Help me to understand this

[bonyarmour]

Long time lurker, few times poster, but I've NC'd for this because it's pretty outing.

My younger brother has just turned 18. He's had a girlfriend since November of last year. They've booked a little break together 3 hours away (my mum and dad have paid for it because he doesn't work). That's all fine, but I feel like it's important to my 'issue' she's always round at home (he still lives there). Whenever I pop in to see my family she's there too.

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year. Almost two years. I'm 23, work, he works, all pretty 'normal' people. My mum REFUSES to meet him. She will not have him in her house, nor will she meet him somewhere mutual, like a pub, restaurant or whatever. I'm not sure why. She's just against me having a boyfriend. Because of my mum, my dad won't meet him either. My boyfriend is sad about this as would love to meet them, but we've kind of come to accept she won't.

My mum keeps saying how nice it is my brother is getting some time away with his girlfriend, and how they deserve it they're sweet and lovely etc etc, but if I ever mention that I've stayed at my boyfriends house, or that I am staying there. I'm a slag, slut, going to get pregnant, using him for sex. A lot of things similar to that.

I don't know why. I'm not sure there's been anything I've missed. But can anyone think of any reason why she'd be like this? Is it me?

It's not you, it's her. I'd stop going round tbh if that's how she speaks to you

@dementedpixie but then I lose all my family

You're the scapegoat for some reason. The non favoured child. The way she's treating you is unfair. Read the Stately Homes threads for people with abusive parents and you'll get good advice and understanding.

But your family aren't being nice to you, OP. Continuing to put up with that won’t make them any nicer. Drawing boundaries will actually help you.

I'd give advance warning that of they say anything nasty about you or your boyfriend then you will be cutting contact. No point going round if it makes you miserable. Would they discuss what their issues are?

Are your parents religious? Because if they're not those objections to your boyfriend make no sense. They have massive double standard to accept and accommodate his girlfriend but not your bf.

Keep going round OP. They are your family and it's perfectly understandable that you don't want to lose them. However you may need to accept that they are in the way they are. They are in the wrong but you cannot change them. Acceptance will bring you a little peace.

Why would you keep going round to be insulted. That mashes you a doormat to be trampled on!

Makes*

Err, what ?

How are you still even speaking to your parents ? They have done a right fucking number on you.

They're not religious no. They just don't like me or anything I do. Everything is wrong. I buy a chocolate cake for them, they only like vanilla. I buy a vanilla cake and they only like chocolate that week. It sounds trivial but it's that kind of stuff all the time. It breaks my heart.

I love my brothers a lot, and 2 of them are still kids - so if I cut contact with my mum and dad, I lose them.

I'm trying to think of whatever I could've done wrong. My mums never been a big fan of mine to be honest, but ever since I told her I was seeing someone (but never mentioned him before I knew it was something 'real' she's been a lot heavier on the 'hate'. But she says she loves me. Wants me to be happy and safe. But why does she treat me like she wants the opposite?

Have you tried to talk to her? Was she always like that? You shouldn't put up with verbal abuse and should tell her to stop it when she starts

OP you haven't done ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to deserve this treatment. They have been terrible parents. They have failed you. You owe it to yourself to NEVER EVER blame yourself for their shit parenting and blatant favouritism.

You're their child and still crave their approval. Of course you do. You love your parents and brothers and want to see them. Ignore posters who are urging you to cut contact with your family. You're not ready for this yet. You may never be. And that's ok. Cutting contact can sometimes hurt the one who was wronged and you have been wronged enough. Going no contact may not be the right thing for you.

My dad blatantly preferred my older sister to me when we were young. I still love him and visit him. He was wrong to prefer my sister to me. But he's my dad and the only dad I will ever have. I knew cutting him out of my life would hurt me more.
It doesn't bother me anymore that he didn't treat us the same. I'm 37. One day you may find you've made peace with your parent's failings like i have with mine.

Maybe keep in contact with them without any expectations that they will change their awful behaviour. You may also want to look into counselling for yourself to deal with the issues in your OP.

In the meantime assure your partner you love him and get excited about planning your future. You can't help who were parents were or how they treat you. But you and your partner can work to create a wonderful new life for yourselves. I hope you have a wonderful future ahead of you and great happiness.

