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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does your partner criticize you?

38 replies

Blondie1993 · 23/07/2018 20:45

I’ve been with my partner for over two years and I feel the longer we are together the more critical he gets. Sometimes it will be in a very serious manner, sometimes quite jokey but it is constant/every single day and it’s starting to get me down quite a bit. I have tried to discuss it with him but it’s like talking to a brick wall, he just can’t seem to help himself!

It’s things like:

  • what I eat
  • how noisy I am when I eat
  • every time I move on the couch/in bed
  • if my tummy makes noises or I sniff/swallow too loud/make any kind of involuntary noise
  • if I face him in bed, apparently I breathe too heavily so I have to face the other way
  • apparently I snore/am a noisy sleeper
  • if there is something on tv and I pick up my phone (even if he is on his iPad/phone!)
  • if I don’t use the correct grammar (he will correct me straight away and then have a go at me, usually things like using ‘went’ instead of ‘gone’ or something)
  • I am working class and if any kind of twang/accent/slang slips through it will really annoy him even though I am very polite considering where I come from!
  • if my car is a bit messy even though his is an absolute bombsite!

These are just a few that spring to mind that happen almost daily unless I actively stop myself from doing any of them. It’s starting to make me so anxious and making me lose a lot of confidence. I don’t really know what i’m looking for here, maybe just somewhere to rant! I know everyone has their annoying traits and maybe some of them are true but other than the fact I do snore on occassion, no one else has ever criticised me about any of these things.

I guess i’m more just wondering how much other people criticise their partners and if I am just being overly sensitive? Need to get some perspective!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/07/2018 20:47

No my partner of 2 years doesn't ever criticise me like that. It's not nice. Why are you putting up with it ?

BigBairyHollocks · 23/07/2018 20:48

No-15 years later and he really doesn’t,though there’s plenty he could say!You deserve better OP.

SequinsOnEverything · 23/07/2018 20:51

No. He hardly ever says anything critical to me and if he does he is careful to say it nicely (We do all have things pur partners do that annoy us afterall). I would say get out now, it will only get worse.

PerverseConverse · 23/07/2018 20:54

Does he has misophonia. I do and all the things that annoy him drive me nuts too. It's particularly bad at the moment as I'm really stressed. Have a google and see if things resonate with him ie ask him if that's how he feels. It's a horrible thing to have for the sufferer too. There is a misophonia thread on here somewhere if you have a search that might be helpful.

MattBerrysHair · 23/07/2018 20:58

No, my dp never says anything like that. However, I have sensory sensitivity as I'm autistic and I struggle with many of the things you've listed, especially the noise ones. I have to ask my dp to face away from me in bed and put the radio on when we eat as I can't stand the noises. I'm very polite about it though, and have always been sure to acknowledge that I am the unusual one in having these issues. Breathing, eating, tummy noises are totally normal and you shouldn't be made to feel bad about it.

PerverseConverse · 23/07/2018 20:59

Misophonia doesn't explain the other stuff though like using your phone if watching tv. Unless it's making any noise like screen taps. Having misophonia is like your noise filter is missing and all the noises are amped up and make you want to scream and lash out or run away. I get annoyed by grammar issues too but not sure it's connected except the sounds irritate me. Misophonia tends to be concentrated on mouth noises so I guess speech might well set it off. Tutting noises drive me demented. Heavy breathing, chewing, crunching, clicking, tapping, rustling. It's all like nails on a blackboard. Fucking awful. However if I'm making those noises it doesn't affect me. It's a neurological thing and a PITA.

areyoubeingserviced · 23/07/2018 21:02

Sounds too much like hard work Op.
You must be on tenterhooks all the time
It would drive me crazy

JustHereForThePooStories · 23/07/2018 21:05

Nope. 16 years in and he’s my greatest advocate and supporter.

Don’t put up with this shit, OP.

Ohyesiam · 23/07/2018 21:05

No, my partner of 16 years doesn’t criticise me. If he did he wouldn’t be my partner. My father used to criticise me , so now I only see him every few years, who needs that sort of agro in their life.

AnyFucker · 23/07/2018 21:06

Never

He boosts me up. He is my greatest advocate.

TheFaerieQueene · 23/07/2018 21:07

No. He hasn’t ever. We have been together a long time, I’m not perfect, but he hasn’t ever said anything unpleasant to me - nor me to him.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 23/07/2018 21:09

No. The only time is during an argument he'll say something like " stop being childish" but it's when I know I'm in the wrong.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2018 21:13

Absolutely not. And your partner CAN help it, if it’s getting worse it’s because he feels sure enough of how much criticism and control you’ll take.

I’ve got into a super annoying habit of leaving the bedroom light on. I have no idea why, I’m driving myself batty doing it. Happened again this evening and do you know what my husband did when he noticed? He laughed! Kindly. With a slightly raised eyebrow because I’m never normally forgetful.

