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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you forgive this? Am I overreacting?

36 replies

flyingsaucersherbet · 22/07/2018 04:28

Looking at dp phone together tonight and a message popped up with a facial shot of a lady and the comment “feeling naughty”. I asked to see the rest of the messages and the previous one was her saying she knows all the reasons why they shouldn’t be together but that she can’t help thinking about it, and then another saying sorry. He has sent 2 kisses in reply, but no comment. The message before that was at lunch time her asking if she could send him porn and him saying “haha, go on then”.

I know of the girl in question - she is a relative of his on his ex wife’s side and she lives on other side of the world. I know there’s no question of anything physical having happened, but I feel absolutely winded and gutted by this.

I don’t care what she has sent, as he can’t control that, but his reaction to the porn comment and just sending kisses in response to her other comments but not shutting it down feels so disloyal and hurtful. He knew what he was doing in replying like that would hurt me, but he did it anyway. How do I regain that trust? I don’t ever want to be the type of woman sneaking looks at her partners phone, I’ve been there and it was horrible and so slowly destructive.

Dp asleep upstairs now and I just can’t stop thinking, but at the same time my head feels empty and numb.

I’ve looked and these messages are out the blue, last contact before that was April, but that doesn’t ring true either. I’m going to ask to see dp phone again in the morning.

How do I move forward with this? How should I be feeling? Ds is going to be up in a few hours and I’ve had no sleep, I just never expected this at all from dp, I’m so gutted.

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 22/07/2018 04:35

He has sent 2 kisses in reply, but no comment. The message before that was at lunch time her asking if she could send him porn and him saying “haha, go on then”.

I think this tells you all you need to know. The only acceptable responses to such messages from someone in a relationship are: 1. None, or 2. Please don't contact me again.

This would be a deal-breaker for me.

Emmageddon · 22/07/2018 04:38

He has to delete and block this woman. His responses are totally inappropriate and giving her encouragement. How did she get his number? He has a lot of explaining to do.

Original poster
flyingsaucersherbet · 22/07/2018 04:45

She’s a relative of his ex wife, he says she is very unstable which is why he replied the way he did, and they had a connection as she was only one there for him when he first was going through his divorce. It’s worth saying as well that she is bisexual, and going through a girl phase, so he keeps saying to me (in defence of the texts) that she’s a lesbian. I honestly don’t care anything much about her (not in a horrible way) it’s his reaction and replies that have gutted me.

I messaged her back at the time and said her messages were inappropriate and had caused a lot of hurt and she replied saying she’s very sorry and that was never her intention. He’s so far sent nothing but says that the friendship between them is over now.

My head feels so broken over this. I don’t know how to get past it, but I don’t want to throw away a good relationship either if I’m over reacting.

OP posts:
Soulstirring · 22/07/2018 04:46

What has he said about this? You are not overreacting, if anything I think you are amazingly calm. He can’t control what she sends but the conversation about why they shouldn’t be together sounds two sided. Don’t settle for being fobbed off. You deserve answers in order to make an informed decision

Original poster
flyingsaucersherbet · 22/07/2018 04:46

Thank you for your replies. I’m on the sofa feeling so bloody alone and I’m not making much sense of this by myself Flowers

OP posts:
Soulstirring · 22/07/2018 04:49

Sorry, cross post. The lesbian comment is nonsense to me I’m afraid and sounds like classic deflection. What is your instinct telling you?

Original poster
flyingsaucersherbet · 22/07/2018 04:52

He swore on his kids life that it was out the blue, they’d never sent naked pics or anything, but said he couldn’t swear on the kids lives that they had never discussed this together in the past as he can’t remember.

He’s defensive and keeps saying that she’s on other side of the world, he was curious about the kind of porn she would send as she’s lesbian and that he is incredibly sorry for hurting me and will do whatever it takes to make it better.

I feel too calm. I cried and tried to throw him out when I first saw the messages, and I threw his phone on the floor. Now though, I feel nothing. I can’t cry, I’m just sat here. That’s not normal is it? I don’t know why I’m not falling apart.

OP posts:
Snipples · 22/07/2018 04:55

Op please don't be taken for a mug. It doesn't matter if she lives halfway round the world or in the House next door. It's completely inappropriate and out of order. All this swearing on the kids lives but is utter nonsense too. You know what you've seen.

