Stbexh deliberately arranging things for the children when they are with me

[exhaustedbyex]

My stbexh has a habit of arranging activities with his girlfriend's kids during my (court ordered) contact time. The children live with me and see their dad EOW, half the holidays and once a week after school so he has plenty of opportunities for activities during the time they are with them.
Every time he arranges something it's always something the children really want to do and have usually asked to do but it's for a time they are not with him and we are often away so they can't go. This causes the children to rage at me saying how unfair I am, how mean, dreadful mother, the works. If I arranged stuff in his time I'd be told to fuck off in no uncertain terms (long history of abuse) and there is no chance he'd ever change contact dates to accommodate something I'd arranged for the children no matter how much they wanted to do it, even if it was a one off opportunity happening only on that date.

I feel like I'm always the bad guy and if we aren't doing something I need to arrange something so I have a valid reason to say no.

Contact between us is limited to emergencies only as he is abusive in communication so he sends these requests via the children. I refuse to engage with them being used as messengers though.

For context he rarely does activities with them during the time they are with him as he is usually working, sleeping or too busy with his gf's kids.

How do I deal with this?

An

Yeah stop engaging in the game. Explain to the kids why it's wrong and that you will not accept the blame. Tell them you are sorry their dad keeps doing this to them but unfortunately you can't stop him.

And yes have a chat with the solicitor and get a letter sent to him reminding him of the contact order.

@exhaustedbyex- fair enough. I just wouldn't engage then. When they start juts reiterate to them that the time they spend with you or their dad is very important to both of you. Your dad knows a year in advance when he has them, has plenty of opportunity to plan things. That it's selfish he wants to move in to your time, and you appreciate getting to spend time as a family too. If the kids are already shouting at you, they are involved. It's fine to say Di t involve the kids (you shouldn't) but when the other adult already has, being honest with them is fair- otherwise they will believe that you are at fault if you don't defend yourself against a parent who is constantly attacking you behind your back.

@SD1978 very true. His girlfriend is frequently saying things that aren't true to the children which puts them in a difficult position. For example telling them he never wanted to marry me and other such rubbish. I guess that's what he tells her but why he'd do that is beyond me.

His girlfriend is frequently saying things that aren't true to the children which puts them in a difficult position. For example telling them he never wanted to marry me and other such rubbish. I guess that's what he tells her but why he'd do that is beyond me.

Again, this is parental alienation and strictly forbidden. Add this and any other incidences to the solicitor’s letter. Keep a detailed log.

Your dc are definitely old enough to be told that their father is playing games.

Him and his GF sound like idiots.

I'd simply say you will not respond to his request for the kids to do activities in your time. End of discussion.

The pp who mentioned the calendar with mum and dads time is a very good suggestion.

It's a simple instruction to follow...let the kids see that... then they can ask why he continues to arrange stuff in mum's time. It's as if he really doesnt want them to go.

What a fool he is and his dense GF supporting his nonsense. How dare she talk to your kids saying he didn't want to marry you.

Was a gun held to his head?

If he took you to court for fucking sneezing. Do the same back

The children are old enough to be told the truth about their father deliberately trying to alienate you from them, so I would do that at every opportunity.

Start keeping a detailed record of when he does this, what his GF says about you, any failures in contact on his part. Then see your solicitor about a court hearing.

Stick rigidly to the court schedule.

We are unable to go back to court until 2020 as he is what they call a vexatious litigant, unless court give permission. However I can see that there is little choice. I have been keeping my solicitor in the loop and am awaiting a reply as to whether or not to ask the court's permission to make a.m. application. All previous applications have been his.

Wow. He has to be going some to be declared a vexatious litigant! Sorry-totally off topic and I can’t say anything more useful than PPs. Stick to your guns and stay strong OP. It may take a while but your DCs will eventually see him for what he is.

@footballmum 6 court applications in 4 years. For things like missing contact due to being ill. Saying I'm abusing the children and denying him contact. Court got sick of him and his baseless accusations.

Ugh ffs he keeps leaving me voicemails regarding contact sounding like mr reasonable . I've got another thread about how best to deal with him and I guess the two overlap. I hate it when he's all nice because it reminds me of when I first knew him and he wasn't the abusive bastard he became once I was pregnant. Actually before then. Sorry. Waffling. I just hate any contact as it fucks with my head not knowing if he's mr Jekyll or mr Hyde today .

You need some help I think to go no contact with him. Do not respond or listen to them. Put his number on silent so he can’t ring and it doesn’t ping. I find all contact through email or text is better. Do not get into any conversations. I haven’t spoken or listened to a message from my Ex in 3 years. The nice messages are not only not worth it but they serve to suck you back in. I actually stopped replying to any goady messages even if they were questions. No reply at all. The only thing I’ll text is about handover and most of the time that can be fixed well in advance.

The revelation about his accusations about you are shocking. If the court has had to block him then so must you. This man is awful manipulative and abusive. You must stop him abusing you by proxy. You got out of the relationship. Just one final step now.

Fuck him. Get your solicitor involved.
And grey rock him the whole time you do it.
Cunt

Speak to your solicitor and maybe have a stock reply
Eg “that is my court ordered time. The children cannot come.”

