Does your partner criticize you?

[Blondie1993]

I’ve been with my partner for over two years and I feel the longer we are together the more critical he gets. Sometimes it will be in a very serious manner, sometimes quite jokey but it is constant/every single day and it’s starting to get me down quite a bit. I have tried to discuss it with him but it’s like talking to a brick wall, he just can’t seem to help himself!

It’s things like:

• what I eat
• how noisy I am when I eat
• every time I move on the couch/in bed
• if my tummy makes noises or I sniff/swallow too loud/make any kind of involuntary noise
• if I face him in bed, apparently I breathe too heavily so I have to face the other way
• apparently I snore/am a noisy sleeper
• if there is something on tv and I pick up my phone (even if he is on his iPad/phone!)
• if I don’t use the correct grammar (he will correct me straight away and then have a go at me, usually things like using ‘went’ instead of ‘gone’ or something)
• I am working class and if any kind of twang/accent/slang slips through it will really annoy him even though I am very polite considering where I come from!
• if my car is a bit messy even though his is an absolute bombsite!

These are just a few that spring to mind that happen almost daily unless I actively stop myself from doing any of them. It’s starting to make me so anxious and making me lose a lot of confidence. I don’t really know what i’m looking for here, maybe just somewhere to rant! I know everyone has their annoying traits and maybe some of them are true but other than the fact I do snore on occassion, no one else has ever criticised me about any of these things.

I guess i’m more just wondering how much other people criticise their partners and if I am just being overly sensitive? Need to get some perspective!

Nope. Apart from telling me off if I put myself down, he boosts me up and makes me feel special every day. On the other hand I am less tolerant and sometimes even his breathing annoys me, but I don't say it.

I agree. You don’t need his permission to end it!

My worry is that the dynamic seems to be you go about your normal life, he gets to pick at you and make you feel bad, you call him on it and offer him a chance to end the relationship, he says no, I imagine as if he’s doing you a favour, so he gets to keep on at you incessantly.

Bitching about your accent is really awful. It’s how you talk, part of who you are! I’m insulted oh your behalf. If he doesn’t think you’re good enough for him he can fuck off.

You’re better than putting up with his bollocks. There’s a danger in putting up with it so long you get used to it and start to believe him

No, mine thinks I’m awesome. He even eats my terrible cooking and laughs at my awful jokes. It’s not supposed to be difficult at 2 years and you sound like you’re already walking on eggshells. Do you want to be doing that for the next 20 years? Because he’s not going to get any better.

No. He thinks I am the bee's knees. If he does rarely think I have been a bit harsh with the children or something, he will approach it very carefully and kindly.

Kindness is the most important and most under-rated quality in a marriage - in any relationship really. He doesn't sound kind.

How do you react, OP? I wouldn't put up with that kind of shit for a minute. Next time he starts - say "sorry tired of the constant criticism it is boring me to death" and walk away from him/out of the room/pick up your dinner and eat elsewhere.

My marriage is a mixed bag. My DH praises me & encourages me but he's also extremely critical. He's a very blunt person. He doesn't approach things kindly or sensitively. 10 years of this & I sometimes imagine leaving but I really love him & I fantasise about him going back to his more adoring days!

No. Together 3 years and he hasn’t criticised me once, hand on heart. If I do something silly like, say, leaving the milk out of the fridge, the most he will do is do this exaggerated comical sigh and tut and say ‘oh Lisa’ but it’s meant totally in jest and we’ll both laugh.

My ex did, though, and about a lot of the same things as you. I gave up eating a lot of my favourite foods for years because he would complain about garlic breath if I ate even the tiniest bit (he was allowed to eat as much as he wanted though), and he would shout at me if I ever moved around in bed (but it was OK for him to come clattering in and switch on all the lights if I was sleeping).

This is the tip of the iceberg and I’m sorry to tell you it only gets worse. It’s very telling that you talk about it all in terms of his feelings and what he wants (asking if he’d like to break up amicably etc), but what about what you want? Are you happy with him? Doesn’t sound like it at all

Blondie

Why are you together, what are you getting out of this relationship?. What he is showing you is not a loving relationship at all but one based on power and control. He wants absolute over you and this man will continue to mess with your head.

