Anxiety and crippling jealousy after being left for another woman

[Soannoyedwithmyself]

My partner of six years walked out in January, unbeknown to me he’d been having an affair with his ex for three months.

He has practically moved in with her and her kids, our two kids rarely see him. Apparently his social media is full of photos of their perfect life together and he portrays them them as a new family unit with her children. Three boys which allows him to do all the football/ car stuff he has always been interested in. He spent all his time while with me doing hobbies, these seem to have taken a back seat as he focuses his attention on her.

I had a few months where I really struggled to function other than going to work and caring for the children. I know logically I don’t want him back after all he’s done yet I’m so jealous of his new relationship and the way he treats her. He never made time for us at weekends yet spends his whole weekend with her doing family things. He seems so loved up with her yet was emotionally abusive to me during our relationship. She has the man I always wanted, he never treated me as well as he treats her.

I wake up and instantly feel sick. I picture him in bed with her, having a lazy Sunday together. I keep looking online trying to find things out. I met a lovely man through a friend a few weeks ago who is good for me but I’m too scared to try. I can’t get this feeling of jealousy out of my head. I’m scared of letting go of him for good. I feel so worthless that he moved on without a second glance.

Sorry to hear what you’re going through. Not sure I have advice I’m sorry other than I think with time things will get better and you will feel better and more happy in where you are.

I can say with certainty you are definitely better off without him (if that helps?)

Also, surely he and his ex initially broke up for a reason...take solace in the fact that their honeymoon period of reuniting is destined to end soon too...

Social media is like reality tv: it's all lies! It's edited to show the best bits. People don't post the kids with flu or their arguments, they post what will show off to others. The best thing you can do is get off social media until you can resist looking at his supposed happy life.
Presumably he was lovely to you at the beginning too? The abuse came slowly and gradually. It'll be the same in his new relationship. He'll sucker her in with Mr lovely Family guy, but his true self will creep through. He won't be able to help himself: it's in his nature!!! You have no idea how he is treating her. Just assumptions and that's through a filter of jealousy and low self esteem.

So off social media and on to counselling.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Can you make time to get some counselling? I found talking this all through with a professional in a safe environment really useful when I was recovering from an abusive relationship.

Also, have you seen a solicitor? And would you and your kids like him to resume more contact with them? He needs to put them first too if that's what they want. (And would give you some time out for yourself?

Lastly as a single parent I can tell you it will get easier with time.

They were early 20s when they dated, he’s since had two marriages and me. It’s made out online as if it’s meant to be. I’ve never before been a jealous person but this is so difficult to shake off. I feel like a cyber stalker trying to get information on them both. And then when I find it, I feel even worse and more pathetic. I still miss him and hate that he’s sexually intimate with her rather than me.

It's absolutely no wonder you feel they way you do, I'm so sorry you've had such an awful time 😔.

Totally agree with other posters about the social media, it is not representative of real life, all edited to make things look perfect.'

The shine will eventually come off his new situation, and time will heal you. Such a cliche I know, but it is true.

Allow yourself time to feel this way, and be kind to yourself. Try to do small things that make you feel good, and nurture your existing relationships (friends/family and your children).
This will pass and you will move onto a new chapter 💐

I’ve gone to counselling which has been really useful. I can trace the emotionally abusive/gaslighting patterns back to my childhood. It has always been the norm for me which is why I didn’t see how I was being treated until too late.

However my willpower is crap. My counsellor says to resist and has advised me what to do when I want to look them up online/go to see if he’s parked at hers/look up his friends to find out what he’s been doing with them. But I keep breaking it. And then I get so annoyed with myself.

I’ve met someone who genuinely wants to date me and could be very good for me. But I’m so scared to open up and risk getting hurt. And I’m scared to accept that he’s gone for good.

Our two children would like to see him, they are 4 and 3. I’ve messaged him about this nine or ten times since he left, they are left unread. Phone calls ring out. A note pushed through her door was ignored. So I give up. The house was mine, he took his belongings at the time he left. He hasn’t paid a penny and I don’t want his money, I can manage without. The only time he saw them was accidentally bumping into them in Frankie and Bennys when my cousin took them out for lunch with her kids. He was with her and her boys, he told them he’d ring them that evening but never did.

