24/07/2018 13:25

It could be the finality thats bothering me i really dont know. Totally agree the drinking needs to be looked at but because we dint have any outside intrests that makes it really hard

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Newlywedinturmoil · 24/07/2018 13:32

Ratrolypoly i really couldnt tell him im evaluating our relationship. I told him the other day that I was worried that i couldnt love him enough and he asked if i was telling him if i didnt love him and i told him i did and he asked me not to say that i cant love him enough again as it wasnt a nice thing to say. but in all honesty im now questioning if i do love him. Im thinking this anxity that has developed in me is making me doubt it

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 24/07/2018 13:33

I think the finality of marriage has caused you to look at the issues and its troubling you

Firstly you doing for him is not a good sign - as for outside interests can you find some

It all sounds v co dependent

Newlywedinturmoil · 24/07/2018 13:40

I just want to stop thinking these thoughts and for life to go back to how it was 😭😭😭

OP posts:
Chasingcars123 · 24/07/2018 13:47

Can you honestly, hand and heart, say that your relationship for the last 9 years was really happy? Did your husband treat you well? Be honest with yourself.

Newlywedinturmoil · 24/07/2018 13:53

I was never really unhappy

OP posts:
Newlywedinturmoil · 24/07/2018 13:57

But thats another thing thts coming from this recent anxiety - have i been living a lie? And telling myself im happy and i do love him.. im just hoping i can go forward from this with him

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/07/2018 13:58

I just want to stop thinking these thoughts and for life to go back to how it was

The counselling will help you get there. Agree is sounds as though the wedding itself triggered something off, the thought about finality makes sense;

In the meantime, lay off the booze a bit if you can and try and develop some outside interests, both as a couple and for you individually. Could you get a pet? Join a gym? Exercise can really help.

Newlywedinturmoil · 24/07/2018 14:00

Has anyone done counselling / therapy? Ive never done it before and i dont know what to expect.

OP posts:
Joboy · 24/07/2018 14:09

From what you say . You might find out you are just drinking buddies .
And it seem to me that you want address the drinking .
AA is free and might take place to get help.
But if you need to talk to some on ring Samaritan
www.samaritans.org/

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