My ex used to love listing my failings, it was exhausting and made me feel like shit. I knew I wasn’t a bad or very annoying person but when you hear it day in day out it just grinds you down. Reading your list, he didn’t even complain about anything like that! I’m not perfect by any means but neither is your partner and he’s chipping away at you. Next time he does it I’d be tempted to give him a hate stare, tell him you’re fine as you are and not planning to change, he knew the deal and chose to be with you and if he doesn’t like it he can bugger off.

biscuitaddict · 23/07/2018 21:15

Are you my DH?! I have been known to cry because of noises such as breathing and eating. Or the feeling of breath on me. I hate being over critical but it's also linked to anxiety (much counselling has taught me this) The more anxious- the more critical. I'd try talk to him about it, it might be more than it seems.

RideOn · 23/07/2018 21:20

No my DH of 11 yrs (together 15) doesn't criticize me. He probably notices my bad habits (as I do his) but we would both try our best to see the good in the other (and ignore involuntary body sounds ffs).

Recent example. DH fond of splashing the whole sink and surrounding area (floor and back of taps) every time washes up/uses sink to peel veg. It only takes a minute to dry, it is annoying but I have never said anything. Recently noted back of sink seems to be sl tired of this and pointed this out to him, suggested he could put a tea towel there to save it getting damaged from repeated water splashes.

Pooshy · 23/07/2018 21:20

He sounds very harsh on you, you deserve better

Maybe you should ask him what he actually does like about you as he seems to be very irritated by you

Grumpyoldblonde · 23/07/2018 21:20

You know, even if 100 people replied saying 'oh yes, my partner does this, quite normal,' it doesn't matter. You don't like it, it makes you feel bad. You don't have to accept it. I couldn't. He sounds a knob.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 23/07/2018 21:21

None of that shit from DH here. I wouldn’t stand for it. Why do you? He sounds awful!

Blondie1993 · 23/07/2018 21:24

Thanks for the replies.

I am on tenterhooks all the time and it is getting exhausting. I do love him, he does have a lot of good points and apparently he does love me but it is just pushing me so far away.

He is extremely intelligent and well educated (i’m not thick but not on the same level!) so I can understand that grammar mistakes can be annoying. What I don’t understand is that things have come to a head on a few occasions and I have given him every opportunity to end things amicably and find someone who doesn’t annoy him but he never even attempts to do so!

I’m not sure if he could have some kind of condition - the only person he ever seems to get angry/annoyed at is me though, could it work in that way?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 23/07/2018 21:24

No. He's too kind to criticise.

It sounds as though yours has got to the stage where everything you do irritates him. Not a good sign tbh. You can't spend your life tiptoeing around in case he gets annoyed.

Blondie1993 · 23/07/2018 21:26

‘End things amicably’ sound a bit daft, I more mean I have openly suggested maybe he would be happier without me, find someone who lives up to his expectations ect and he knows full well I would go ‘quietly’ but he doesn’t seem to want that either!

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 23/07/2018 21:31

No, 18 years this year

LuxuryWoman2017 · 23/07/2018 21:31

‘End things amicably’ sound a bit daft, I more mean I have openly suggested maybe he would be happier without me, find someone who lives up to his expectations ect and he knows full well I would go ‘quietly’ but he doesn’t seem to want that either!

Well, it's not just his choice is it? You are allowed to leave him - I would and I'd go noisily too. He isn't the boss here you know.

Yogagirl123 · 23/07/2018 21:44

It can’t be a nice way to live OP Flowers. My DH has always worked hard to improve my confidence and self-esteem, that was at a very low ebb when I meet him many years ago.

It’s really not normal, judging by the comments on here, why would you want to criticise someone you love? Unfortunately some people make themselves feel good by upsetting others.

It will wear you down OP, get out now. Good luck.

NotTheFordType · 23/07/2018 21:46

When you live with someone, there will be little habits the other person has that wind you up. There may also be more serious issues that require discussion and some sort of action.

For example, my last LTR, he snored. He snored so loudly you could hear it if he was upstairs with the bedroom door shut and I was in the lounge with the TV on. This was a serious issue because obviously it affected my sleep and therefore my performance at work. When he did eventually get it checked out, it turned out he had sleep apnoea and needed a CPAP.

Little niggles: He used to feed the cat and leave the empty pouch on the side, above the bin. He used to smoke in the car when I was due to use it the following day and he thought cracking the window would mean I wouldn't notice. He had a habit of repeating a phrase when he was talking - like "Yeah babe but the thing is, the thing is, the thing is, Jose Mourinho has never, has never, has never blah blah football talk"

He had little niggles with me. My habit of always going for the punchline and laughing at situations that he thought should be serious. The fact that I tend to deconstruct films and TV rather than just "enjoying the experience".

With all of these, he would maybe mention it once, or say "Oh god, you and your bloody analyzing brain!"

He also had some serious issues with me which required work on both our parts to find a compromise (step-parenting/household related - too long and boring to go into, but we worked it out.)

If someone is criticizing the way you BREATHE, then I think that person should not be in a relationship that involves spending more than about 8 hours together at a time.

Are you his first serious relationship?