He's got a roving eye and can't be trusted. Sorry. He's trying to minimize it and make it out like you're overreacting and that it's no big deal. But it is.

Original poster
flyingsaucersherbet · 22/07/2018 04:57

Cross posts my end too. Agree lesbian comment feels like rubbish, I genuinely don’t care if she’s a hairy trucker, it’s HIS reaction to it that has hurt me.

I’m confused. He leaves his phone with me, we look at it together all the time (sporner videos!) he is genuinely chilled with me seeing it. That said, she’s in Australia so the time difference would probably make that easier for him to feel like that.

Thank you for replying, I don’t know how I should be feeling. I trust he’s not done anything in the flesh with anyone, but this is so disloyal and disrespectful that it’s not even about cheating as such. Does that make sense? He doesn’t understand that from me I don’t think.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 22/07/2018 05:09

...it was out the blue, they’d never sent naked pics or anything, but said he couldn’t swear on the kids lives that they had never discussed this together in the past as he can’t remember.

I would bet the farm that this was all lies.

fieryginger · 22/07/2018 05:10

I think, considering she's on the other side of the world, he's risking his family for cheap thrills. It's utterly disrespectful to you, I would be furious. I'd feel mocked by the pair of them.

How you move forward with this is up to you, he needs to know that he should know, why this is a gross breach of trust.

If he'll behave like this with one woman, regardless of where she lives, he'll do it with another, especially if he gets away with it. How you react to this is crucial.

mathanxiety · 22/07/2018 05:10

You feel as if you are falling apart and this is completely normal.

You have been hit by the relationship equivalent of a juggernaut.

Monty27 · 22/07/2018 05:49

He sounds like a twat.
Leave them to it and run. Fast.

bubbles108 · 22/07/2018 06:02

It seems to me that he's been looking for some cheap thrills. Porn. Is that a deal breaker for you?

Billben · 22/07/2018 06:26

He seems easily swayed to me.

RadishesAndLentils · 22/07/2018 06:39

she is bisexual, and going through a girl phase

Such an odd way of putting it. Were these his words? I'm bisexual. I'm currently with a man but I don't go through "phases".

The swearing on your kids' lives thing pisses me off. Unless you believe in a particularly vengeful and literal-minded God, it's utterly meaningless. I could swear anything on my daughter's life. Nothing is going to happen to her if I'm lying.

This is cheating. He had the opportunity to close the conversation down and/or block her. He chose not to.

KataraJean · 22/07/2018 06:50

Yes, the swearing on children’s lives annoys me too. It is melodramatic and making them pawns in the discussion which is inappropriate. Your children have nothing to do with whether their father is telling the truth or not. It is manipulative of him to bring DC into it.

Slartybartfast · 22/07/2018 07:05

i dont see he has done anything wrong . he hasnt encouraged her in my opinion. just tryign not to rock the boat

AnyFucker · 22/07/2018 07:14

Why did his marriage end ?

Pooshy · 22/07/2018 07:19

Yes, what happened in his previous marriage?

confusedscared2018 · 22/07/2018 08:26

He's basically been sexting and exchanging pictures with her. I'm guessing that her picture and the 'feeling naughty?' Was an invitation for a bit of 'fun'. He probably thinks he would be able to get away with it because she does live far away but even if they're not physical he is wanking over her and being totally inappropriate and in my opinion this is most definitely cheating. He's probably rehearsed his explanation many times before. If it's on WhatsApp the convos will be all backed up and you can retrieve them

waxy1 · 22/07/2018 08:31

They’re always “unstable,” aren’t they!

hibeat · 22/07/2018 08:34

This is blunt cheating in my book. Emotional attachment to a woman that is not his wife. What next ? Sex starts with the mind. Whodunnit ? Both of them.

Shoxfordian · 22/07/2018 08:35

He's hugely disrespectful and disloyal. I would seriosuly consider leaving him over this op. It's disgusting behaviour.

LizzieSiddal · 22/07/2018 08:36

You’ve had a devastating shock, you need a few days to process what’s happening.

I’d ask him to move out whilst you decide what happens next.