Feeling my mum isn't really bothered about me

[Gorrillagirlfanclub]

I'm posting with the hope of hearing from people who have had the same experience with their parents particularly mum. I just feel like she's not really bothered about my life or making much effort to spend time with me.

As a bit of background ; I'm in my early 30's I have a sister who has a toddler I have no children but a long term partner I live with. I live in the same area as my family all around max 30 min drive to each others houses. I lived in another part of the county for several years and returned to my home town a few years ago.

There are lots of examples I could give about her general disinterest. For example, myself and my partner bought our first home 6ish months ago and my mum has been to my house 3 times. Where as she pops into see my sister at least weekly, this is to see her grandchild too. She has also reduced her working hours to take care of her grandchild which makes a significant financial difference to my sister.

I mention these things not because I'm jealous of her but because I feel it shows my mum is able to help people out and show an interest in others lives. She does also do some of things she does to me to my sister in some ways.

I've been pushed to post as she recently made a comment I found pretty hurtful. My sister and her child visited me for coffee on a day last week. My mum said that she had been very close by to my house and had she known they were at my house she would have come round. I took that to mean that she wouldn't have come round just to see me. (which she didn't)

When I do see her she never asks about my life. She is often moody and I end up wondering if I've done or said something. She will often seem unkeen when I try to make plans.

I just feel like I keep trying to make an effort and have a relationship and I don't know why I bother. It's not like she is like the parents mentioned on the stately homes thread. So it's not like I can just put our relationship in a box and label it abusive or neglectful. On the other hand it's really bad for my self esteem to know how disinterested she is and for me to keep trying to have a meaningful relationship. When I think about the effort that goes into raising a child I do find it baffling that they could get to adulthood and you're just not bothered about their life.

Perhaps I'm expecting too much from her?

You sound jealous.....of your sister....

My mum is abit like this - although I live quite a distance from her. I have started to distance myself from her - minimal contact. As she was making me feel bad

My dad is like this. He sees my brother (who has kids) every few weeks. My brother lives three hours away. I live 30 minutes away. He visits me once every 1.5 - 2 years. I just gave up to be honest. It's easier to not invite him and not expect a visit.

I have also decided that I won't take care of him when he gets older. If he won't care about me then I'm not going to sacrifice my time for him.

pallasathena

That's really helpful thanks.

As the other more helpful posters have said I have started to distance myself a bit. But then I still would like to be able to reconcile myself to her just not being bothered and I don't know how.

Sorry you are feeling like this, I don’t have a relationship with my mum anymore, been NC for many years, so I am probably not the best person to advise.

Unfortunately some parents do not love unconditionally and have favourites. It’s not your fault, accept it for what it is and move on with your life easier said than done I know.

I would say the grandchildren have a huge part to play in it. She's visiting them mainly, not your sister. My family are very similar but I am the one with the children and I know it upsets my siblings. Could you speak to your sister about and get her to have a word with your mum? It may all be completely unintentional.

You do not sound jealous of your sister.

My dh parents are like this with him, tbh. It's not very pleasant but also not bad enough to really make a fuss. We have a very detached relationship these days.

Do you think she got used to you not being there, when you lived away? Or is it about your sister having a child? Or has she always not been bothered about you?

It's all about the grandchildren really.

I can sympathise. I lived for 4 years in a town about 5 hours by train / longer by car away from my parents. They never visited me once there in those 4 years (they were retired and pretty active /lots of travel to other places, so had time, money and ability. ). My brother lives in a country a 12 hour flight away and they visited him annually. and any time he was in the UK (an hour away from me) my mum would get on a train to visit him. Its just how it is sadly. They are much less interested in me. They have improved their attitude since i got married and had kids, but I can't forget the general lack of interest.

Just live your own life. Its not about your dsis its the grandchild. Thats the attraction. I don't see the problem with them minding him . Surely it makes sense if they want to. If you had had a child first they would probably be all over him and mind him too. You are not comparing like with like. Just have your own relationship with your parents and forget about your sister. As you get sensitive about this you are picking up on every little thing.