How sad OP but you have done absolutely nothing wrong. I completely understand you still visiting your parents home to see your siblings. I think I would perhaps make them the focus of my visits rather than your parents. Soon enough your siblings will be old enough to visit you at your home. In the meantime I'd just see your parents as and when you have to and just make small talk with them. It's very hard and so unfair. But I do have an idea if where you're coming from. My mother did not like an ex of mine and wouldn't let him in my family home (I moved back in with my mum for a while following a split). We eventually split up but it wasn't nice having to deal with all the exclusions and family events etc.

I've tried to talk to her hundreds of times (possibly a bit exaggerated). It's always the same outcome. Me in tears apologising for ruining her family. I don't know how I did ruin it, but apparently I did.

I just feel... lost. Alone. I lay in bed earlier and sobbed at my life. I hate it when I'm in work/with my friends and people talk about how good their family is, doing things with their family and I'm like... "yeah my mum only called me a stupid bitch 3 times this week"

Thanks @Doingreat. That made me smile (and cry a bit)

Have you read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward ?

@AnyFucker no I've not. I've read that's about violent parents/drug users/alcoholics? My parents are none of those things

It's not just about those things

It's about favouritism, golden child syndrome, passive aggression and all sorts of other less "obvious" abusive behaviours

I found my parents in the pages of that book and they never laid a finger on me, never got pissed or drugged up

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles, yours here is that of scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

It is not you, its them. It is not your fault they are the ways they are; you did not make them that way. They have continued to fail you as parents here. Your father enables your mother to carry on as she does; he has also failed you here as a parent. He is her hatchet man as well as a weak man who is acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend so why should you take this at all from your parents?. Your siblings may well be urged to take their parents side too rather than yours going forward, they may not want to rock the boat by siding with you. Do read Toxic Parents and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

OP I think if you try and make peace with the unmet expectation of your family dynamic, maybe it won't bother you so much if your mum is unreasonable/mean. My parents clearly favour my sister, for ever, and it even affected their relationship with my son. Once I realised it's not anything a 1yr old could have done I also realised it's not anything I did. It is was it is.

Have you spoken to your brothers about the things your mum says to you? I ask because my dad was very negative with me and praised my sister, but after my dad died, I found that he was negative with her and praised me! I don’t know what he thought he was doing....

Can you see your brothers away from the family home; invite them round to yours perhaps?

Op, I’m so sorry you have been treated like this .
My mother decided from the very start that I could do nothing wrong, and my sister could do nothing right. She was spiteful to her and competitive with her in really creative ways. Did all she could to drive us apart.
A couple of years ago ( after my mum got competitive and unkind over my sister having cancer) my sister broke contact with her. It’s been very healing for her. My healing has been refusing to be in the middle with my mum having histrionics and pretending to not know what my sister is talking about, and trying to get me on side.

It’s a tough call all round, but please look onto toxic parents, and make your choices about how to go forward.
You have to learn to absolutely know on your heart that you have done nothing wrong, it’s totally your mum s call.

Ok, I will get that book ordered and give it a read when it arrives  hopefully it'll help me make sense of this mess up.

@Ohyesiam my mum has done that with my sister too. We used to be best of friends. But since I went to uni, and my sister decided it wasn't for her - my mum has always supported every move she makes, and I've always looked like a loser on the sidelines. It kind of made me resent my sister. I know it shouldn't do, but it did. I can't remember the last time I had a proper chat with her, because everything I says gets fed back to my mum, and honestly, I can't trust her anymore

I've had a read of the stately homes thread before, but some of the posters on there have gone through horrible things - I feel silly moaning that my mum doesn't like me much

@Knittedfairies I haven't really. But they all seem to think she's great, and I'm the wild child trouble maker whose always out doing crazy things (I'm literally in bed by 10pm almost every night - crazy )

Don’t feel silly. The person whose job it is to love you unconditionally makes a pass time of undermining you, and letting you know that you are bad and wrong. That is no small thing, I’m sorry to say.
You’ve been done an injustice in an ongoing way, and it sounds like you are just beginning to see the extent of it, and the feelings that go with that. Keep your feet on the ground and find your own way through. Reading round the subject is a great idea.
It’s a shame that you can’t trust your sister. I think privilidge can give you blinkers, so she may not see what is going on, or she may relish her position as the golden girl. Are you able to talk to her properly? Could you ask her to not to relay what you say? Could you tell her how it is for you?