He hasnt paid a penny and I can manage without..
You shouldn't though and I suspect hes ignoring you on purpose, so you'd go away quitely and have no demands.Id contact him one more time, making clear demands about maintain and visitation schedule, if this is ignored Id go straight to child maintenance services.

Why arent you claiming maintenance?

I dont want his money, I can manage without

Maintenance is not about what you want/need, its about his obligations to his children. If you don't want to use it, then put it away for your childrens futures, or to use when life gets more expensive (as it does when they get into technology!) but you really should be claiming it. At the moment you are letting him walk away as if he never had children with you, why?

You need to get angry on behalf of the kids, you cant make him see them, you CAN make him pay for their upbringing.

As others have said, his new life wont be as rosy as SM paints it as, but whatever it is, he should be paying for the children he has fathered - please contact CSA ASAP.

With his history he'll move on again in a few years, so no need to be jealous.

But you should make sure he pays for his children, it's for them, not you and he has obligations.

Don't get the money for you, get the money for them. As others have said you could always just let it build up in their bank accounts.

Has he not mentioned wanting to see you DCs?

Unfortunately that’s the thing with social media - we only see what other people want us to see. He’s not going to post about their domestic over breakfast this morning is he.

I think to try move forward you need to find the mind strength from somewhere to block him out and stop exposing yourself to his new life. Other wise it’s just like picking a healing scab. I no it’s tough - trust me. But imagining them laid in bed together is just torturing yourself for no reason you don’t know whether it’s true or not it’s just your imagination driving you mad. As soon as it creeps into your head politely thank your brain for reminding you why your better off without him and think of something positive about your life / the world. Your mind is your most powerful tool in succeeding at this. You don’t know he is not being emotionally abusive to her or will end up being - thank your lucky stars your free instead of focusing on a ‘could of been’ which never was.

You’ve got this 💪💪💪

I agree with those saying he should pay regardless of whether you want the money. It’s his obligation and you can save it if need be

I'm so sorry OP. Sounds awful and you're punishing yourself daily.

You're jealous of a life you never had. He was emotionally abusive, never there for you at weekends, he didn't seem like a nice character.

What you see is the edited good bits. Don't miss him. You really are better off without him. He sounds a bit flighty and his relationship with her may or may not stick. Who really knows.

It'll take time for you to get over it. But don't look at their relationship and think it's what you had because it isn't. Never will be. Look at it and think maybe it's something you can have when you're ready to move on. Think of it as your future without him.

Good luck OP. Stay strong

Take his money and put it into an account for the children. It's there if you need it. But if you can't bring yourself to use it, your children can. Make that their choice.

Also take his money because the twat can't just piss off without responsibility again.
It's time he was made accountable.

This is very fresh; it's only been a few months, and it's been a massive life-changing shock: of course you haven't "shaken it off"! Hurting badly is the normal reaction anyone with real human feelings would have. Your ex is avoiding any normal reaction by launching himself manically into a new life as Mr Happy and pretending he doen't have a wife and children. You can't hide your head in the sand and are processing what's happened.

When you get the maintenance money sorted out that will bring him back down to the real world, remind him of his responsibilities and maybe he will even face up to the fact that he needs to be doing things with his kids.

You're at the obsessive, stalkery stage but it will pass. Your counsellor has a good idea there about finding an alternative activity you can do when you're tempted to obsess.

Sounds like it would be a good idea to spend a while alone until you feel up to a new relationship with the usual highs and lows.

OP in the nicest possible way you know absolutely nothing about how he treats her and what their relationship is like. FB is all smoke and mirrors. He's had 2 wives since he was with her previously and also a relationship and children with you. He's now ignoring all of you. I am so sorry he has no interest in the children you have together. It's so hurtful. He really is despicable. Does he have children from previous relationships?

For your own self-respect, please contact CMS and start a child maintenance claim. I think you're acting from pride and being hurt but he has a legal obligation to support his children and even if you can easily manage without this money, he should be made to pay it. If nothing else, put it away for your little ones when they are older.

It takes a long time to get over hurt like this. I would seek more counselling. You will get over it, even if you think you never will.

Please claim CM even if you don't need it now. Trust me, in 10 years time you will be glad you did! School trips to Madagascar, skiing, Camp America, then driving lessons, Proms, university... the list is endless.