You need higher and better boundaries as well as perspective. You are being emotionally abused by this man and he is also doing this to you because he can. His actions are deliberate. His intentions were to have you on tenterhooks and have you doubting your own judgment. Abuse like this as well is insidious in its onset, my guess is that he has ramped this up against you over time too.

All you can do with someone like this is to end the relationship. He won't be amicable though, he will likely turn on the waterworks and or say that he cannot live without you etc.

I realise that you love him and all that (you may well be confusing your own love for him with codependency) but really this is not the sort of relationship you want to remain in. He targeted you and will further wear you down.

Unlikely he will change, so sadly people are right when they mention leaving him.
Do you ever do the same back? Even if you don't immediately think you do? How lighthearted is it? My DH and I say many of the things you mention in your list to each other regularly, but it's just our cringeworthy humour and way to air our pet peeves in a non-attacking way (it's always very lighthearted)

When I first read your list I thought: I recognise a lot of that, although it’s not every day and he doesn’t actually openly criticise most of the time it’s just that I can sense his feelings iykwim?

-what I eat- it’s more a glacé I’ll get if he thinks I’ve eaten something unhealthy although I suppose this could be caring about my health?

• how noisy I am when I eat- no never this (we don’t eat together)
• every time I move on the couch/in bed- he doesn’t sit next to me on the couch, even though I’d like a cuddle, he doesn’t like bed sharing either and looks forward to me being away for a night so he can sprawl out on his own
• if my tummy makes noises or I sniff/swallow too loud/make any kind of involuntary noise, don’t get this
• if I face him in bed, apparently I breathe too heavily so I have to face the other way- see above
• apparently I snore/am a noisy sleeper - he will comment on my occasional snoring
• if there is something on tv and I pick up my phone (even if he is on his iPad/phone!)- yes he often complains about me reading and watching simultaneously but this is what I like to do, he often complains that I’m on my phone too much. But I say it’s so I have someone to talk to as he isn’t much of a conversationalist.
• if I don’t use the correct grammar (he will correct me straight away and then have a go at me, usually things like using ‘went’ instead of ‘gone’ or something) I’ve got better grammar than him!
• I am working class and if any kind of twang/accent/slang slips through it will really annoy him even though I am very polite considering where I come from! He criticises me for swearing. The way I see it I can swear in my own house if I want to.
• if my car is a bit messy even though his is an absolute bombsite! Yes he complains about me being messy but so is he!

I thought this was normal?

Yeah my DH does quite a few of those on your list. He never holds back his criticism & it's exhausting but he can also be lovely.

I have corrected his grammar though, not the other way around. I don't do it much but I had to put a stop to 'I seen that yesterday.'

I have just left my boyfriend who was just like this. I am now currently dealing with police as I had to be escorted from the house when his frustrations escalated into rage- after I stood up to him.

I was too nice to people. I moved too much in bed. If I ever had the audacity to have a hangover. If I didn't discipline my son the way he thought I should. If I was messy or if my son was messy. I wore the wrong kind of clothes or painted my nails a colour he didnt like. If I used my phone in his presence or when we were watching TV. I could go on and on.

He was also SO lovely and supportive a lot of the time so I would feel like I was being unreasonable. To everyone else he made himself out to be a total hero 'taking on a single mum when no one else would'. And he made me believe it too. Pfft.

I now know that these nice spells were another way of controlling me.

He's trying to control you. Please get away from him. You deserve someone who doesnt make you feel like you have to change to make him happy.

I used to post on here and never fully believed it was as bad as everyone said when they told me to leave him. But it got much worse as they predicted and I wish I had got away from him sooner.

Sorry slight rant, he sounds like a fucking arsehole.

How awful for you. I’ve been where you are and it was soul destroying.

Sadly you say you’ve been together two years - 18 months to 2 years is often the point the ‘love chemicals’ / dopomine wears off and you transition from that new giddy love to love of the long term more stable variety. Or you don’t and the novelty of the other person has worn off/they fall off a pedestal.

I’m sorry about what you’re going through but I don’t think it’ll get any better