Feeling my mum isn't really bothered about me

[Gorrillagirlfanclub]

I'm posting with the hope of hearing from people who have had the same experience with their parents particularly mum. I just feel like she's not really bothered about my life or making much effort to spend time with me.

As a bit of background ; I'm in my early 30's I have a sister who has a toddler I have no children but a long term partner I live with. I live in the same area as my family all around max 30 min drive to each others houses. I lived in another part of the county for several years and returned to my home town a few years ago.

There are lots of examples I could give about her general disinterest. For example, myself and my partner bought our first home 6ish months ago and my mum has been to my house 3 times. Where as she pops into see my sister at least weekly, this is to see her grandchild too. She has also reduced her working hours to take care of her grandchild which makes a significant financial difference to my sister.

I mention these things not because I'm jealous of her but because I feel it shows my mum is able to help people out and show an interest in others lives. She does also do some of things she does to me to my sister in some ways.

I've been pushed to post as she recently made a comment I found pretty hurtful. My sister and her child visited me for coffee on a day last week. My mum said that she had been very close by to my house and had she known they were at my house she would have come round. I took that to mean that she wouldn't have come round just to see me. (which she didn't)

When I do see her she never asks about my life. She is often moody and I end up wondering if I've done or said something. She will often seem unkeen when I try to make plans.

I just feel like I keep trying to make an effort and have a relationship and I don't know why I bother. It's not like she is like the parents mentioned on the stately homes thread. So it's not like I can just put our relationship in a box and label it abusive or neglectful. On the other hand it's really bad for my self esteem to know how disinterested she is and for me to keep trying to have a meaningful relationship. When I think about the effort that goes into raising a child I do find it baffling that they could get to adulthood and you're just not bothered about their life.

My siblings and I all have DC, but one Dsis has younger DC and it's her house my DM visits the most.

I understand that really...because the rest of the kids are teens abd upwards and have limited convo with the grandparents. Too busy on their gadgets tbh.

I see it as they find the 5 year olds development interesting and of course she says funny things.

They don't love the rest of us any less and are equally interested and proud when it comes to graduation of the older GC.

OP.. when you see your DM do you actually have anything to say to her? Do you just discuss surface matters?

MMmomDD

Cheers for your kind words you sound lovely!

I do the asking about her life, visiting her, planning activities and calling her. I'm not some beat expecting her to support me as if I was 10 years old tbh I think that's fairly clear from my posts and isn't something all of the other posters have read into my posts. In all honesty I don't think it is too much to expect somone to ask how you are when you see. I do wonder if people like you just look on this forum for somone to have a go at. I hope it's made you feel better about yourself that you're so much stinger and more mature than me.

AttilaTheMeerkat

Some of what you say really rings true. Thanks so much to the other posters constructive comments. It is comforting to know I'm not the only one who experiences this. Not that it makes it better for any of us

@MMmomDD ODFOD! Your post was not helpful in the slightest so why bother?

Op - I sympathise. Not really sure what the answer is except to lower your expectations to protect yourself. I have a similar 'relationship ' with my father. He's quite elderly now but it's always been like this! Was very close to my mum but she died three years ago. I made an effort to try and build a meaningful relationship with him after she died but have given up now, he's so disengaged, only calls me when he wants me to do something for him, never asks how I am or anything about my life really. Briefly asks about the grandchildren but it's clear he's not really interested in the reply....I too have suffered mental health problems because of it. Forgot my birthday this year, no real excuse just....forgot. Disinterest. So for you 💐 just because it's hard and I don't think there's any real answer except for you to manage your expectations and focus on building other relationships with partner's family, friends etc.

Remember mums and dads can have their own lack of emotional maturity and are messed up individuals . Best healing comes from accepting their uselessness. While we live in the fantasy of them turning into greart parents we strive with depression and rejection. The day we accept them that pain goes. Your dm is not going to change. Just continue to do what you do and expect nothing back. Then you will be free.

OP - I could have been your sister. My mum showed almost no interest in me - didn’t visit me in 8 years when I lived in another country (in Europe). She even went on holiday there and told me it was too much effort to see me (or for me to come and see her).