I can relate to this. My mum and sister live in each other’s pockets. I am very much on the outside. I live about 1/2 hour away, Mum comes over 2-3 times a year and usually for a reason (eg kids birthday). I visit her every week. She never phones me, I’m always the one to call. I did try once to see how long before she made contact, after 2 1/2 weeks I broke and text her.
I’m not (and never have been) close to my sister and we are very different. At times it has really hurt me, I think it has been part of my depression, which I have never discussed with them.
Me and my sister have children, but hers are definitely favoured over mine, which makes me sad for them.
I’m never asked for help and my offers are always turned down.
I can’t really advise except I have just had to make peace with the situation. I’m pleasant to them and they don’t bitch to me (I imagine they do behind my back). I have a busy life and friends who I interact with more. I focus on my life/children.
I tell myself they don’t see it as I do and that’s their short sightedness not mine.
I’ve never been brave enough to bring it up with them through fear of loosing them altogether and they are my only family.
Take care OP

It's not very pleasant but also not bad enough to really make a fuss

This pretty much sums it up. Thanks for the replies I've woken up feeling really low this morning on the verge of tears and I know it's because of this.

I do understand grandchildren have a part to play and I adore my sisters child. I feel she has always not been that bothered there were times when I lived away that she would make an effort to visit. But was always fairly rubbish at calling or chatting when I called her. I know my sister has at times felt like this so although mow it feels pretty unequal I wonder if it is just something in her.
She is able to be supportive but only when I have explicitly said I'm not doing well, for example. There have been other times when things are clearly tough and it's like she would never even think about my life enough to realise.

Also I just wanted to say it isn't that I'm expecting this from her and not interested and supportive in return. I talk to her about her life way more than the other way around.

I feel like I'm at a point where I could analyse the reasons for her behaviour forever but that isn't going to help. As the other posters have said I need accept it's not me and move on. But that is easier said than done as I feel for may reasons led to expect more.

A few more posts were added as I added a post...
As you get sensitive about this you are picking up on every little thing this is very true!

I don't have an issue with her minding her grandchild it was really to demonstrate she's able to do things for others and their is an enequality. I'm close to my sister and totally understand how difficult having your first child is. So don't begrudge her support from my mum. As I've said my sister has also had experience of this so I feel at times it is just how it is and others that the effort she makes is very unequal.

It is hard to just accept and build a reasonable based on how she is. As if a friend was like this we'd no longer be friends! It's also hard to put effort in and be supportive when you feel the other person isn't that bothered.

OP how long has this been going on for? Could you ask your mum outright or would that be too awkward?

I went through a period with my mum that was similar to you (before I had kids) - however I wasn't bothered by the limited contact as my mum is hard work.

She has been very involved since I had children though. But I know that this is because she wants to be involved with my children rather than me.

I have a relationship of sorts nowadays with my mother but would not describe it as close at all. Its a form of emotional neglect in my view and she in particular has always favoured my brother mainly because she sees him as being less capable. He is also very demanding and when he shouts jump mum and dad say how high?. She also being not like the parents mentioned in the Stately homes thread does not make her or this situation any better.

What you describe here is emotional neglect really because you've been basically seen as more capable. This can make you more trusted by parents i.e. left to get on with it. This is also a familial dynamic that goes back years and almost certainly predates your and your sister's births.

I read June's comments of yours, "If you had had a child first they would probably be all over him and mind him too" with interest but this did not happen in my case. Their overall lack of interest also extended to my child; they were and remain the epitome of disinterested grandparents with the result being that my now adult child has little to no relationship with them.

Its not you, its your mother. Its not your fault she is like this and neither you or your sister make her that way.

It may well be that your mother sees you as somehow being more capable than your sister.

You would not have tolerated this from a friend, you do not have to tolerate this at all from your mother. Think further about raising your own boundaries re your mother, put higher boundaries in place and re-examine them on a regular basis.

