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Original poster

What does a healthy happy marriage look like?

29 replies

Curiousquestioning · 21/07/2018 20:38

A friend recommended Mumsnet so I've decided to try it...

I'm in a bit of a dead-end marriage (I think) but I don't really fancy getting in to it. I've spoken to friends in similar situations and I feel like I now have a really good idea of what an unhealthy, unhappy marriage is like. What I'd really like to know is what does a healthy, happy marriage look like? I'd love to hear from people who are in happy marriages or life-long commitments. The reason I say that is because I think relationships are often good in the early days but the real test is longevity, having children (or not) and withstanding life's challenges together.

What does your version of marital bliss look like?

OP posts:
MrsBartlettforthewin · 21/07/2018 20:47

Building each other up. Even when times are tough knowing that we have each other's backs. Laughing with each other at some point everyday (not always belly laughs but something)

We take time each day to catch up/ check in with each other about our day. Share responsibility for the kids, it doesn't just fall on one of us to make discussions about trips etc we share everything.

Gets said a lot but he it truly my best friend.

CocoaGin70 · 21/07/2018 20:54

I think our marriage naturally ebbs and flows. There are really happy good times, and honestly times when I could just walk away and never look back. As I'm sure my DH would agree. We're just lucky that we've never wanted to both walk away at the same time.

Original poster
Curiousquestioning · 21/07/2018 20:55

Laughing with each other at some point everyday (not always belly laughs but something)

This very simple thing is what I wish I had with my husband. We do share housework and child-rearing but we don't share any intimacy whatsoever! I think laughing with the same person every day is pretty intimate really and good for the soul!

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fatasapancake · 21/07/2018 20:55

Looking forward to seeing each other at the end of the work day, being able to talk, even about the difficult stuff, backing each other up with parenting (DS 1 (14) was really rude to me yesterday at tea. Before I could deal with it, DH said to him 'Don't speak to Mum like that. Go to your room right now), working as a team.

We've been together 23 years, married almost 16, 3 DC.

Original poster
Curiousquestioning · 21/07/2018 20:57

We're just lucky that we've never wanted to both walk away at the same time.

This is a good point! So, if one person can really keep the marriage ship afloat at all times, it can withstand hurdles! I feel myself and my DH are just both losing interest in one another and not bringing out the best in one another. It doesn't seem bad enough to walk away from but yet, it's no fun!!Shock

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Ginger1982 · 21/07/2018 20:59

Spending time together even if it's just sat in front of the telly on your phones (like DH and I are doing right now watching Casualty!)

villageshop · 21/07/2018 21:11

This is a really good question. We've chartered some extremely difficult waters over 40 years and I do think the key thing might actually come down to not wanting to walk away at the same time.

The saddest marriage breakdowns I've seen are where one wants to end it when the other doesn't. That takes all choice and power away from the one who wants to make the marriage work because the decision has been made and there's nothing they can do about it. That's sad.

Original poster
Curiousquestioning · 21/07/2018 21:15

I do think the key thing might actually come down to not wanting to walk away at the same time.

I think so too...my DH suggested breaking up recently and I was relieved (if also sad and shocked) because I was so afraid of hurting him. Then he took it back completely afterwards, said he only said it out of anger...but I think he meant it. We're both just too afraid to actually do it!

I've been with him so long, I think I've lost sight of what a good, normal, happy marriage looks like..that's why I started the thread. I really want to know what I'm missing out on...even though maybe, deep down, I have an idea!

OP posts:
villageshop · 21/07/2018 21:16

You've got to like each other.
You've got to have the capacity to forgive.
You've got to really really want the marriage to work.
You've got to be 100% committed to the marriage. If you start questioning your commitment to your commitment then you are opening up other doors and you might just step through one...

DramaAlpaca · 21/07/2018 21:17

We've been together for 30 years and we'd still rather be with each other than anyone else. We are best friends, have a lot in common and a similar sense of humour, and we share similar interests. We talk and laugh a lot. It hasn't always been plain sailing, we've been through some tough times, but we've supported each other and got through them. He's a great husband and father and I can't imagine life without him.

crazydoglady6867 · 21/07/2018 21:21

A healthy happy marriage is different for everyone, if you are both happy and you consider each other your best friend I would say that is it, but what you get up to in that marriage is no ones business but yours. I would say if you don’t communicate with one another then there is certainly something wrong but it is not necessarily unhealthy or unhappy.

Original poster
Curiousquestioning · 21/07/2018 21:30

We are best friends, have a lot in common and a similar sense of humour, and we share similar interests. We talk and laugh a lot.

That sounds like a recipe for happiness!

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loobylou10 · 21/07/2018 21:56

Together 35 years married 28 years - love him. We like each other, we like spending time together, we laugh and cry together. He is the person I like spending my time with. I can’t imagine my life without him.

LongWeek · 21/07/2018 22:04

This: You've got to like each other.
You've got to have the capacity to forgive.
You've got to really really want the marriage to work.
You've got to be 100% committed to the marriage. If you start questioning your commitment to your commitment then you are opening up other doors and you might just step through one...

My DH lives away 4 days a week. (He’s an MP)
This is not what I wanted for my marriage. I wanted my husband here all the time. But it is how life is.

When he is here- he infuriates me a lot- partly as I am used to dealing with life (kids, work, house) on my own.
But ultimately- if the shit hit the fan- I want him to be the person who puts his arms round me and tells me it’ll be OK.