He sounds like he just flits from woman to woman like some self-appointed sex god. You are worth more. Hope you start to feel better soon.

How many other of his exes are not claiming maintenance? Must be very helpful to him - helps finance his "no ties" lifestyle.

I echo livsmum4 try to control your thoughts about him. Been there myself - cyber stalking, torturing myself, thinking about an ex above everything else. I found I was making myself ill. Didn't care about myself, only what HE was doing, imagining scenarios, wondering why I was awful he no longer wanted any contact whatsoever.....

Eventually I started shouting "STOP!" to myself when these intrusive thoughts came. Out loud if alone, in my head when with others. Then I'd do something - even trawling the net for something of interest when I couldn't face going out socially.

It took time, but eventually I thought about him less and less. Worse that you have DC together and he is being a tool about them too - but his loss. Treat yourself as if you're in convolescence, find small comforts and treats for yourself.

Be your own best friend - and keep posting for support here!

The way he is treating you and his children shows you all you need to know about what sort of person he is. You’re better off without him, even though it feels really hard now. Even if things are good with him and his ex (and looking happy on fb proves nothing), the novelty will soon wear off and he’ll be moving onto someone else.

Agree 100% with PPs that you should claim maintenance. Your children are entitled to it, whether or not you think you need it. Why let him spend money that should be going to your kids on his new gf and her kids?

Truly happy people don’t try to validate their new life by showing off every detail on social media. Think of the most content people you know, I bet they’re not showing off on social media, they don’t need ‘likes’ or views to validate they’re happy as they are. I guarantee he’s not as happy as he makes out. How can he be? He’s abandoned his children.
Get the money he owes your children and give them a true happy experience with it, not one orchestrated for Facebook likes x

Awful situation for you, OP but I think you are well rid. He sounds like he was absent even when he was with you, and the children will be better of without a dad who clearly doesn't care, however hard that is to understand.

And it is hard to understand that. But just because he is not acknowledging his children doesn't mean he can ignore his responsibilities to them. Claim everything you are entitled to from him to support your children.

And please do go on those dates with that nice new man. Good thinks can happen and it will give you some perspective. Take things slowly but it will help you back to yourself, if you know what I mean.

I have been there. It was such a horrible time that I can remember saying " I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...not even the OW" that is how bad it was.

You need to look after you. Slowly start to take control.
Cliche but time heals.
Things that helped me - which are all about taking control and being kind to yourself.

• Doing things my ex wouldn't let me do
• Having a good haircut and new clothes. Met him accidentally when I looked fab....and secretly congratulated myself.
• Stopped ALL contact other than official stuff
• Fought him every step of the way for maintenance. ( to gain only what the kids were entitled to, nothing more)
• Planned my own successful life ( he said I would never reach leadership level in my job...I have)
• Spent quality time with my children ( and gloated at all he was missing, whether he felt that or not. I know how I would have felt missing out by life without my children)
• My children did spend time with their dad and OW. I ( rightly or wrongly - but the only way I could cope) asked my children to not share with me any of the details of time in their house.
• Decided I wanted to move away ( he said I couldn't and wouldn't.) - couldn't stomach the thought of meeting him out with OW and even more so them with our children - and did move ( still within travelling so that parent/ child relationship could continue).
• he would write me pages and pages of emotionally abusive letters - eventually I was able to not even open them and smile at the thought that he thought I read them and was interested at all in anything he might say. I could laugh at the amount of time he must have wasted!
• didn't get involved with anyone else. I was asked - but strongly felt that my life was so sh*t that it was unfair to bring anyone else into it. Eventually I met someone else but we started very slowly with a 'no date' but lots of chats and coffee policy!
• Visited a fortune teller - who told me not to worry it would all turn out alright for me in the end. ( may have been rubbish but gave me the faith I needed at the time). The best bit were her words " just remember he will still have to wash up with her" - her way of saying that life may appear to be better elsewhere but really it isn't!

Take care of yourself. It took me over two years to slowly be able to put my life back on track.

Thank you all, I will look into the maintenance side of things tomorrow and get the ball rolling. I just wanted to hide away from him which is why I’ve not pursued him before. I felt so worthless and second best because he’d chosen this other woman over me and appears to have learned from his mistakes with me.