However, when I had kids she was an amazing grandmother and a huge practical help. I was able to rebuild some sort of relationship with her because of that - but there was always a wound and in lots of other ways (emotionally mainly) she remained unsupportive - and I often still found the relationship damaging in her lack of concern for me.

After she died I was able to quite clearly understand that she didn’t and had never really loved me - when she was alive I think I always had hoped that somehow she would turn into the ‘loving and kind’ mum we all really want and need. After she died I was able to give up on that and accept it. I also accepted it was nothing to do with me which was a huge relief. I have a DD who I adore and with whom I have a fantastic relationship. I feel sad for my Mum that she was never able to experience that sort of love.

My only advice is to stay close to your sister. Cut back on contact with your Mum. No need for a big break up (unless that’s what you want) but after all this time she is unlikely so take an interest in you. Understand that this is not your fault - perhaps your Mum never wanted kids and just had them because it was expected. Perhaps she had a very abusive upbringing and just can’t show love. It has nothing to do you with and nothing you can do (being good and calling, asking how she is, suggesting things to do) will help it.

If you are struggling, find a good counsellor and get some additional support. Sorry this is so long - but don’t wait until your Mum dies to stop hitting your head against a brick wall. It’s not you - it’s her.

🤷🏻‍♀️

OP - it’s an open forum. You post a question and ask for opinions.
If you are only expecting/hoping/able to process opinions that agree with yours - than what’s the point.

I wasn’t having a go. I was simply reading your post and reacting to it.
It did sound strange to me for a 30+ yo to sound this way.
And to have no understanding that visiting a sister with a toddler is different to visiting an adult daughter.
And that a comparison of any sort shows immaturity. Your inability to question yourself and your reactions also points to the same.
As well as your peception that anyone with a different opinion to yours has some intent of attacking you.

I am both a grown daughter and a mother of daughters. So - I am not totally unfamiliar with the subject.
I am just a different person from you, OP.

MMmomDD

Sorry what? there are different people from me?! No?

You're being a Goady fuck and not actually trying to help so I'm not going to bother picking apart your response and justifying myself. Thank you for your input.
I appreciate the sentiment that I obviously have no self reflection, I'm immature, self absorbed And don't understand what forums are for or how they work. I'm not sure how anyone could think those sentiments are helpful as I've said before you sound lovely.

Thanks once again other posters for your constructive replies. I'm sorry that some of you have this experience too. Those saying the grandchild thing is important I do appreciate. I mean I want to see them too!

I do try to talk to her about non surface things. But then often feel a bit disappointed at her lack of interest. It can feel pretty rubbish when you open up to someone then are met with nothing. I know I need to reduce my expectations but don't know how!

The toddler is doubtless exhausting, and I bet your sister really appreciates the help but - little, cute, too young to express their own opposing views. From your post, you sound unlike this (although you may well be cute......what do I know?)
I would bide your time and await the outcome of the little one developing more of an individual personality.

OP try not to get down. I live 10 mins from my mum and dad. If I didn’t go there I’d never see them (until weeks had gone past and they’d wonder if I was ok). Mum goes to my brothers all the time because of the kids. She didn’t visit him either before they arrived. It’s just the way it is and always has been. My mum has been to my house (where I moved in January) only once because my nephew was here. She doesn’t mean anything by it. If I over analysed it I could get upset but I don’t. Given the chance I’d see my nephew and niece every day. We all love them to bits. The fact my parents don’t visit my home does not mean they love me any less, or me them. Try not to dwell on it. If I had a child I’d be hard pushed to get rid of her (ask my sister in law ). People are just different that’s all, and creatures of habit. My parents would do anything for me, I know that. I’m sure yours would too

Gorillagirlfanclub, pay no attention to MMmomDD. It's very clear just from your first post that your mother really isn't interested in you, and that must hurt a lot. I have seen that before - parents who decide they've done their "duty" once their child is an adult and that's the end of their responsibility/involvement.

I wonder if your mother can only see "parenting" if there's a young child. I hope she's not one of those an overbearing grandmothers, for your sister's sake.

Years late to this, but couldn't not comment. You sound like the most godawful, sanctimonious person who is clearly projecting because like OP's mother, you clearly think adult children only deserve attention from their parents when they have produced children.