We don’t akways agree. We argue a lot. But I love him. He is part of who I am.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 21/07/2018 22:13

IMO it's even when times are shit and you want to kill each other you always know that it will pass. You always know you can turn to that person if you have a problem, regardless of what else is going on. Trust and loyalty and being there for each other. And just knowing that there's no one else you'd rather be with. It's all the little things that are thoughtful or helpful. Everyone argues occasionally but it's knowing that when the argument is finished you'll be back in a better place. It's knowing that your partner is your safe place and your rock and wanting to be those things in return for them

Crunched · 21/07/2018 22:33

Married for 30 years. Sometimes I get so infuriated by DH and sometimes I feel weak with love for him. The weird thing is I never know how it will be from one day to the next.
I agree with others about laughing together and him being the one person I want/need when crisis point hits.
It seems to never be said on MN but, if I am struggling with my relationship, I go back to my marriage vows “for better, for worse ... ‘til death do us part” etc. I try very hard in life generally to not break promises.
If I am in any place and my DH walks in, when I catch sight of him my heart never fails to lift with happiness that he is my husband Envy not envy but eeurgh!!! sorry.

Bettyboop43 · 22/07/2018 09:38

18 years together. Still find each other attractive. Still ask each other how their day was. Share the jobs in the house. Still laugh, argue, kiss and make up. Both spend time with the kids and it's never a competition as to who works harder. Hugs and kisses when the other is low. Ebbs and flows, can be weeks just roommates and weeks when we are back at the beginning and all over each other. We both think we are both punching above our weight and feel lucky to be with the other one. And it's still hard sometimes even with all the good stuff

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 22/07/2018 11:07

IMO it's even when times are shit and you want to kill each other you always know that it will pass. You always know you can turn to that person if you have a problem, regardless of what else is going on. Trust and loyalty and being there for each other. And just knowing that there's no one else you'd rather be with. It's all the little things that are thoughtful or helpful. Everyone argues occasionally but it's knowing that when the argument is finished you'll be back in a better place. It's knowing that your partner is your safe place and your rock and wanting to be those things in return for them.

GooseyGoosey said it all for me. It's about intimacy, trust and loyalty.

villageshop · 22/07/2018 11:28

Lots of sage and realistic views here, and I agree with all of them but this is more complicated:

It's knowing that your partner is your safe place and your rock

Actually, it's knowing that your partner, who you thought was your safe place and your rock, turns out to be human after all, and loving him still.

Colbu24 · 22/07/2018 11:33

We've been together for 29 years and overall very happy.
I see my DH sometimes everyday sometimes he works away all week. It's like a cat he comes and goes as he needs.
We've never wanted to walk away from each other. We love each other.
There have been challenging times but we always want to be together.
We don't do much together as hobbies but we watch series together. We talk endlessly about property. We've been watching Escape to the Chateaux and think about doing it.
I think we still plan things to do for the rest of our lives.
We still make each other laugh. I think the less you have to do with each other the more you grow apart.
Find things to do together, be nice to him even if you don't feel like it. Give him a kiss show affection even if it feels weird. You can only change yourself.
Remember when you were crazy about each other.
You can grow together if you decide to save your marriage.
I feed my love for my DH all the time. I think about his beautiful blue eyes or I play music that we both love.

Original poster
Curiousquestioning · 22/07/2018 23:02

I was reading everything written & thinking, 'hey, my marriage ain't so bad' but then tonight, over a glass of wine, I tentatively brought up something very important. It's something that DH really needs a to address as it could potentially hurt (or worse) another person. Anyhow, he gave out to me for bringing it up, said he was trying to relax, that I must like conflict...then he stormed off. I pleaded with him to stay & for us just to talk but he put a stop to it & went to bed.

I think that's why my marriage feels like such a dead-end & I feel tired..my husband is a good person but I find him oh so difficult. Confused

OP posts:
Pippylou · 22/07/2018 23:06

My DH listens to me and hears what I'm saying, even if I don't quite know what I'm on about.

Very supportive in difficult times.

GilligansKitchenIsland · 22/07/2018 23:17

my husband is a good person
I think this is actually really important. It won't, on its own, sustain a marriage that doesn't have anything else going for it, but it's important to believe in some kind of inherent goodness in your partner.
Paradoxically, also to know that sometimes they're going to mess up, to give them the space to make their own mistakes, forgive them, and love them anyway. And of course for them to do the same for you.
Giving each other room to be their own person. Most things in life can be done more than one "right" way - it usually doesn't matter if he (or I) doesn't do or say something exactly the way I (or he) would have. As long as the bases are covered, don't sweat the small stuff as the Americans say!
My DH (married 9 years) is still the person I most want to hang out with. Whether we're on a big night out or watching TV in our PJs he's the person whose company I most enioy - and I think he feels the same about me!
Sometimes we still infuriate each other, but even when we fight, there's a foundational friendship and belief in one another's goodness that makes it safe to fight, because we know the relationship can withstand disagreement.

GilligansKitchenIsland · 22/07/2018 23:23

Anyhow, he gave out to me for bringing it up, said he was trying to relax, that I must like conflict...then he stormed off

This used to happen a lot in the first few years of our marriage. It turned out it takes DH a long time to wind down after an argument or emotionally charged conversation, so if we had one late at night it really disrupted his sleep and affected the following day. The solution was to have our potentially controversial conversations (as far as possible - sometimes things just come up when they come up) over breakfast instead of over dinner. Could it be something similar for your DH?

Original poster
Curiousquestioning · 22/07/2018 23:25

@GilligansKitchenIsland That's sweet, especially the part about withstanding disagreement. I agree entirely with all that you say.

The problem with tonight's argument is it's far from a small issue. What my husband is doing (or not doing) could harm another person (any person) terribly. It is quite serious....but he doesn't want to admit to that. This is the part that I find difficult. How can he not see how important or potentially life-threatening this is? (I know it's weird when you don't know what I'm talking about! It has to do with his job & he would never intentionally harm but this situation has already caused damage which I see as the warning but he sees as a lucky escape).

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