Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thoughts on honesty in OLD

30 replies

SandyY2K · 24/07/2018 11:31

A friend (male) of mine is separated and getting divorced. He's venturing into the world of OLD.

He was thinking he won't mentioned having a DC straight away...possibly until a few dates in?

Also possibly saying he's divorced....even though he's not divorced yet. He's been seperated for over a year now and divorce is in motion.

I told him I think honesty up front is best and if a woman isn't interested because of his DC...that's better to know earlier. If a guy didn't tell me straight away...I'd not be too happy.

He has had a couple of mates (male) disagree with me. Saying no need to tell until you get to know them better and she doesnt need to know about the DC yet.

What are your thoughts?

Would you like to know if a man had DC straight away?

Would you be annoyed or upset if this was withheld till a few dates in?

OP posts:
lizzie1970a · 24/07/2018 11:39

I don't know why you wouldn't say in the process of being divorced, kids age x and x. It'll either put women off, in which case he hasn't wasted time with them, or she'll also have kids and think at least he'll understand what it's like.

lizzie1970a · 24/07/2018 11:40

If it had come over that he'd withheld having 6 kids for instance I'd be annoyed as he'll have got her invested perhaps but she might have a line, so 2 kids fine, 3 or more not.

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/07/2018 11:48

I’m with being upfront about it - it’s a dealbreaker for a lot of people. I’m not interested in dating men with kids and, whilst I’d not be annoyed or upset exactly if somebody sprung it on me a few dates down the line, it would mean I’d not be interested in another date. Why waste either his time or they of other people? He has kids, they’re going to be a big part of his life and therefore any future relationship, what’s the point trying to reel people in by pretending this won’t be the case? Plenty of women with their own DC or who are open to partners with DC if he’s just honest from the start.

Noboozeforme · 24/07/2018 11:49

As long as he doesn't say the kids 'are his world' he should definitely mention he has children. It will come up in the first few messages anyway.

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/07/2018 11:50

Also honesty about being separated, unless his divorce is literally almost concluded. Lying about it and then having to admit that, actually, he’s still technically married just looks like he’s been trying to cover it up because he’s cheating.

Thedutchwife · 24/07/2018 11:53

This is the problem with OLD. People use it to lie about themselves to attract people and it’s mostly men.

It actually makes me really cross. Bil uses it to attracted vulnerable women and then moves on when he has had a shag.

Keeptrudging · 24/07/2018 11:57

Honesty straight away. I was very honest in mine that if their idea of fun was going out and getting bladdered, we would be incompatible. I also wanted to meet someone who already had kids as I thought they'd be more likely to get why I couldn't just drop everything to go on dates.

niceupthedance · 24/07/2018 11:59

If he's just after sex then no need to say about children unless it means he has to cancel a date?

Angryangryyoungwoman · 24/07/2018 11:59

I think he should "declare" both. Why not?

bengalcat · 24/07/2018 12:02

Be honest - some women wouldn't want to get involved with a man who has yet to divorce ( he might not complete , may mean all sorts of legal wrangling etc ) and still others might be put off by a man with kids

Original poster
SandyY2K · 24/07/2018 12:06

If it had come over that he'd withheld having 6 kids for instance I'd be annoyed

He just has the 1 DC.

If he's just after sex then no need to say about children

Mmmm. He's not that kind of guy actually. I think he's scared of rejection tbh. He wouldn't want to just use anyone just for sex.

OP posts:
lizzie1970a · 24/07/2018 12:09

Even with just one child he should be honest. If she doesn't have kids and is 30s and wants them she might not want a man that already has one. She might not want the complication of being a step mother. Depending on the age of the people, other women might see that as being part and parcel of being mid to late 30s for example. Someone younger might want someone with a clean slate. Honesty is best.

wagil · 24/07/2018 12:12

Information from friends who OLD.

Separated with 2 children....fine.

6' tall when actually 5'3"....not fine.

Photo 10 years old....not fine.

Them's the rules.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 24/07/2018 12:14

He should be upfront on his profile, sure, he might have to cast his net in a smaller pool but you can't withhold having a kid without pissing people off later down the line.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/07/2018 12:18

He should mention kids.
Always. I skip people with kids because I don't want to get involved in that.
That's an important piece of information to omit.
Separated is OK.
If he mentions the age of the kids that helps. If they are 16+ then it's OK but younger - not really.

Baumederose · 24/07/2018 12:26

I dont date men with kids that are not very late teens or adult children as my son is older and at uni. I am late 30s.

The separated thing is also a stupid move. Men do seem to do this though in that they think the woman won't mind or notice and then seem genuinely shocked when they are dumped rapido. I have had two do this re their children and they couldn't understand why it was over. When i had clearly told them I don't want to be involved with any of that at all and am not interested in men with young kids under 16. 'But we get on and I really like you' well yes, I liked you too until you lied about a quite major deal breaker you had been told about.

If I found out later about his child it would be over immediately and the lying would mean I wouldn't even throw the let's be friends card as a consolation prize. Delete and block scenario.

He's being a short sighted idiot.

Original poster
SandyY2K · 24/07/2018 12:31

I'm glad most of you agree with me. I told him omitting the DC could piss off someone who was keen...as they'd feel deceived.

I'll send him some replies so he understands what I mean.

I advised him to say he had a DC in his profile, but he won't do that.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 24/07/2018 12:37

Should mention the child in his profile and that he's separated.
I don't really see the need to mention these details in his sales pitch paragraphs

ShatnersWig · 24/07/2018 12:38

@Thedutchwife People use it to lie about themselves to attract people and it’s mostly men

Ask some of the men off the dating thread who've been doing OLD and you might be surprised to find lying is more even across the sexes than you might expect. Hell, when I was on the dating thread some years back, the vast majority of the women said they lied about their age! When I was doing OLD I'd say half the women I met had lied about something.

I always went with the honesty is best approach. If you get on with someone, and they like you, and then you start telling them the truth - well, it's not the best start as you've come across as a liar from the get go and not sure how appealing that is.

Original poster
SandyY2K · 24/07/2018 12:43

@onanothertrain

You think he shouldn't mention his DC and being seperated?

OP posts:
Original poster
SandyY2K · 24/07/2018 12:45

the vast majority of the women said they lied about their age!

My DB saw his ExW
on OLD and she shaved a few years off her age.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 24/07/2018 15:19

No, that's not what I said.
In my experience of OLD sites you fill in loads of info usually in a drop down box - age, height, marital status, children etc. I think he should be honest and mention them there.
However on the free text bit where you essentially sell yourself - interests, hobbies that kind of stuff I would not be mentioning it again.

Baumederose · 24/07/2018 15:51

See I disagree with that but I understand why you've said it, train.

He should put the age of the child in his blurb as that might help him. Big difference between a 6 month old and a 10 year old for example. And big difference between one kid and six of them.

dirtybadger · 24/07/2018 16:00

Im with train. I would say seperated and tick yes to kids (or whatever, drop down, select) but no need to say more publically. But be honest when messaging, etc.

Some women want someone who has DC, if they have one from previous relationship and either dont want any more, or want someone who will "get it" a bit more. So from that angle he may actually be working against himself by omitting those details.

Not mentioning hes still married also looks suspicious Af.

Thingsdogetbetter · 24/07/2018 18:04

If he's worried about rejection surely he'd be more upset about being dumped after 3rd date with someone he might like with his child/not yet divorced confessions than being passed over by someone he doesn't even know exists? What bizarre logic he has!