I had a v similar family life to you OP. I brought it up and my parents denied it and tried to tell me it was all in my head. Total gaslighting. When I pointed this out my mum went NC. So we no longer speak and I have no family other than my husband and DC now. I know my mum is telling people that I refuse to talk to her, I'm being unreasonable etc But it's her choice to go NC and I believe it's what she's wanted for years just needed an excuse to do it. For example, she'd see my sibling regularly but would only speak to me briefly on the phone once a month or so, I remember once on the phone she said she'd had a lovely weekend as "all the family came over for Sunday dinner" err well last time I checked I was family and I'd had no invite! Constant things like that left me feeling terrible. Sounds similar to your story OP.

Tbh I feel much better without them in my life messing with my self esteem. They were useless parents and it's better that they aren't in my life. Sometimes I feel low about it but I try to let it go. No one has a perfect life but I have a lovely DH and DC and great friends, and that's enough for me.

Take care of yourself OP xx

OP your mum’s comment about popping in if she knew your sister was visiting is very hurtful. Could you bring this up? “Mum, I’ve been thinking about what you said - that you’d have come round if you knew sis was here, but why wouldn’t you have popped in just to see me? I felt very hurt and that you’re not bothered about seeing just me.” Perhaps it will make her think about her behaviour and it’s showing your feelings about one specific thing she’s said rather than her many actions. But maybe it would cause more problems.

OP my parents have come to see me once in the last 5 years. We go and see them once a year. I get a five minute phone call or an email once every couple of months. I have teenage DC. This is the way it’s always been, they hardly visited when the kids were young either, they are not horrible people or abusive but just not interested or wanting to be involved in any way. I have a brother and to be honest they are similar with him. It’s very sad and I think has caused me a lot of mental health problems as I grew up with parents who were always emotionally absent. The main thing though is that I have a close and very loving relationship with my own DC as I vowed never to behave like my own parents had to me. Now that I am older I feel more accepting of the situation and have an understanding of the fact that my parents both had emotionally absent parents themselves and experienced their own problems. I wish I could give you a big hug, but in the absence of that just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone x

My PIL are like this too. They go on and on about being equal to all their children when in reality they favour and help their daughter much more. We just laugh about it now and have learnt not to rely on them. It's their loss mainly, not ours.

You said that "... it's really bad for my self esteem to know how disinterested she is and for me to keep trying to have a meaningful relationship." She will probably not change, and it's unlikely she'd suddenly start to take an interest in your life now, if it hasn't happened already. It's time to build those meaningful relationship with other relatives or perhaps your partner's relatives. You can rightfully be a little bit sad about what never was and never will be, but it's not your fault that things are as they are.

My dad was a bit like that. You could for example read in the papers about parents really going out on a limb to help their children, flying around to the other side of the globe if necessary, but I knew in my heart of hearts that if something bad were to happen to me, he'd in all likelihood would just shrug and sigh, and say it was too sad, but add that he himself was too ill and not equipped to help in any way, and go on to do whatever he was doing. He also never managed to know my phone number, and asked for it whenever I pointed out that he never called, and added "it's the children's task to call their parents, not the other way around". At one time he mixed my birthday up with someone else's, and it wasn't because of alzheimers, just plain disinterest. (Knowing that you don't matter to the parent really does cause a certain feeling of abandonment and of being exposed, unprotected, and it can be a bit hard to cope with the feeling that you're entirely on your own.)

It’s all about the young grandchildren - she’s been a mum and now enjoying the experience again through her grandchildren. Don’t take it personally - try and spend some quality time with your mum doing something you both enjoy - perhaps make her some cupcakes and pop round for a cuppa?

OP - i am sorry - but your post sounds really immature and self centered.
You are in your 30s and an adult. At this point of time - it’s up to you to start ‘paying it back’ to your mom.
Visit her, be interested in HER life.
And not count times she visited you and asked about your life.

As you said - it’s a lot of effort, and selfless kind - rasing children. And at some point the children need to grow up and be on their own, and give back a little bit of what they got as kids to their parents.

As to her visiting the grandkid - come on, really????
And being hurt because she wanted to see the whole family in one place.

I’ll summarise. OP - you are an adult and unless you manage your inner needy and self centred child, you’ll always be unhappy.