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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Too nice.. should I finish it?

37 replies

Tobbay · 23/07/2018 21:25

I've recently met a man after a turbulent, abusive 3 year relationship.
The new man is sensitive, caring, loving and even after 2 months I can tell her have my back and be there for me always.

BUT.... it's starting to annoy me Blush. Every time I cough or express anything, he's there asking if I'm ok.. when my cat didn't come home one night he was dressed and ready to drive over at midnight... anything I say he'll do, he'll eat what I eat.... he'll watch what I want... I know these things are lovely so why am I annoyed by it??

OP posts:
SantaClauseMightWork · 23/07/2018 21:27

It could be that you are not used to this and have seen the near opposite really. That was how DH was and still is. It's just that when you love together, you do find occasions to disagree (amicably). You are not living together so he is probably trying to be there always. Take it slow if you like. Be as careful as you can. But I can't really see why you should be worried.

joberg · 23/07/2018 21:43

I had this. I went from a controlling partner to someone who loved me and didn't even want to go out for a few pints as he didn't want to leave me. He wanted to support me while I went to art college as a mature student. He was even willing to move across the country and support us both with his savings, if I wanted him too. And I believe he meant it.

I am sure I would have had a very nice life, fully supported and adored, but it just didn't feel right, even though I wanted to.

I met DH not long after, I met my match. It felt right and I felt in love very quickly, and so did he. He's loving, thoughtful, adores me but also is cheeky, has a life of his own and doesn't let me walk all over him. And I respect him massively for that.

(We have now been married for 15.5 years).

joberg · 23/07/2018 21:44

I should say that I ended it before I met my DH. It didn't feel right to string my ex along, he was really too lovely for that.

rockstarchick22999 · 23/07/2018 21:46

I'm thinking you're not that in to him? Maybe as he's too nice you're not getting to see how you really feel if that makes sense
X

NotTheFordType · 23/07/2018 21:51

Oh god that would annoy the shit out of me. Does he see himself as a white knight rescuing the helpless maiden?

The "I'll eat whatever you're having" shit would signal to me that he wants a relationship where he does NONE of the decision making and everything is left to you.

I'd gently forward him towards registering on Fetlife as a lifestyle sub and let him go.

Original poster
Tobbay · 23/07/2018 22:19

That's it... as yiuve said, I cant decide if I'm just not used to being cared for or he's just a wet blanket. As if he is I know I'll walk all over him..

Do need a man to be a man.. they can win can they.. too nice is actually more annoying than too bad!
I am trying to take it slowly but he wants to see me every night, wants to stay every night and I always say no as putting my children first but also me for a change

OP posts:
joberg · 23/07/2018 22:23

I think you know deep down what you have to do.

@NotTheFordType that made me giggle

Bananalanacake · 23/07/2018 22:27

That's way too suffocating. Wanting to see you every night. He should respect your wish for space. At the start of a relationship I prefer to see them once or twice a week and have them stay once a fortnight. I still have my own friends and interests and want time on my own.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 23/07/2018 22:42

Too nice means suffocating and then controlling trust me I've learned my lesson!
I've just got rid of a bloke who compliments every breath I take did my head in

SoapOnARoap · 23/07/2018 22:45

I’d be highly suspicious. Trust your gut OP

usernameismyusername · 24/07/2018 00:02

I don't think he sounds too nice. It sounds obsessive and bordering on controlling, which will only get worse. He sounds the type to want to know where you are all the time and not want you out of his sight.

I'd be backing away from this.

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/07/2018 00:05

Agree. He doesn’t sound too nice. There’s something off about this. Pushing to see you every night sounds controlling and love-bombing. I think he may have more in common with your ex than you think.

Bettyboop43 · 24/07/2018 06:51

No. My husband is overly nice, caring and helpful. He's the kindest person I've ever met and that in itself can be annoying lol but he would never drive over at midnight for someone's cat and he's never wanted to be with me every night. Your guys actions aren't very healthy. I'd be wary if I were you.

TheOwlTheory · 24/07/2018 06:57

Do need a man to be a man

What do you mean by that? If be has a penis, then he's a man.

Anniegetyourgun · 24/07/2018 07:37

I think that "be a man" phrase in this context is more like "to be an independent human being" than "to be stereotypically masculine". And I agree that whilst some of what this man is doing sounds nice, there are dubious bits too. Being there for you, lovely. Being there all the time whether it's convenient or not, smothering.

End it if it isn't right for you (and see how well Mr Nice takes the rejection - could be illuminating). You've only been going out for a couple of months, after all.

Katgurl · 24/07/2018 08:59

I would not find that attractive at all. I would wonder what he did with his time before I met him.

It's ok to not be into him. It doesn't mean because he hasn't been abusive like your ex that you have to stay with him. Lots (most) of men won't abuse you, will be kind and loving yet still independent.

yetmorecrap · 24/07/2018 10:15

I think men like this can be very prone to emotional affairs too if you don’t seem to appreciate the ‘niceness’. The difference I think is if you like and appreciate it or find it a bit annoying

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/07/2018 12:02

Urgh. I read the part about him wanting to see you every night and my red flags went up. Trust your gut, OP.

Caribbeanyesplease · 24/07/2018 12:03

He’s not for you. Plain and simple.

Thinkingofausername1 · 24/07/2018 17:10

If it was me he would be a keeper!! Last week I was ill and still did my food shop. Half way round I couldn't do it on my own anymore but my husband wouldn't come and help me just told me to go home. Keep this guy unless you think there are some jealous traits or anything?

Original poster
Tobbay · 24/07/2018 17:32

I know he sounds exactly like we all want but all the niceness is making me not be physically attracted to him. Kissing and sex seem "uurrgghh" now.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 24/07/2018 18:37

It not niceness, it clinginess and suffocating and moving far to fast. Being nice is a good thing, it means consideration, respect, being thoughtful and affectionate. Passivity and suffocating are not niceness. He is pushing your boundaries about when you see him, treating you like a child who can't cope independently and coming across as a wet blanket while doing it to sucker you in to being dependent and beholding. It's not nice behaviour. It's red flags.

Thingsdogetbetter · 24/07/2018 18:40

And he really doesn't sound like what 'we' all want! He sounds like someone who pretends to be a 'nice guy' while sucking away a woman's independence and personal space. Cringy.

naebotherpal · 24/07/2018 18:52

You’ve been with him two months, have kids, and he’s trying to stay over every night??

I can hardly breathe just reading that back.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 24/07/2018 20:13

@naebotherpal I'm with you on that!