Help me to understand this

[bonyarmour]

Long time lurker, few times poster, but I've NC'd for this because it's pretty outing.

My younger brother has just turned 18. He's had a girlfriend since November of last year. They've booked a little break together 3 hours away (my mum and dad have paid for it because he doesn't work). That's all fine, but I feel like it's important to my 'issue' she's always round at home (he still lives there). Whenever I pop in to see my family she's there too.

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year. Almost two years. I'm 23, work, he works, all pretty 'normal' people. My mum REFUSES to meet him. She will not have him in her house, nor will she meet him somewhere mutual, like a pub, restaurant or whatever. I'm not sure why. She's just against me having a boyfriend. Because of my mum, my dad won't meet him either. My boyfriend is sad about this as would love to meet them, but we've kind of come to accept she won't.

My mum keeps saying how nice it is my brother is getting some time away with his girlfriend, and how they deserve it they're sweet and lovely etc etc, but if I ever mention that I've stayed at my boyfriends house, or that I am staying there. I'm a slag, slut, going to get pregnant, using him for sex. A lot of things similar to that.

I don't know why. I'm not sure there's been anything I've missed. But can anyone think of any reason why she'd be like this? Is it me?

I hope you get that book soon OP.

You are very much in the FOG - fear Obligation Guilt. Hopefully you will soon see your way clear x

@Ohyesiam I wish I could, but she is definitely the golden child - possibly on par with my brother. I've not had a proper chat with her for a long time, and I'm not even sure how to approach it. It's confusing and difficult to explain. I guess I'm kind of jealous of her? And my brother too.

@numptynuts I've ordered it and it's arriving tomorrow - good old amazon prime .

I feel better just having posted about it

I've not long received the toxic parents book. I've read the introduction and so so much of it rings true.

I genuinely have always believed it was me. I was unreasonably horrid, I made her dislike me. I know I'm not perfect but... I do still love my family and I try to show that

Maybe cut back on the visits, say once a month or something or when there's an occasion like a birthday or Christmas or something.Also, in time, your other siblings may keep in contact, so it doesn't mean you've lost your family.

My own family have a bad word about everyone who isn't there and my 19 year old daughter has cut them out totally. She's stronger than me.

How are you feeling OP?

This is horrible.

Op it sounds like you’re already on the path to understanding your mothers emotional abuse of you. I wish you well on this journey.

MN is good for this kind of relationship support- there’s always someone around who will listen to you.

@Doingreat I'm feeling better about the whole situation I think. The book is very heavy, so I'm taking it slowly to understand it. I've been thinking about lots of other stuff my mum has done through my life, even as kid I'd have picked the wrong things, and made to feel stupid because of it. It's going to be hard to fully come to terms with this I think

This is so sad as I have a dd your age. It is not your fault and you don't deserve it.

It will take you a while to process the information, then you will need to deal with the emotions and finally find ways to protect yourself.

You will need to learn boundaries and this will be a life long lesson that will benefit you in all areas of your life.

Are you the oldest?

@lifebegins50 I am the oldest yep. I've got 4 younger siblings.

I don't understand why she doesn't like me. But I guess I never will. Different personalities?

My youngest brother has just finished year 7 at school, and his hair is awful quite long, but he likes it like that. My mum cut his hair so short the other day he's worn a hat everywhere since. I feel so sad for him too

I've just finished the third chapter of toxic parents (why can't they let me live my own life?) and this is 100% my mother.

I feel... confused, and quite sad

It's hard, OP, very hard. But understanding what's really going on is the route to being free of it.

It must be a shock to you to see what's actually going on. The book gives good advice (in the second half) on dealing with it, but you may find talking to a counselor would help too.

Perhaps it might help you if you think that probably something in your mother's childhood made her that way. The sad thing is she is not likely to ever acknowledge that and to change her ways.

But it's definitely not you, it's her. Good luck in getting your head around this.