Would you forgive this? Am I overreacting?

[flyingsaucersherbet]

Looking at dp phone together tonight and a message popped up with a facial shot of a lady and the comment “feeling naughty”. I asked to see the rest of the messages and the previous one was her saying she knows all the reasons why they shouldn’t be together but that she can’t help thinking about it, and then another saying sorry. He has sent 2 kisses in reply, but no comment. The message before that was at lunch time her asking if she could send him porn and him saying “haha, go on then”.

I know of the girl in question - she is a relative of his on his ex wife’s side and she lives on other side of the world. I know there’s no question of anything physical having happened, but I feel absolutely winded and gutted by this.

I don’t care what she has sent, as he can’t control that, but his reaction to the porn comment and just sending kisses in response to her other comments but not shutting it down feels so disloyal and hurtful. He knew what he was doing in replying like that would hurt me, but he did it anyway. How do I regain that trust? I don’t ever want to be the type of woman sneaking looks at her partners phone, I’ve been there and it was horrible and so slowly destructive.

Dp asleep upstairs now and I just can’t stop thinking, but at the same time my head feels empty and numb.

I’ve looked and these messages are out the blue, last contact before that was April, but that doesn’t ring true either. I’m going to ask to see dp phone again in the morning.

How do I move forward with this? How should I be feeling? Ds is going to be up in a few hours and I’ve had no sleep, I just never expected this at all from dp, I’m so gutted.

YANBU. He is cheating on you. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. As pp said, he should have not replied, or told her to leave him alone. His replies are totally inappropriate and I’d seriously reconsider the relationship.

he couldn’t swear on the kids lives that they had never discussed this together in the past as he can’t remember
Of course you can remember whether someone has previously sent you porn or not. Unless you have loads of friends who might potentially send you porn and you don't know which have done. He's grasping at straws.

Op his story is utter bullshit. You know this. We all know this. Whether you wish to tolerate it is your call.

Is it possible there is another phone in use?

Even if you take him at his word; he's flirting with another woman. Doesn't matter how far away she is; or who she is; or whether she'd actually want to have sex with him. He wanted a cheap thrill.

Now you have to decide if you're happy being with someone who is going to exchange sexts with random other women for kicks.

I strongly believe that once this becomes "acceptable" in someone's head; and they start doing it, they won't stop.

The fact he's encouraged and gone along with it would be enough for me to end things. He's shown you no thought in any of this.

What does he mean unstable exactly? If she's so "unstable" why encourage her by agreeing to see her video.

I think it's bullshit.

You are so not overreacting. He doesn't have a boundary to prevent this behaviour - or it wouldn't have happened. Indeed, he's still trying to defend it as acceptable.

This is the one you know about. Have there been others? Will there be more in the future?

Forgiving...that could only come after he gets to the point where he acknowledges the hurt, decides he shouldn't have, that he won't in the future, and that you believe that.
He's put you at the start of that long painful road. Maybe if you take it a step at a time, coming to terms with where you are, and not being pushed into moving on faster than you can.

What sort of a man exploits an 'unstable' woman for his own gratification?

swearing on children’s lives

Words are cheap though, aren't they.

^^ indeed