Stbexh deliberately arranging things for the children when they are with me

[exhaustedbyex]

My stbexh has a habit of arranging activities with his girlfriend's kids during my (court ordered) contact time. The children live with me and see their dad EOW, half the holidays and once a week after school so he has plenty of opportunities for activities during the time they are with them.
Every time he arranges something it's always something the children really want to do and have usually asked to do but it's for a time they are not with him and we are often away so they can't go. This causes the children to rage at me saying how unfair I am, how mean, dreadful mother, the works. If I arranged stuff in his time I'd be told to fuck off in no uncertain terms (long history of abuse) and there is no chance he'd ever change contact dates to accommodate something I'd arranged for the children no matter how much they wanted to do it, even if it was a one off opportunity happening only on that date.

I feel like I'm always the bad guy and if we aren't doing something I need to arrange something so I have a valid reason to say no.

Contact between us is limited to emergencies only as he is abusive in communication so he sends these requests via the children. I refuse to engage with them being used as messengers though.

For context he rarely does activities with them during the time they are with him as he is usually working, sleeping or too busy with his gf's kids.

How do I deal with this?

What sort of activities is he arranging? Can you give us some examples because I don’t really understand what type of thing he’s booking up. Is he expecting you to take the kids and socialise with his GF then? It’s all a bit weird

How old are your DC?

They won’t understand the games he is playing if they are young. I’d be as matter of fact about it as possible - it’s a shame you can’t do xyz, dad should really have arranged it on the days you are with him. If you keep on being very consistent with this, they will eventually realise that it’s on dada, not you.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Have you posted about this several times before?

Stick to the contact. Let the children rage at you. Stay consistent, tell them it’s not dad’s contact time and you already have plans. I have one son who is extremely angry with me for “not letting him see his dad” the truth is, which he knows, that SS won’t allow his dad to have contact. But still he rages at me. Very badly. I just have to put up with it. I can’t cave and let him see his dad just because he is angry.

He sounds delightful .

Are the children old enough to be told that the court has decided how you spend time with them, and those rules cannot be changed - in whatever age appropriate way you can explain it?

Failing that, I'd go back to court and say he's not sticking to it.

@TellsEveryoneRealFacts no, not posted about this at all before.

Thank you everyone. I am consistent and tell them I'm sorry he's booked stuff for when they are not with him. They understand that contact is court ordered and they know he won't change things if they want to do something with me but still they give me a lot of grief. I guess it's just another way of him upsetting me now that he can't do it directly.

It is, which is why it’s important that you train yourself into not becoming upset by it. He only upsets you if you let him. Accept that he will try, accept the chidlren will take it out on you and just deal with it as it happens. Keep repeating the same lines “I can see you’re upset that dad booked something when you can’t go, that is upsetting.” But don’t take on responsibility for that. Don’t be tempted to try and offer solutions or make it better. Let the blame stay with him, he is causing their upset.

Next time tell him sure thing, I’m happy to swap contact weekends with you so I’ll have children next weekend and you have them this weekend.

I bet he has no intention of taking them to these events.

You can switch weekends even if it is court ordered, by mutual agreement. So if he refuses it is him who is not wanting to take the children to the events as he is refusing to swap weekends. He can’t have the children both weekends.

not posted about this at all before.

Oh, someone else has posted the exact same situation and got loads of advice, in fact i think they posted more than once themselves so it might be worth seeking previous threads out and reading it/them...

@fuzzywuzzy
Problem with that is, it gives him a huge amount of power to chop and change whenever he wants to. There is being flexible and accommodating and then there’s being bullied

How old are the kids?

Be direct with your kids. If they are young say ‘silly daddy or whoops that’s not right.’ Have a clear calendar marked out with days coloured in for when he has them. Point to the calendar and say it’s not Daddy’s day then. You can go on Daddy’s day but not when you are at mommy’s house.

If the kids get in a hump with you pull them up on it, say that’s not very nice of them to be cross with you. It’s not your fault. And then leave it at that. Be very, very calm and very very neutral.