Take all the emotion out of it.
This kind of man is evil imo.
He uses the DC as weapons not caring whether he harms Them or not in the process. Disgusting.

Get a new phone number and don't give it to him. Only check messages on old number before contact, hit skip message if the messages are him whining about having children on your time.

I think also the children are old enough for you to tell them, their father has demanded court ordered contact and that he wants the court ordered contact to be stuck to rigidly, and if he really wanted to take them out he would do so on his time as he is aware perfectly well when his contact days are.
I'd point out that he wants your children to argue with you and be miserable. If he really felt like taking them out surely he would during his time and he doesn't.

You really have to disengage form this type of parent, I had years of being dragged to court till I got a judge who had sense enough to see ex was abusive and using the courts to continue the abuse.

@fuzzywuzzy if I got a new phone number then the children wouldn't be able to contact me when they are away with him as he'd get my number off then. His number is blocked but he calls with his number withheld so I generally know it's him and ignore it. He always leaves s message but I don't listen to them for days sometimes. The anxiety of what he's said eats me up though so not sure if it would be better just to listen straight away. Maybe I could turn off my voicemail.

@fuzzywuzzy I've spoken to my mobile provider and hopefully now he can't contact me at all

Honestly it’s just practice. There is an overwhelming urge to check those. Voicemails, but it’s a sign you are still in the abuse cycle. I used to get a close friend to look at texts/voicemails for every few weeks and just tell me if there were any pertinent contact points. There never were, suggesting new times etc is not part of it. She’d then photo them on her phone - just in case he wanted court etc and delete on mine.

You need something like this. It’s really, really important that you don’t listen to them ever.

the anxiety of he’s said eats me up...’ me too I felt like this. Totally relate. But we both know they are usually attacks and not pleasant. Why are we allowing themin? The anxiety gradually passes and if you are strong, a fantastic feeling of relief and freedom replaces it. It took me about a year of ignoring ALL communication to feel this.

Now. I wish I’d done it sooner.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 thank you, you've inspired me now. I always worry there'll be something urgent but he can always go via the solicitor. At least he can't call from either his phone or a number not in my contacts including a withheld number. He'll just pester my solicitor and they know not to pass on anything unless it's important.
I'm worried now he'll start coming to the door at drop off times instead and try to speak to me then which will be in front of the children. Am just going to revert to "contact is set in the order and that's what I'm sticking to." I had hoped, as did court, carcass, social services etc that with time he'd stop being an arse but experience told me he'd probably never stop.

Another line to say to the DC "Why do you think Dad has arranged for that when it is your weekend with me and he knows we all have to stick to the contact order?" You don't say it nastily or as an accusation but it will let them open up to what they think is going on and deal with the huge feelings they must have about it all?

Same with any comments he or gf have said "Oh she said x, oh why do you think she said that?"

Doesn't matter if they come to the right or wrong conclusion it's about empowering them to deal with their emotional conflict and giving them words to label their feelings

I sympathise completely. It’s horrible isn’t it. My Ex wasn’t nasty often but at least a couple of times a year I’d get a flurry of horrible messages. Very provocative. If I didn’t reply he’d up the stakes and say that not talking was very nasty, that he just needed to Skype and we could be upfront, that I was not looking after DS properly... on and on. I’d cry each time.

I had moved town quite a long way away with DS so I think part of me felt guilty and as if he was justified. Despite doing all the travelling. However they are NEVER justified in abusing you. 10 years of it I had before a new BF made me realise it was completely wrong. Now I realise he’s just a horrible bully, I’ve bought up DS on my own without any help, and constant put downs and he’s selfish enough not to have cared how conflicted it made DS about me just to hammer home his displeasure. He then got his family involved too.

So I can’t imagine how awful it would be to have this even more often. Classic abuse.

He may well ramp up any openings to have a go at you. Can you have a very clear system when he comes to the door? Have a friend around, or find some way never to talk and never let him in. Think through this now.

@random has good points. My DS was visibly uncomfortable every time I stood up for myself as I said things like
‘I’m sorry if it’s frustrating for you, however it is very clear between us through the courts that all activities with your Dad are to be on his contact days’. Followed by ‘I know it’s hard for you, however it is not fair to take out your frustration on me’. Followed up by either giving him space or asking DS what he wants for dinner. No drama! Just asserting ourselves and not letting our kids be used to hate us.

They will come to their own minds over time, don’t tell them what they should think of their Dad. However they will have a good healthy role model of a mum who is showing them she can live her life and be fair and caring too. Good luck!

How do you handle school issues though if you're not communicating? I feel I can't discuss anything for fear he'll start going on about things from the past or things to do with the divorce.

I personally didn’t. If he wants to be aware of school issues he will directly contact them.

Do you have any major issues with regards schooling?

I did tell the school that I was divorced, ex was abusive & I did not communicate with him at all unless regarding contact. So he may get in touch with them for reports etc which he was perfectly entitled to.

He never did.

One of the children is being bullied. He is aware of this and we have both been into school. I'd like to be able to keep him in the loop but school can do that along with our child as they are old enough.

There is a new solicitor starting at the firm who is taking over my case and so they are organising an appointment for us to meet and discuss everything which is good.