If your Ex contacts you about these things, do not respond. Or respond with the same boring phrase, only on contact days. Be much clearer about this, say now that flexibility is only for things like illness and emergencies. Not leisure activities.

My Ex did this as a deliberate goading directed at me.

You do have to be very very consistent. Outwardly. To the kids especially. And then go into a room by yourself and silently scream!

This is parental alienation because it's done to make you look like the bad guy. It is also upsetting for the children and downright manipulative. I would start with a solicitor's letter (if you can afford it) stating that contact will be as per the court order and that arranging activities outside of these times and telling the children you are responsible for them not happening is harmful to the children and in no way on their best interests. I could be talking about a return to court to get the wording of the order amended to avoid this issue.

And another thing, it’s perfectly fine to tell your kids not to give you grief. I learnt this far too late. We let them as we don’t know how to respond without saying ‘your father is an asshole!’

Obviously don’t say that. But be really clear to your kids it’s not fair to be mean to you. Because it isn’t. Let them see you have self respect. I made the mistake of not doing this and was actually allowing my son to treat me as his father treated me. They will still be moody and angry, but we’ve drawn a line. It took my son probably two years to stop being so angry at me for his Dad doing the same thing. He was older, now 16. But in the last year I’ve noticed he’s started to realise it’s not fair to be horrible to me on his Dads behalf. It helped to just be very calm and clear, and I just kept repeating that this was the arrangement. Gradually I could explain why it was good not to chop and change at the last minute. Even young children can be told not to give you grief.

@doyoumind totally agree it’s manipulation of the kids to attack their mother. Horrible!

Hi op. Are these activities he has paid for? What would happen if you actually did the activities with the kids and sent a passive aggressive 'thanks for arranging this, we have had a great time' to your ex to wind him up? Could you actually use him as your personal activity organiser?

@TellsEveryoneRealFacts I can't find those threads but have only done a brief search. Happy to read them if you can point me in their direction.

@wizzywig they are activities booked and paid for by either him or his gf for her children to do with our children. If I turned up then they'd be there. I've never met his gf and as he said she threatened to kill me then I don't want to either. She's denied this of course and police have been involved but was years ago now.

I'll mention to the solicitor that this is going on as builds a picture with all the other stuff that's happening.

How old are the kids

Sorry, 11 and 9.

I guess you’ve got 5 more years of this.

What an utter cunt. I’m sure someone else will have good advice, for now I just give you my sympathy.
I am petty but I would do EXACTLY the same back. Actually scrap that. He’s not worth sinking to that level.

Can you just burn his house down instead. I don’t know why I find this so anger making, but it really does make me feel like that!!!

Be a grey rock and don't engage. A simple 'No - that's not part of the court order'.

I think at that age it would be entirely appropriate to have a conversation with them about how it’s not fair that their father keeps doing this, and absolutely not fair for them to give you grief about it.

I agree with @PolkaHots- they are old enough that you shouldn't be taking all the blame. When they start shouting at you, point out that he has two weekends each month to do these activities, and can organise whatever he wants on those occasions, but doesn't. Does the GF have her children full time or do they go to a fathers? Do they organise these things because they have all the kids then and don't on other weekends? I would just continue to reiterate that dad knows when he has you, can organise anything he wants at those tones, but chooses not to. Or depending on how brave you are- send them to everything that they book- but only for the day. Allow them to go to everything, and see how long that lasts until he stops organising it.

I'd call his bluff to be honest and say 'yep no problem, they are so excited, when are you picking them up?'. The more he let's them down, which he will, the more they will realise he isn't worth their time.

If I say yes he will then proceed to book lots of things in my time and if I object he'll say it wasn't a problem until now. And he'd still say no if I asked him to change so I could do something. I booked something with the children some years ago and he took me to court because it was on his weekend. He takes me to court if they are ill and miss contact because they are contagious. There is no deviating from that order at all unless it's for his benefit therefore unless it's for a special occasion I say no.

I think just carry on as you are. They will realise.
Just do some zen stuff or something and try not to let him break you down,
I would also agree with others they are old enough to know and age appropriate truth